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Not really sure what just happened with DH

(251 Posts)
Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 07:42:43

I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.

I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.

He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.

I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)

I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.

On and on until 4am.

He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."

Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 22:27:47

Anyfucker I can't be a bitch back to you because a year ago just before I swore off mumsnet you were an angel to me. I've always earned more than any partner I've had and probably always will - work in city where it's silly money. Am the bolshiest toughest women you could meet. And my husband argues and negotiates and trades with me all the time - just like any good healthy marriage. But when you are the one keeping the family solvent it's scary and I can't be criticized for aasking op to be a bit more independent during a stressful time. And I'm sorry to wwonder why she got fired??

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:31:07

Fair enough, Jan

It's a thread by thread thing, this Mumsnet lark smile

I disagree with you here though, money has nothing to do with this

an abusive man is described here, deal maker or dole maker

bigstrongmama Fri 05-Jul-13 22:34:41

Can you leave him.

It has taken me years to realise that anyone who says such horrible things about you is either (a) correct, but mean spirited OR (b) being deliberately nasty to belittle you; either way, a or b, it is a clear sign that the person does not respect you as a person and therefore does not deserve your love.

Anyway, why would you want to stay with someone who thinks you are rubbish?!

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 22:38:59

I can't believe I'm back on this bloody site - it's like crack cocaine! I know the op is having a shit time. But I've seen the man I love change so much thru redundancy that I know what stress ans worry can do to them. When I read the post I just saw 2 people at opposite ends of the spectrum - op, loses job, loses best friend, wants to conceive and feels totally upended by the while thing! Husband, just married, scared of enormous job, worried about providing, having to to be more emotionally involved coz best friend isn't ( never a success) , worried about conceiving, worried if he is ready to have a child and realising to be terribly crude " Jesus with all these worries will I even get it up". I think it just a story for our Times - life is so hard at the moment - but sometimes you just have to suck it up! ( straight from my 77 year old dad's mouth )

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:51:35

why did you leave MN, Jan ?

and wtf were you thinking ? wink

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 22:52:10

Jan you really need to skim through the OPs old thread which is linked in this one. Her h is an abusive and mysogynist hypocrite who is not to tired to argue the toss and emotionally abuse until 4 am Also not to tired for a late night in a strip club. Please at least skim through the other thread Jan because you are projecting and its not fair to the OP.
I stand by what i said on your older thread OP Hes a mysogynist with a Madonna/whore complex and you are going further into a sexless as well as abusive marriage.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:54:18

I agree with DE, Jan

I think you mustn't have read OP's linked thread

it certainly puts things in perspective

did you see the post on here where she said they had sex that she "forgot" ?

she hasn't elaborated on that, but I think I know what she means, and it is very, very worrying

FlorIxora Fri 05-Jul-13 22:56:10

Rugged, can you clarify that you were upset because he turns you down for sex a lot/regularly?

Also surprised at "we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex".

You make it sound like sex was agreed like a business transaction.

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 23:00:58

Ach it was all to do with that Mum round the corner from me that killed her children and I'd seen them on the common and her daughter and son were the same age as my boys and I just was so, I don't know, just horrified it happened round the corner from me and I couldn't do anything! And I got such a vitriolic response I thought sod this ! Anyway I'm derailing! I obviously should have read the link! In my twenties as a high powered exec my then boyfriend beat the shit out of me so my antenna is always up - but I just tbought it sounded like this one was struggling a bit!
Ps it's bloody nice to hear from anyfucker again!!!

SunshineBossaNova Fri 05-Jul-13 23:03:32

FlorIxora sex can be a bit like that when you're TTC and it's ovulation day...

sad I can truly believe you feel like you've been hit by a bus. It's awful when the blinkers come off.

Please take care of yourself and do get out. He's an extremely controlling bully. You deserve a life.

It's obvious from your posts that you're an intelligent woman. He's going to make you feel worthless if you stay.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 23:04:50

Blimey, that wasn't an answer I expected shock

I was expecting a run of the mill "I posted in AIBU and some vipers disagreed with me" smile

Oh and exdh didn't like sex. I suffered for years. I've never looked back.

We're friends now and he's never met anyone else. But then again I think know he's not that into women hmm Sad really.

I'm very happy with dp now but wasted years with exdh. We did have good times though and he'd never bully me. J

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 23:09:56

Ha ha! Sorry - bit of a heavy one but you were lovely!!
Bottom line op - heres my magic 3 - do you love him? Does he truly respect you ? And do you truly
Respect him? Once all that is sorted everything else will fall into place when better times come

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:14:06

Oh Christ sake Jan <head desk>

AF i missed the bit that theyve had sex the OP has "forgotten" thats VERY concerning.

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:15:07

Better times will NOT come with this man NO WAY

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 23:19:26

I know DE. What the actual fuck sad

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:24:51

He wants to have sex with her when she isnt enjoying it or when shes anxious because in his eyes only "whores" enjoy sex. This is the Madonna/whore complex in full tilt.
And because he said himself that he would fuck a stripper but never marry one...that just rubber stamps it OP. Hes a bastard.

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 23:24:55

Darkesteyes, protect your head! Look, what has he done that sentences him to ltb territory - he bitched about stuff that pisses him off?? Last week I walked into our kitchen, slammed the door and screamed " I'm sick of you not ever lifting things fRom the bottom the stairs, stop asking me what's for diinner you lazy shit, and no you can't go to golf for a whole day on Sunday and why the f* do you still not have a job"
and then 4 hours later I apologised and we started again - like millions of other couples!
It's not a rose garden this marriage lark

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:30:17

Jan you are STILL projecting. Your h not pulling his weight is NOT the fucking same as the OPs is doing.
Do you have lap dances off other men who dangle their dicks in yr face then refuse to have sex with yr dh until youve shouted at him and ranted at him until 4 am and then said "Hey fella" get on board.
God the more i see of high acheivers loads of them have lots of intelligence but are completely devoid of common sense.

What has he done? shock

He withholds sex
He withholds sleep
He is a headfuck
He is controlling
He is trying to isolate Op from her friends
He is verbally abusive
He tries to have sex with her to prove his control
He does not respect her
He has persuaded her to TTC a baby, yet still withholds sex/uses sex to control - deliberately confusing
He is trying to persuade you that you are different than you are

OP, do you reckon he encourage you to leave the job you mentioned on your previous thread because he wanted to ensure you became even more dependent on him?

What happened between you leaving that job, and getting sacked last week? How was his take on this?

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:43:17

Quint thats a good point. Did yr h talk you into leaving a job for one that is less secure.

Butterflywgs Fri 05-Jul-13 23:43:37

As most people have said - he's an abuser. OP: please, get out.
Seriously. Making you feel like shit because you've lost your job, undermining your friendships, making out he's superior, denying sex when you want it yet deciding he feels like it later after berating you...that's...just a bit rapey. Everything has to be on his terms. Anything wrong in the relationship is your fault.
I know it's not as simple as LTB. Can you get support from your friends and family to come up with an exit plan? Is there anyone you could stay with?
I'm glad you seem to be realising what's going on. It's absolutely horrible when the scales fall away from your eyes, been there.
His being stressed and tired that might explain a bit of an outburst but if that was the whole issue he'd have gone to sleep, not gone on until 4am. And he'd have apologised in the morning.
Janiston: you apologised for that behaviour. OP's DH turned the blame back on her.
Good luck OP.

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 23:46:46

I don't know how to search for old threads on here and can't remember the "not remembering" sex one as DH and I have had so many sexual issues I've lost count of what happened and when.

I think your combined analysis of him is very correct, but as you know it takes preparation to leave a marriage, especially one that had only just begun.

Darkesteyes Fri 05-Jul-13 23:48:53

Hi Round Sorry it turned into a mini bunfight on here but i cant stand abuse apologism. Im going to send you a dm Its an article i wrote fr another website please read it when you have time.

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