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Contacting the OW? Do I?

(201 Posts)
3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 21:39:27

I am a regular - lurker more than poster - but the time has come for some MN wisdom of my own. In a nutshell, my H disclosed his affair with a work colleague to me nearly 10 weeks ago. His confession was due to having been discovered at work and both of them losing their jobs. He had to tell me to explain why he had lost his job. He knew this was coming for 3 days before telling me so had deleted all evidence (much of the affair had been conducted via work emails rather than text anyway. And he was careful through out). He also told me that he met with her after discovery at work to get their stories straight for the possible investigation. But that they didn't discuss their stories to other halves.

Since D-day he has tried to give me 'full disclosure', gone complete no contact with OW, respected my need for space and then been around when I needed to shout at him, been very hands on with the DC, is apologetic and remorseful etc etc.

However I am struggling with the lack of evidence to back-up his story. I can't access his old work emails, the texts have gone (mostly immediately upon receiving/sending them as he's never hidden his phone) and most of their lunches/drinks were paid in cash so no card or bank records. Obviously he is a very proficient liar as I had no real suspicions of the affair - I had other concerns but did not believe he was cheating.

Basically the only source of info/evidence I have is her. And thats not likely to be 'accurate'. Do I call or text??? She is also married but no DC. Her DH doesn't know. Given that there has been no contact (well that I know about!) is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?? I'm tying myself in knots - have called her number several times but either she hasn't answered or I've hung up.

Any views on what to do for the best? I know I need to get 'closure' on the details of the affair before I can move on. hmmconfused

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 21:59:26

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of showing you cared tbh. I'd say work out what you want from your marriage and work on that. distrust your dh but work through that between the two of you.
Been through that awful discovery period and hope you remember to look after yourself.

KnittedWaffle Sun 07-Jul-13 22:04:01

No. Don't do it.
Work out what's best for you within your relationship - whether you move forward with him or without him; whether you can learn to trust him again.
There are so many reasons you shouldn't contact her: she might want him to leave you; she might lie; she might be nasty to you.
It all boils down to whether you can trust your DH and believe what he says.
If not, then you have your answer.

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:12:24

It's so difficult! I guess lots of affairs are 'discovered' so the betrayed spouse has the horror of the evidence. At least I have been spared that. But at the same time I am aware he has probably minimised the extent of the affair (timing, says they only had sex once, mainly just emails, lunches and drinks after work). Some of the details he has told me there's no way I could have found out myself so there's some honesty there. He wants it to work between us - he's having individual counselling and we're seeing a counsellor together - so I'm torn on whether he's still hiding stuff out of the fear I'll say we're over.

I don't trust him and its a horrible horrible feeling. I'd like some proof he's told me the truth so I can start to rebuild some trust. But there isn't any. hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:17:41

Don't do it. You'll only look like the 'wife that doesn't understand me' that he probably portrayed you as. The person you have to tackle is the one that made you promises of fidelity and broke them. If he isn't prepared to tell you the truth, you have to deal with that. If you don't feel you can trust him ever again, you have to deal with that as well. It's not the OW that breaks up the relationship, it's the loss of trust.

Fairenuff Sun 07-Jul-13 22:17:51

Have I got this right - you are looking to her to find out what your dh isn't telling you?

Do you realise that that means you trust her more than you trust him?

Hassled Sun 07-Jul-13 22:18:00

"I'd like some proof he's told me the truth so I can start to rebuild some trust." - well then tell him that. I absolutely understand why you need it - and tbh it's probably the only chance you have of salvaging your own happiness/marriage, of regaining that trust. If you need to meet her, then meet her (although yes, she might well lie) - but don't tiptoe around it. If you want evidence, he needs to provide it.

StingingNettle Sun 07-Jul-13 22:25:43

Why do you think that a women who lied and cheated on her H is going to tell you anymore than your H who lied and cheated on you?

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to contact the OW. It led to nothing, I didn't trust her words anymore than I trusted my H's. Plus it left me feeling like the "unhinged wife".

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:26:43

Well I can't trust her any less than I trust him!! Bloody sorry state of affairs (pun intended wink).

I have told him I need some evidence. He changed his phone number and got a new phone after D-day but is still with the same network provider. He has got in touch with them about retrieving deleted texts to/from his old number but got told it wasn't possible. He showed me the online chat thingy he had with O2.

Not sure what other evidence there is to ask for?

Going forward he is being completely transparent. There isn't much time when I don't know where he is anyway - not got another job yet. I totally agree the lack of trust is the most damaging thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:28:53

I mean this kindly but no amount of evidence is going to restore your trust. If you don't get it, you suspect there's something he's not telling you. If he gives you evidence, you suspect there's something he's not telling you. If he's being completely transparent, you'll suspect there's something he's not telling you.

Trust is a law-court where evidence and a good argument wins the day. It's a visceral emotion and if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.... Has he left the family home yet?

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:29:14

I feel my leverage with her is that her DH doesn't know. I can say that if she won't answer my questions or her answers don't match up with the story I've been told that I will tell her husband. Although in reality I wouldn't do that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:29:25

Trust is 'not' a law-court... I meant to say.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:30:28

Threatening the woman doesn't make your DH more trustworthy.

Ragwort Sun 07-Jul-13 22:36:00

What 'evidence' do you want? And what will you do with it?

Retain your dignity, there is nothing to be gained from contacting the OW apart from making a fool of yourself. She is nothing special, if it hadn't been her it would have been some other woman. The person who cheated is your husband, if you want to retain your marriage concentrate on the counselling and your relationship with your DH. Yes, I have been in your shoes, yes it hurts but I strongly maintain that there was nothing to have been gained by my contacting the OW.

Crikey OP I feel for you. I can imagine feeling like you have to know all the details before you can process all the emotions. But as Cogito says, you will never have 100% comfort that he has told you everything, even if you ask her.

Do you think the affair would still be going on if it weren't for the discovery at work? That I would find hard to deal with.

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:37:48

Yes he spent the first 2 weeks staying at a b&b after I throw him out. But I saw him over that time as we had things on for the DC which he needed to attend (school plays etc). He also spent a further 5 days at his mother's after I said I needed him out - we were having awful rows. He came home 3 weeks ago as I had an accident which has incapacitated me for a couple of weeks (on the mend now) so he's been doing everything at home since then - looking after me, the DCs, doing all the cooking and laundry, DIY chores etc.

I get that whatever evidence I get I may never be satisfied. I just want 1 thing that matches up - then I might have some hope that he means what he says and is doing. It's so hard to doubt his intentions/motivations.

So he only told you about his affair once he lost his job. They both must have had some prior warning about their behaviour, yet they didn't change.

Why is he wasting money buying new phones, he could have got a cheap sim.

What he going to do about getting a new job with no reference/sacked.

Get a STI check for yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:41:50

'He means what he says'... means you're trying to prove he's not a liar based on what he's telling you now, when everything you've discovered shows that he lied to you easy as breathing in the very recent past. If he hadn't lost his job, he'd still be lying.

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:43:23

Hearts - I don't know. He says it was effectively over by the end of March - that there was no more 'sexy' communications. We went skiing at the beginning of April and they were contacting each other then - he says that she couldn't be 'just friends', he replied to say they would discuss it when he got back. So I maintain it was continuing. She was planning to leave their place of work anyway before discovery so he claims that was his get-out, that it would have gone away by itself. I think that's bollocks and have told him so.

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:48:05

Wheredidiputit - he resigned prior to the investigation being conducted. Saved embarrassment all round so he'll have a reference. God knows what he'll do re job though.

The ease of lying is an issue - he knows I don't believe it was only once but says he can't 'prove a negative'. Also says they were careful that once so no need for a test.

Ahhhcrap Sun 07-Jul-13 22:50:00

I wouldn't IMO

What would it prove. You know he's had the affair, end of! You now need to decide if you want to give it another go it not.

She'll only give you what SHE wants you to know, I wouldn't even bother - they've both proved they can lie so why believe them. You'll never get the full truth and it'll only raise more questions

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:50:19

Oh, new phone was because his old one had corrupted a while before D-day. I know that's true as I'd seen the problems he was having with it. He was out of contract so got a new deal which was cheaper than his old one. Hence new phone rather than just a new sim.

Fairenuff Sun 07-Jul-13 22:50:20

So, if you found out absolutely everything, how would that make anything different than it is now. Would you trust him more, respect him more, love him more? Just because you knew he cheated on you more?

3HotCrossBuns Sun 07-Jul-13 22:55:39

I'm hoping there is no more and that he's told me everything. It won't make me believe that he's always telling the truth in the future but it would give me some building blocks to start with. I feel stuck in limbo at the moment. Maybe 9 weeks is too soon??

Fairenuff Sun 07-Jul-13 22:58:54

So if the OW tells you the same as him, there is no more and he has told you everything, would you believe her?

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