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Im a wreck :-(

(34 Posts)
hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 13:01:56

Thats it really. Finished 2 yr, what turned into an abusive relationship and Im a wreck, feeling exhausted, tearful most of the time. Also confused. Dont know where to start in terms of picking myself up, or making a plan for the future. I do have some counselling arranged to start next week.. Lots happened in short space of time and now also feel back to square one as I am not over my marriage. I met him too soon i think :-(
Help? I know many have been here before and have far worse problems, I am really struggling though..

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 22:52:58

smile

The thoughts are a mix of dreams and hopes.

What you need to balance your thoughts with is the truth. Remind yourself of what he said/did if you can bear to.

The phrase 'The truth will set you free' for me really helped.

This man wasn't right, but you were scared to let go as you didn't know what was coming next.

I don't either, but work on yourself, allow yourself to heal, invest the time and it WILL be better than what you had with him, for sure!

hardtohandle36 Sun 07-Jul-13 13:59:22

just wanted to say thanks for replying, I am feeling a bit clearer, the last week i have felt like i have had a permanent hangover, cant think clearly, exhausted etc is this due to stress? or my mind trying to make sense of things? I am trying to rest and NOT go into overdrive as i make myself worse. Sometimes it feels like a dream, like it hasnt happened.. I just do not understand him, he was definitely suffering from depression/anxiety and drinking way too much but he shouldnt have treated me as he did.
Why would someone want to control another person, do they get a kick out of it? He seemed so genuine at times, full of remorse, crying, opening his heart, then other times was manipulate and seemed to know exactly what he was doing. I have a controlling mother, a relationship where i have never known where I stand, i wonder if that is how i ended up with him- because i am used to it?

hardtohandle36 Wed 10-Jul-13 14:13:01

10 days later and I am feeling a whole load better about it :-) thank you. I am trying to balance out the romantic good feeling stuff with the other side of him. He is so charming, good looking, knows all of the right things to say.. but look what happens when his needs arent met? I couldnt live like that :-( I am starting to accept it REALLY is over this time and to move on..Ive lost a lot of confidence and of course im not happy at whats happened but at least it has happened now rather than waste more time and run the risk of things escalating. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship feel free to send words of encouragement when you are out the "other side".. ;-) Ive a long way to go.. but..

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 14:24:50

Words of encouragement..... It does take a long time to recover from an abusive relationship of any kind. Mine was emotionally abusive rather than physically. You'll find you feel great for a time and then something they did will pop into your mind and you'll have the awful realisation 'I can't believe I didn't see that'... 'how stupid was I?'.... and feel sick all over again. Then you'll have days where it's all nostalgia for the good times.... and that doesn't make you feel any better either.

I've rationalised it that, when you're in the middle of an abusive relationship, you push the bad things to the back of your mind as a form of self-preservation and you keep the good things top of mind because that's what you're always hoping you'll get back to if you can just find the key. When you're free of it, all those buried memories creep back so that you can learn from the experience. It's unpleasant but I think it's a healing thing.

Glad you're feeling more positive. Make the most of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 14:29:39

"If is wasnt about me, then what was it about?"

Them. Cowardly, selfish, bullying, inadequate them. If the only way a man (and I use the term loosely) can feel good about himself is to terrify and abuse others, he's got serious problems.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 14:34:11

"I have a controlling mother, a relationship where i have never known where I stand, i wonder if that is how i ended up with him- because i am used to it?"

Only in part. If you're used to controlling behaviour you will have developed ways to cope with it, keep the bully sweet and so forth. So you tolerated the behaviour possibly longer than someone else without your background would.

BUT (big but) you ended up with this particular person by chance & not by choice. You did not actively set out to be with a bully. You do not give off 'bully me' signals. You are not a bully-magnet. smile If you'd met a decent man that respected you rather than tried to control you, this situation would not have arisen.

hardtohandle36 Wed 10-Jul-13 14:38:56

thanks ces..yes i am going through the process of what you have described above, it feels a like long road. I do feel stupid, i shake my head at myself sometimes and think why? I am making the most of the positiveness for now ;-) i felt so unbelievably trapped and like there simply was no way out.
Want to kick the s**t out of him or imagine doing it. He did same to ex wife however i gave him the benefit of the doubt when i met him, as what else do you do? but now i am more with her.. how he described she described him i am now "with".. he didnt love her however described me as "the love of his life" do you think karma came to him as I got out? or do you think it is still to come to him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 14:51:54

Divine retribution never happens to these types. smile I've checked every casualty list of every disaster that has happened since exH left and the bugger has never had the decency to be in there. Instead he's a happily married father of two with a loaded DW and a fancy lifestyle. <gags> .... <not bitter> .... <honest>

All you can do is learn from the experience. That part about giving the ex-wife the benefit of the doubt, for example. Next time you meet someone that gives you the 'you're so lovely, not like that bitch I used to be married to' line.... run away.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 10-Jul-13 19:40:24

Thankfully since you have no DC with him, you can let him fade from your mind in the way that a nightmare fades with the dawning of a new day.

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