Please help me dh has left and I just need support.

[feelingvunerable]

Hi

Some of you may remember my last thread. Myself and dh were having problems over him always seeming to put everyone else before me.
I am not talking about our dcs but any of his friends always got too much of our quaity time, in my opinion.
He accusd me of being moaning and controlling.
A poster suggested he may be alcoholic. I suggested this to him and he said he didn't think so, but I have booked an appointment with the GP and he has agreed to go in the hope of being referred to a counsellor who will hopefully give us some guidence.

Anyway initially we were going to separate as I said he just didn't get what I mean when I say that myself and the dcs must come first. Then we attended a wedding and he asked me to reconsider and give our marriage another chance.
We discussed what we both wanted and agreed to do our best to make it work. We were both happy and had a great time.

Then comes this weekend. I ask that we go somewhere today, a place of his choice but somewhere we will both like. I asked this several days ago and he said "we will see."
I then suggested we have a bbq and invite mutual friends round. He said no.
He had made plans to go round town with a friend on Saturday and i was ok about this but he then said that we didn't have money to go anywhere Sunday, this would be the cost of petrol.

He cited that actually he still wasn't sure if our marriage could work.

I have explained that he needed to do exciting and fun things with me, otherwise he will always view his friends as the ones he has fun with.

After long discussions we did go somewhere but by this time I was pissed off totally and told him that it wasn't exactly thrlling to be there.

Anyway he has packed a suitcase and gone to stay with a friend.

We have both cried.
I actually found it much easier to talk to him when I knew he was leaving.

I don't know what I am asking and please don't flame me for taking him back as I really don't relish the thought of facing single parenthood.

I so desperately wanted, and still do, my marriage to work.

I feel strangely calmer now that he has left.

I know that people don't have crystal balls but what does the future hold?

We have been together 20 years and really get along apart from the recent rows. Thanks for reading all this.

I do love him but can't bear the immature part of him that doesn't put me first, I always think this makes me sound needy.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think you need to do anything right now. Just take stock, gather your strength, cry if you want to and try to think calmly rather than panic. As I see it, you may have presented him with the challenge of making the family higher priority, but he's the one that's decided it's too hard and walked out. So do nothing, stay calm and be reassured that you haven't asked for something unreasonable.

[feelingvunerable]

Thank you Cog.

I have repeatedly asked myself if it is unreasonable to ask to be put first, mainly as it seems such a hard task for dh to stick to!

I do love him but will just get on with day to day life.
He is picking the eldest dcs up tomorrow to take them to his parents for tea and then on to ds sports practice.
They don't actually know he has left, due to his working hours, we have both agreed not to say anything to them as yet.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It really isn't unreasonable and I remember your other thread. There is more to this than a simple matter of cockeyed priorities. The lone drinking, the online community and meet ups with people without telling you, the black/white all or nothing attitude.... Now that he is out of your hair and the pressure is off you can spend as much time as you like really thinking things through and deciding what has to change if things are going to be better than before. If I have one last suggestion it's to confide at least some of what's happening in a friend that you really trust. I know you're not telling the children or his parents etc but keeping this all to yourself and trying to pretend all is well can be very stressful.

[feelingvunerable]

I have a good friend who is aware of our issues.

She has told me that I am not expecting too much.

I am due to meet up wth her next week and will tell her what has happened.