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How do I deal with this sense of loss?

(6 Posts)
missymarmite Sun 07-Jul-13 02:08:48

I'm in a stable relationship with a lovely man. I love him so much, but he has 3 children, I have just one. We met on a dating site. On his profile when we met, he stated he was open to having more children, but since we settled in to a relationship he has always been clear children aren't on the adds because we only have a 3 bed home so no room for more children ( I have 1 ds 10, and his eldest dd 11 lives with us, his younger dds come every other weekend and share eldest dds room).
Tonight we had a blazing row because I confronted him with this. I don't know how to deal with this sense of loss of this child I can never have with him. I am also planning to do teacher training next year , so it's not like kids are on the cards anyway, but I'm 36 and I know time is running out. I will never have another baby and I dont know how to live with this grief . I feel like I'm going mad. I need him to comfort me but he is so annoyed he can't even hug me. I wish I were dead.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 09:24:33

I think you need to work out what this child symbolises and for that you may need counselling. As you say, there are big practical difficulties to having more children. Your home is too small, you're starting a course, you're responsible for 2 - 4 children already etc. So the rational side of things is reasonably easy to see. The emotions however must be coming from somewhere. It could be something as simple as you believe he was dishonest with you from the outset... you were sold a pup, albeit a 'lovely' one... and that the relationship with this man is not as stable or happy as you're telling yourself.

Leverette Sun 07-Jul-13 14:08:30

It's not a stable relationship if you're wishing you were dead.

Is that really how you feel or just histrionics?

Thumbwitch Sun 07-Jul-13 14:11:20

I think you hvae to work out what is more important to you - having another baby or staying with this partner.
If it's the baby and he's DEFINITELY against it then time to move on.
If it's staying with him, then you HAVE to find a way to deal with the grief - or your relationship with him will be over anyway due to your resentment.

I have to say, I don't like your chances of this relationship surviving.

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 08:00:23

How do you end up having a blazing row over having a baby together?
If he doesn't want it, he doesn't. You can't force him to.
You have to look into yourself whether you want a baby more than you want this man.
And it's not like you both are childless.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 08:15:51

There are times when head should probably overrule heart. You have a house that is, really, too small for more kids and if you are going to be off teaching training, presumably you won't be earning for some time to enable to help fund a bigger house? How many years is teacher training and what age will you be when you have done this? And if you're teacher training, presumably you would like to teach for a couple of years before disappearing off on maternity leave?

He's got his practical head on, you've got your heart set on more children. I'm afraid I never quite understand why some people feel the need to have a child with every long-term partner they have, as if that is going to keep everything together and perfect. It often doesn't.

Not quite sure how your overwhelming sense of wanting another child also fits with your own statement that kids aren't on the cards anyway because of your teacher training. If your guy didn't have any kids, or just had one, are you saying that "sod the training, we'd have a kid?" Because it sounds from that that one minute having another child is your priority and the next that teacher training is.

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