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Whirlwind online romance gone sour - advice pls

(73 Posts)
Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:25:23

FYI I don't have children (yet!) I just respect your opinion, Mumsnetters!

I started chatting to C online six months ago. We met after 2 months when he flew from London to Edinburgh to meet me. On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me. He said the most amazing things, he was so complimentary and loving.

We got engaged 2 months after that. I handed in my notice at work, got tenants into my flat and moved to be with him. I have been here six weeks now and it has been awful! He has just started a new job and the agreement was we would move into a rented flat together near his new work. This hasn’t happened though and I am stuck most days alone in his house in a small village whilst he rents a single room. I can’t look for work as I don’t know where we’re going to be. I should say though, that his job is far more highly paid than mine. He says he doesn’t want to rent somewhere until after six months because his new job isn’t that secure.

He hasn’t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he “really loves me”. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.

I am due to go on holiday with my parents in 2 weeks for one week and it is my thirtieth birthday when I get back. (He is 35). I can’t obviously move back to my flat as it has tenants in it and I can’t afford the mortgage with no job. I can, however, move back in with my parents in Edinburgh!

Do you have any advice? Many thanks.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 16:56:21

No, that's now how it works, love

The beginning of a relationship should be fantastic...full of fun and making each other feel like the most important person in the world (and not just the beginning either..)

Not miserable and confusing, making you doubt yourself.

Cut your losses now, before you get in any deeper

I have a feeling you will continue to flog this dead horse though. Try not to make yourself any more vulnerable that you already are, though. And for God's sake, don't complete the cliche by getting pregnant.

Xales Sun 07-Jul-13 16:59:12

He drinks but doesn't like it when you do so you have modified your behaviour to his likes.

He won't rent a place for 6 months (but has rented a room). You cannot look for a job until you know where you are going to live. Why not? You know the rough area you will be living in don't you? Or has he told you not to worry about looking?

He is having doubts 'but really loves you' now you are dependant on him.

I would say look for a job back home, get one, give your tenants legal notice and move back into your house and retain your independence. If you want to stay there get a job and have your independence up there.

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 17:00:15

They will be genuine then.

I agree with other posters, this should be the best of times, cut your losses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 17:03:45

Give it your best shot? This is a six month fling we're talking about, not a 30 year marriage that's got a bit stale. Early days aren't a question of 'best shots' - and if you're moving in together and thinking of marriage, it shouldn't be on the basis of 'let's see how it goes' you should be 100% convinced it's the right thing. Agree with the above that you seem to by psyching yourself up to turn this into Happy Ever After if you can just change to please him and keep making the excuses.

Are you that hard up for a boyfriend that this is honestly the best you can do?

ofmiceandmen Sun 07-Jul-13 17:11:03

Kirsten I wouldn't react to fast to some of the responses. Ironically if it did turn out to have been his Dad and family and a real flat/room you would then be more susceptible to falling prey to other future abuses (you'll always think- but he was right the last time I doubted him)

Concentrate on the more important issues.

Get yourself sorted, work, accommodation etc. Then regardless of how it goes with your DP you will be on a string footing.

It was fast, but there is no shame in stepping back and reassessing. No shame at all.
So start anew today- what do you want to do and what job would you like to take on. He is secondary right now.

Get you sorted and the rest will fall in place - with or without him.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 17:15:53

On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me.

he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him

he's only taken the room up recently - but can't rent with you?

Enough red flags here to start some bunting OP. I think you should enjoy your holiday and then move back in with your parents, work on finding a new job til you can get your flat back. Put it doen as an interesting chapter and a life experience, but not one that worked terribly well. Good luck lovely.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 17:18:59

Oh, and this bit:
He hasn’t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he “really loves me”. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.
You mentioned something you weren't happy with, he turned it on its head so it's YOUR fault for drinking once a week and YOU end up modifying your behaviour, and probably apologising. This rings every alarm bell I have.

He sounds like my ex. this book helped me

TerribleTantrums Sun 07-Jul-13 17:22:04

I wouldn't be surprised if some reason comes up to try and stop you going on holiday with your parents too as he won't want you to have space to consider your options or talk it over with your parents. Perhaps he'll book a romantic overnight trip and get angry if you don't want to cancel the holiday, or possibly his car will breakdown/run out of petrol meaning you will miss your flight/train.

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 17:28:59

You have given up your life and gone to live with this man because you were unhappy in your own life and thought he was your escape. As you now know he wasn't. You have no job, no life there, no friends there and he is living elsewhere. Unfortunately you have made all this too easy for him and he is now bored with you and he wants out. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but you need to wake up and see that for him it is now pretty much over. He is trying to end it slowly. Actions speak louder than words. You need to get some self esteem back by moving out straight away and get yourself a job. Then plan on moving back to your old place asap. sad

You gave up your job. You gave up your home. You are giving up the drink(!) For what? To be with a guy you don't know well and who has given up NOTHING. Love isn't like that.
You know you have the power to change things - because you managed to change things for him. Now change them for yourself.

RoseFlowerFairy Sun 07-Jul-13 17:41:03

What did your friends and family say to you when you announced that you were packing your life in to live with this Man?

Bloody hell, he did not have to do much at all did he?. You also dug the hole you now find yourself in. You need to take also a long and hard look at yourself, you now need to completely re-assess your approach to relationships. The phrase, "too much, too soon" springs to mind.

Go back to your parents and end this before you invest any more of your emotions in this. You do not know him at all.

As others have stated, he has enough red flags on him to make a long line of bunting. Charming and persuasive controlling (aka abusive) men like him make for being dangerous lovers; what on earth persuaded you to jack in your previous life to be with such a man?.

Get the hell out of there as soon as possible. This man is a womanhating arsehole.
Unfortunatley, OP, you are either very young or a bit of a mug, as well. If your life is unsatisfactory, you need to fix it yourself, not wait for The Right Man to do so. If you remain as gullible and desperate as you sound, you will go from one abuser to another and probably end up dragging one or more children into the mess. Right now, while you have no DC and no need to stay in an unfamiliar town, just cut your losses, dump this man and cut off all contact with him. And promise yourself a whole year of being single while you sort out who you are and what you want and get your knob radar properly calibrated so you don't end up in a mess like thsi again.

Officershitty Sun 07-Jul-13 18:17:19

FGS, what does your family say about all this? Or your friends? Surely someone must have warned you against the moment of madness that has got you to the place you are now? Not that that stops some people. I agree with some of the other posters- get yourself out by accepting some practical help from your family and then chalk this one up to experience.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 18:35:54

I do sympathise though OP, is very easy to find your way flattered into all sorts of situations, but now you have realised it's not right (and you have or you wouldn't have posted) there is no shame in changing your mind. It is the grown up and sensible thing to do, although disappointing.

There was a thread here a little while ago discussing the guilt that we feel on ending a relationship, it's never easy, especially when you have made such public commitment. But its a v brief relationship, he'll live with the dumping (that you really should do), and you will live so much better without him. Please trust the ladies on here that have seen this before, and think yourself clever you have got wise to the situation so quickly. Well done for questioning and not accepting the crap.

<but he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him>

Who cares? confused

Right, I think you have made a massive mistake. It happens to the best of us, love. Just cut your losses and gtfo. This bloke sounds like a dick, and he's only going to get worse.

There's nothing wrong with fucking up, we all do it sometimes. Just dump him and move on. He's no good for you.

CashmereHoodlum Sun 07-Jul-13 19:59:36

Please move in with your parents until you can get your flat back. This is just the beginning and it will only get worse. There are some serious red flags here, and you are in a vulnerable position. Run like the wind while you still can.

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 20:21:06

Thanks everyone, for ALL the messages - even the ones pointing out I've been a fool!

I've sent him away to think and unless he comes back soon and says he's sorry and will buck up his ideas, I'll leave. (I need to give him a chance just for my own peace of mind and closure).

I've told my mum about it and she says all I have to do is say the word and she will come and bring me home.

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 07-Jul-13 20:22:30

flowers for your mum.

So you sit in his house waiting for him to come home and be nice to you?

You are putting yourself in a crazy position - I hope you say the word to your mum soon.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 20:41:10

He will say he is sorry and he will buck his "ideas" up

But it will just be empty words

Like those he fooled you with the first weekend he met you

GetYourSocksOff Sun 07-Jul-13 20:42:38

Bless you. What does he need to do for you to be sure that he's bucked up his ideas? What exactly are you hoping will change and when?

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 20:45:03

Op....love is irrational and lovely but you need to tell your lovely mum to come get you anyway. You have told him how you feel now show him you mean it. Go to Mums and make him work for you. Seriously.

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 20:45:23

wink

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