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My story and i,almost don't care

(21 Posts)
springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:56:24

You say you 'almost don't care'. That hopelessness speaking.

there IS hope, really there is. It's quite simple, really - he is an abusive shit, he uses techniques that are so simple they are laughable... but deadly.

You're not the first and won't be the last, sadly, who gets paralised by these awful techniques. You need not be ashamed, there are hoards of us.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 06-Jul-13 09:52:37

Get out. I did and life is so much sweeter now.

What Hissy said really hits the nail on the head. My Ex put me down because my intelligence made him feel threatened.

Never again will I be with a man who makes me feel bad for being me.

Find the strength to leave, it will be hard, but ultimately rewarding. There is not a single day that passes where I am not grateful I made the decision to leave.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Jul-13 09:49:17

If the DSDs are grown up there is no reason why they can't choose to stay in touch with you.

It's amazing how many strong, intelligent, nice women end up in abusive relationships. One of the first exercises you should try is to let go of the feeling of shame that you became stuck on the slippery slope, because it can happen to anyone. (Nigella Lawson anyone? Halle Berry? Rich, famous, beautiful - abused?) The point is that now your eyes are opened you can start making plans to get off it. And there is help out there.

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 09:48:42

I know we think these dreadful m'en are all powerful when we're in it, but they do what they do out of FEAR and INFERIORITY, not power.

Did you see the trial of that monster Philpott? He thought HIS hatred of all things woman would win him through, the law saw straight through him, and he got almost as much as he deserved.

The law is the law, you are married, the house is half yours, as a starting point.

You can find a lawyer that can act for you and deduct from the settlement.

Main thing is that you do need to get out. That takes time to plan and raise the courage for, but it can - and must - be done.

Keep posting, listen to the advice here, call WA, read the books and put yourself first.

We're all here for you.

Lweji Sat 06-Jul-13 09:20:01

Are you happy now?

You could be happy in a smaller house, and with less things.

Just imagine not living afraid of the people who live with you.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:13:57

Get Womens Aid on your side and it will all start to make sense, a strategy will emerge about how you can do it (making sure he doesn't follow through with his threats that you'll get nothing); your head (and heart) will start to clear.

You're not the only one. The fog you're in is classic for victims of domestic abuse - the powerlessness. You aren't powerless, he has just made you think you are. Abusers are very convincing. It's amazing how they do it, really. One of the ways they keep you a blob is the shame that you've ended up a blob = vicious circle.

It's not you, it's him. Get the ball rolling and call Womens Aid as soon as. You don't have to give your name or details, you can just talk in the first instance. They will support you. It will be amazing how your head starts to clear after even one conversation.

You could also get on the Freedom Programme - click the search button - top row, middle button. You can do it online but imo it is better to meet rl people in similar situations. The teaching is second to none and it goes a long way to busting the chains that keep us imprisoned in the abusers web of control and lies.

You can do it stanley. Plenty of us have xxx

Roshbegosh Sat 06-Jul-13 07:41:44

Why would you get nothing? You are owner of half of the joint assets aren't you, if you are married. I thought that was how it worked. Once the family grow it sounds like your life will be an even worse hell. You are worth so much more than this.

myroomisatip Sat 06-Jul-13 07:35:05

You absolutely must get help! Does anyone in RL know about your situation? Is there anybody you can confide in?

If I can get out (and I have!) then you can. Even if just small steps, one at a time, you can do it.

Cogito has said it all already. Speak to solicitors, CAB, Womens Aid, and the police D.V. unit. Do it.

dolcelatte Sat 06-Jul-13 07:29:15

Leave him and see a lawyer asap!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 07:26:35

I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation. But please don't close off your exits by assuming the worst rather than researching your options and finding out where you legally and practically stand. Your step-children are witnessing this abuse and deserve protection and to live in a calm environment. You deserve the same thing of course.

Please call Womens Aid in the first instance. Seeing a solicitor might also make you feel more positive about what you'd be entitled to in the event of a divorce. The police Domestic Violence unit (contactable on the non-emergency number) can also be very helpful on a practical level.

Good luck

lowercase Sat 06-Jul-13 07:21:08

If there has been abuse you could get legal aid iirc...
You may get something...even so...
You are worth more than bricks and mortar.

ImNotBloody14 Sat 06-Jul-13 02:22:20

I know 'lettuing' him have the house might feel like 'giving in' but it migjt be key to the door

ImNotBloody14 Sat 06-Jul-13 02:21:06

If he doesnt give you anything is that something you can accept as the cost of freedom? Sometimes, leavjng with. Nothing is everythinb. Not sure if that makes sense but it makes sense when uoure in that sitiuation. Leave eveytimg of past life nehind and start brand new.

ThatLightbulbMoment Sat 06-Jul-13 02:17:52

ImNot I couldn't agree more. I am out of my abusive marriage and believe me, kicking him out is the best thing I have ever done. You will get there OP flowers

ImNotBloody14 Sat 06-Jul-13 02:13:30

I dont mean you are choosing yo be anused. I mean it feels so good to know tyou womt ne anused today.

ImNotBloody14 Sat 06-Jul-13 02:11:50

I have never felt as free as whne i left my exp. he was abusive. It only hit me wheni left just how bad it was. Its worth si much just that simple thing of choosing nit to be abused today.

sweetbitch Sat 06-Jul-13 02:07:14

Yes,i do want to leave, but i don't want to leave my fsmily and home life, wbich i do know will end soon as the DSD are both over 20, DH will not give me anything from the s as le of the house, he will find a way. But i do live in fear, i don't think i am miserable because that's not the way i am. But i hate it when he goes to the pub and i have to wait for him to come home, he doesn't just drink, he does cocaine as well, so he can get very agressive. no point moaning as you say, i should go, should start planning my way out

Weegiemum Sat 06-Jul-13 02:02:21

I have contact with women's aid through my job at a women's charity. Please call them, they are amazing!

You're most likely in England, I suppose so 0808 2000 247

Scotland 0800 027 1234

Wales 0808 80 10 800

N.Ireland 0800 917 1414

ImNotBloody14 Sat 06-Jul-13 01:55:05

Uou want to leave?

VicarInaTutu Sat 06-Jul-13 01:52:08

how old are the children?

your story is by no means an isolated one. Have you tried to seek help or look at what your options actually are?

i always recommend womens aid to people i meet through work in this situation.
also CAB are very good with helping you work out what you would get benefit wise etc were you to leave.

if you are not happy then life is far too short to stay. 20 years is a long time - a life sentence. But you can chose to leave it if you want to.
help is out there.
its not easy. but you can do it if you want to. no one deserves to live in misery or in fear.

sweetbitch Sat 06-Jul-13 01:32:01

I have lived with DH for over 20 years, i thought he was the love of my life, there are 2 DSD who live with us, and i love them very much. He has been an absolute cunt to me, he has been violent, verbally abusive, destroyed almost everything i have owned, why am i still here, why am i such a fucking loser.
If you met me, you wouldn't believe i was that woman above

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