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Contacting the OW? Do I?

(201 Posts)
3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 21:39:27

I am a regular - lurker more than poster - but the time has come for some MN wisdom of my own. In a nutshell, my H disclosed his affair with a work colleague to me nearly 10 weeks ago. His confession was due to having been discovered at work and both of them losing their jobs. He had to tell me to explain why he had lost his job. He knew this was coming for 3 days before telling me so had deleted all evidence (much of the affair had been conducted via work emails rather than text anyway. And he was careful through out). He also told me that he met with her after discovery at work to get their stories straight for the possible investigation. But that they didn't discuss their stories to other halves.

Since D-day he has tried to give me 'full disclosure', gone complete no contact with OW, respected my need for space and then been around when I needed to shout at him, been very hands on with the DC, is apologetic and remorseful etc etc.

However I am struggling with the lack of evidence to back-up his story. I can't access his old work emails, the texts have gone (mostly immediately upon receiving/sending them as he's never hidden his phone) and most of their lunches/drinks were paid in cash so no card or bank records. Obviously he is a very proficient liar as I had no real suspicions of the affair - I had other concerns but did not believe he was cheating.

Basically the only source of info/evidence I have is her. And thats not likely to be 'accurate'. Do I call or text??? She is also married but no DC. Her DH doesn't know. Given that there has been no contact (well that I know about!) is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?? I'm tying myself in knots - have called her number several times but either she hasn't answered or I've hung up.

Any views on what to do for the best? I know I need to get 'closure' on the details of the affair before I can move on. hmmconfused

Fairenuff Thu 18-Jul-13 08:20:21

Your children will give you enormous comfort, strength and satisfaction. They will help you through it just by being there, needing you and giving unconditional love.

It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that you are poles apart in this but actually it does make separation that little bit easier. If he said that he loved you desperately, didn't want to live without you and promised you the earth, it would be much harder to tell him to leave.

There are many, many men who did that and then continue to cheat. It's part of the script. They swear undying love and then just get clever at hiding their affairs.

At least you know exactly what you are dealing with - a selfish man who just wants his own way and if he doesn't get it blames you and calls you controlling.

His behaviour is far more controlling.

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