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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Going nowhere fast :(

20 replies

haribogal · 07/07/2013 20:43

Can any of you wise ladies help me?

I am in an average ten year relationship. We rent together - he is lovely and caring. Sex is non-existent but mainly down to me, can't seem to get back in the sexy zone.

The problem is that after ten years we still have no kids/no mortgage/no marriage proposals.

I am not particularly religious and have never ever been the sort of woman who dreamt of my big day/white dress scenario so not sure why i'm grumbling. I think it's just after ten years i'd hoped for a little more in the way of a long term commitment. I am 32 now so probably kids are out for me now. I also feel in my heart of hearts i've gone past the house/commitment thing with him now maybe due to some underlying resentment that it didn't happen sooner.

We are both SHIT at communicating hence complete stalemate at the moment.

If I start afresh then no kids is an absolute certainty, though this is not my only reason for staying put - like I said, he's a lovely caring man.

So confused.

OP posts:

Report

CoteDAzur · 07/07/2013 20:47

Why would kids be out for you now because you are 32?

I had my kids at 35 and 38.

Do you want to be with this man?

Squitten · 07/07/2013 20:47

Well you don't sound very clear on what exactly it is you do want. It's certainly not his fault if you are not being clear in your expectations of what you want from him.

So, leaving the practicalities aside for the moment, what kind of commitment do you ideally want? Marriage? Children? Property?

JumpingJackSprat · 07/07/2013 20:48

Have you thought about counselling to learn how to communicate? Women are having babies well into their 40s now so theres no reason at 32 why its off the cards unless there are other factors.

janey1234 · 07/07/2013 20:51

I thought kids were out for me too. I was 37 and single. I'm now nearly 39 and have a gorgeous ten day old baby in my arms.

So do what's right for you. You only have one life and you've got years to get what you want so don't panic.

haribogal · 07/07/2013 20:51

Okay Cote, that makes me feel a bit better. Phew.

Not sure Squitten, I just feel like if it hasn't happened now it's not going to. I know it's not his fault and I don't even know what type of commitment i'm looking for! I'm probably beyond help! It feels like everyone around me is having kids and buying houses and i'm still living in student digs in a relationship going nowhere.

OP posts:

haribogal · 07/07/2013 20:52

janey1234, that makes me feels loads better! Lucky you!

OP posts:

Squitten · 07/07/2013 20:56

You're not beyond help - but it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and need to take control of your own life a little bit.

As others have said, children are not beyond you. Property is not beyond you. You can organise a wedding any time you like.

But you can't do any of that until you decide what it is that YOU want for yourself. Then see if your man is on board with that or not. Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you which of those things are going to make you happy.

TheWysticManker · 07/07/2013 21:21

I had my kids at 36, 37 and 40... 32 is young - but you do need to make some decisions about what you want your life to be like. hen, and only then, can you consider getting /achieving those things

haribogal · 07/07/2013 21:24

Thanks Squitten/TWM.

Without sounding like the most passive idiot in the world - how do I take control of my life? What are the initial steps? It's apathy V apathy in terms of the relationship i'm in.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/07/2013 21:27

Look for somewhere new to live that you can afford. Then tell him you are moving out and the relationship is over. You do not need to explain, you do not need his permission or his co-operation to dump him, it's fine to just go ahead and do it. Don't waste any more of your life on a pointless relationship.
As others have said, you still have plenty of time to have children, if you want children - and you don't have to have a long term partner to do this anyway. But it's far better to be alone than stuck in a dead relationship.

DaydreamDolly · 07/07/2013 21:32

Does he want children? Have you discussed it?

BalloonSlayer · 07/07/2013 21:34

I think kids are out for you in THIS relationship if you never have sex.

I don't think you'd need long to get over it/lick your wounds if you called it a day. You could be dating again in no time. Imagine that - dates, lurrrrve, sex!

I didn't meet my DH until I was 32. We have got 3 DCs now - the last (unplanned!) was born when I was 43.

You've got loads of time. But um, don't waste any more though, eh?

ofmiceandmen · 07/07/2013 21:51

solidGoldGrass

Did I read that right?

" if you want children - and you don't have to have a long term partner to do this anyway"

oh my. just makes grim reading. perhaps the key word is 'need' no she doesn't need one.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2013 12:11

Yes. Because it's true. A woman who wants children doesn't have to have a male partner - she can adopt, use donor sperm or come to an arrangement with a male friend/acquaintance. What's so grim about that?

BeCool · 08/07/2013 12:21

I had my DC at 40 & 43 - just saying. I didn't meet their Dad until I was 38.

You are very young - don't write your life off now. If you want DC you can have them.

Do you want to get married to your P? It sounds as though after 10 years you want either more commitment in the relationship, or to move on. Both are OK to want.

Perhaps, as a first step, start looking for something in your life to invigorate you and make you excited again and build on that.

BeCool · 08/07/2013 12:23

ofmice I am separated from my DC's father. I have no LTR now.

There are no guarantees in this world no matter how much in love you are at the time or how much you spend on the wedding etc

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 12:28

You're only confused because this lovely caring man doesn't seem to want any of the same things you do. It can't have been as sudden as the clock ticking round to your 10th anniversary for you to suddenly realise this. You've probably known he's Mr Nice But Wrong' for quite a long time but for whatever reason (optimism? naivety? doggedness?) you've thought that if you stuck with it, things would magically improve.

You should probably have ditched this one a few years ago. Best not to waste any more time on him. Sorry.

scrazy · 08/07/2013 12:40

It's not written in stone that only women who have managed to find the one perfect partner are entitled to conceive is it?

OP you have plenty of time to have children, at 32, with or without meeting 'the one'.

Squitten · 08/07/2013 13:23

How to take control of your life?

Well, you might as well ask yourself where your current relationship fits into the things you have pointed out. Would you like to buy a house with this guy? Would you like to get married to him? Would you like to have children with him?

The fact that he has not asked you for any of those things suggests that he does not want them. I would be sitting him down for a serious conversation along the lines of "What are we doing here?" If he is perfectly happy in your current set-up, then you either have to accept that this is your life, or you have to tell him that it isn't enough and take yourself off to somewhere else.

All of these things are relationship-focused though. What about your own personal development? Do you have a job you like? Is there something else you would like to study/train to do? That would also be a really good way to refresh yourself

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2013 13:37

Look, the first thing to do is to bin this man. You have wasted 10 years on a classic inertia relationship: one of you was probably madly keen at the start and the other one thought, oh well, s/he will do for the moment.

You were probably the keener one as you seem to have been the one wanting more commitment while he dragged his feet. SOrry but he really does see you as 'will do for now', he just CBA to dump you and doesn't really want to be single.

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