I’ve upset my BF’s Mother

[LiveFastDieOld2]

I?ve been going out with my boyfriend for seven months. But yesterday was the first time I had been invited to travel over the 30 odd miles to their small-holding.
His Mother had suggested that we might go out for a (horse) ride in the afternoon which was fine with me. So at the correct time +/- 5 minutes I drove up and parked in the yard. His Mother came out and the visit went fine for the first 30 seconds, right up to the time when I mentioned that my horsebox, complete with John Boy (my horse), were just a couple of minutes behind me.
It now seems that bringing my own horse was bad but getting somebody else to bring him over for me was ?pretentious? and so doubly bad. Honestly it had never occurred to me that it would be a problem.
Any suggestions as to what I might do to get back into favour?

[LiveFastDieOld2]

You haven't been tapping my phone have you?

Yes it was my boyfriend who provided the feedback and yes he told me that "she is like that with most people"

I'm still keen to get back into favour though!

[TotallyBursar]

More fool you then.

Boundaries, get them, enforce them.
She's putting you in your place early on isn't she, is he mummy's darling boy?

[LiveFastDieOld2]

Not at all. He takes after his Dad who seems both sensible and nice. Now BF's younger brother ........!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

NEVER be 'keen to get back in favour' with ANYONE because that's the road to a lifetime of submissive misery and self-hatred. If she's the outspoken sort that freely insults others, square up to her. On no account apologise or kiss her backside just because your boyfriend exited her genitalia once upon a time.

[TotallyBursar]

Pity the younger brother's partner then.

But yes, don't kiss up or get back in favour. Her behaviour is tantrummy and spoiled - don't set yourself up for it.
She sounds delightful.

[Ponders]

She doesn't keep rodeo horses by any chance...?

[LiveFastDieOld2]

I wonder if I can dump her without dumping him? Or I could just ignore her and carry on regardless or even gently wind her up by calling her estate a smallholding. 400 acres of her 900 are only rented hill land after all!

[SoulTrain]

Welcome to my world, I'm married though.

You won't ever do right for doing wrong, these eruptions will come up bi-annually, you'll begin to care less over time.

Pass over it with a quick "whoops, sorry didn't realise. Haha! Anyway..."

Bloody MIL's. I'm going to be AWESOME if DS ever marries.

[Lweji]

Why did he tell you this?

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Yes - why did he tell you this? My MIL can be a bit if a tit too. However, I only recently found out how much when I had to borrow DH's phone and found a whole load if that texts he'd never told me about.

Basically, I PM nice and peasant to her. Keep myself right and then I couldn't care less what she thinks as she's got no reason to complain.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Pleasant! I don't advocate acting like a "peasant"!

[Hissy]

Ignore, ignore ignore.

What you did was fine! If she's got a problem, so what?!

You can go riding with people you want to ride with!

Fwiw, when you have your own horse, why would you want to ride someone else's stranger horse. I found that most disconcerting tbh.

[Lweji]

I don't know the exact circumstances, but being invited to ride together could be like a lunch invitation. You wouldn't take your own food, would you?
I can sort of see why she might feel a bit miffed.
But she could easily have just said something like "no need to bring your own next time, we have plenty/a lovey horse for you".

But your bf does seem to want to stir trouble between the two of you. Maybe so that you don't become too friendly?

You have to think that he may well be telling her anything you say about her.

I remember my now ex, then just bf, telling me about what future SIL and someone else had said about me. This through his mother.

[Lweji]

lovely, not lovey

[Iwouldratherbemuckingout]

I suspect there must be a backstory here! I must admit if I invited someone to ride, the first thing you'd do is make proper arrangements, you know, clarify your bringing your own horse, that sort of thing. It's only good manners! Or, good communication.

And I hate to say it, but someone else driving the wagon with horse up, rightly or wrongly, would make me mutter about being pretensious too UNLESS you can't drive the wagon though and someone doing that for you was a special treat. Then I would feel touched that you had gone to so much trouble to ride with me.

[LiveFastDieOld2]

I honestly never thought that much about it. The invitation came via BF and I just assumed that bringing my own horse was what she had meant me to do. I'm not very confident or experienced with driving the horsebox, especially on roads I don't know well, and as the groom hadn't anything much urgent on I asked her to drive it over for me.

All my possible MIL needed to say was "no need to bring your own next time, we have plenty/a lovey horse for you" but to go frosty on me within 30 seconds of seeing me for the first time was OTT.

I think BF told me because he thought I needed to know. I would rather be told than to keep on repeating a mistake that I didn't know WAS a mistake.

[PoppyAmex]

"gently wind her up by calling her estate a smallholding. 400 acres of her 900 are only rented hill land after all!"

I can't imagine why she would think you pretentious.

Sorry OP, this might be your attempt at humour but it comes across as crass and in poor taste.

[LiveFastDieOld2]

But I didn't actually say that to her. I was wondering aloud online why me having my horsebox driven over by a groom was seen by her as pretentious while her own use of the word estate (for a small to medium sized farm) and staff (for her part time cleaner) wasn't.

[PoppyAmex]

Well, maybe she has cottoned on to your feelings about her "smallholding" and her "part-time cleaner". These types of feelings are often harder to disguise than we think.

I boarded with a few girls whose parents had come into money recently and they also had this habit of mentally toting up people's "assets" and comparing; it's odd.

Anyway, I hope you and your MIL can find a way to communicate effectively so it doesn't affect your relationship. Good luck.

[tattychicken]

You don't just tip up with your horse in tow. You would check first, eg where can I park the lorry, have you a spare box/paddock I can bung him in, blah blah blah. Anyone who had a horse would know that. You don't sound genuine.

[LiveFastDieOld2]

Hi PoppyAmex - Could be, but the frostiness started almost the minute I arrived. Well before I could have leaked any feelings about her estate and cleaner because she hadn't said anything about them then.

Please Miss, she started it!

[LiveFastDieOld2]

Hi Tatty. I knew that she had a farm and kept horses. It was hardly a massive leap of faith to do what I did. If she lived in a urban semi then I agree but she doesn't!

[pigsDOfly]

I'm sorry OP, but turnin up with 'the groom' and your horse following in your wake does sound pretentious.

If she invited you to ride with her I would assume she would be providing the horse. As you say, you knew she kept horses.

I'm not surprised she thought you were being a bit precious.

[LiveFastDieOld2]

OK I was wrong then. A lesson learned. 'twas the folly of youth!