Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Anyone remember me?(86 Posts)
I can't link to my old thread. H had affair while I was pregnant and life-threateningly ill. 8 months on still horrific. Can't live. Hate everything. So so so sad. I'm sorry to moan.
Op....this is your marriage and you can get all the opinions you want, but at the end its you and your relationship and if you want it to work and believe that you both have enough love left then you should do it.
I forgot to add that one thing my dp hasn't done, is expect me to shut up about it. If it ever comes up now, it's in a historical sense in context, depending on what we're talking about. He knows he has to suck up whatever I throw at him.
8 months is no time at all.
I would ask your husband to move out for a while , if finances permit take a 6 month rental somewhere nearby so he can still be close to the DC
I think the detail of his affair ie with a friend and while you were pregnant is what I wouldnt be able to get past
Frankly, from my very personal point of view, it has taken years and years for me to deal with my partner's betrayal.
It's around 7 years ago and we stayed together(after a prolonged period apart). Some things he did I will actually never talk about on here, they were so appalling.
It's been hard hard work, on both sides.
The point in my posting is to tell you about the time it took me, and actually, to say that if I'm honest, it still affects me, and us. At the moment, and probably for the last year or so, I've been struggling with trust issues. Nothing to do with betrayal, just trust over supposedly everyday issues in our relationship.
And this, I've come to understand, is the legacy of his betrayal. Without that betrayal being directly linked to things we're going through in the here and now (by that, I mean I have genuinely forgiven him), it in fact colours all issues that come up relating to trust.
It's very very hard to deal with. One day I may even start a thread about it ho ho.
I can't read this back as I'm on my phone and it won't let me, I'm not at all convinced it makes sense.
Feegle - I also think much will depend on the circumstances surrounding the affair (e.g length of affair, was it during a pregnancy, how did he treat betrayed party, who was OW etc).
In OP's case, because she was pregnant and had a life threatening illness, she will find it very hard to come to terms with it. I don't really know if she ever will as I don't get the impression her H is doing enough to help her recover.
FFS! Too much sun! Been out all day, just reading replies now.
OW is a HCP who works with pregnant and new mothers. City wide expert. I may have just outed myself.
Thank you again everyone. Been out at a l
I think both Mad and Skye have very valid points.
Each time I read one or the others' responses I'm convinced more that, in fact, you are both right.
This is only going to go away when the OP has worked through her own feelings of betrayal and when her DH has proven to her that he is doing all he can to win her trust and her heart back, but the marriage will fester and die, if the OP can't begin to move forward and see a time when she can draw a line under it.
I have no idea how long that will take but for her own well being and self esteem, she must work on letting herself heal to be free of the torture of the betrayal.
In essence, there's a lot of work to be done by both to heal the marriage. If both are committed, I'm sure it can work.
Skye - The more one is able to process their feelings, the quicker they are able to let go. Sweeping things under the carpet and pretending it never happened is unlikely to work in the long term.
Sounds to me as if you are simply going through a process which you hope will end up with your marriage stabilising. You say things are getting better, easier but it would be totally expected imo for you to have days/weeks/months when you are in agony again. Similarly your husband is working his way through and at times has difficulties.
When he makes his crass comments in future remind him forcibly that you are entitled to take as damn long as it takes, forever even and he has to eat that shit!
Agree that moving school would be better.
Good luck op. I'm sure you are showing your children a great example and don't let any fucker tell you differently.
It's just obvious though that it is never going to work unless it is put behind them. They both have to want to make it work or there really is no point. I know that betrayal is a huge thing but you cannot want to move forward and keep the marriage if it is continually dragged up over and over again. There is no timescale but how can there be s future if its never let go? There has to be a point where it is put away surely?
how can there be a marriage otherwise ?
My counsellor told me that both parties have to want to make it work or there is no point. if you make the decision to stay with a cheater then surely part if that decision is all about moving on from what has happened?
I agree that her H needs to prove himself and do everything he can but it surely cannot continue in this way.
If it would still be an issue five years on then there is no marriage is there? Surely? Just two very unhappy people.
The best way OP to move on is for her to see that he has changed - is he going to counselling? doing some reading? has he gained an insight into why he chose to cheat? into his issues, values and beliefs? is he working on his character flaws? investing in the marriage? established boundaries etc?
Skye - how do you define long term? 6 months? 1 year? 18 months? 5 years?
Its not about "discussing" it, its more about working through your emotions. Its not about punishing him either.
And it can take years for the cheater to work on himself and make changes - especially if certain traits such as selfishness are so ingrained.
Recovery is a long and ongoing process and not everyone can hack it.
My DH knows where the door is if he no longer wants to listen/reassure/comfort me when I need it.
I agree it's still very mych early days and that H should be doing everything he can to make things right but long term it has to be resolved or there is no future. That is something that only OP can decide.
How do you think you can move on from this OP? What do you need to move forward? Your H needs to understand that and work with you to sort everything out.
It's only eight months since discovery - yet twice the dh has told her to get over it.
Perhaps the onus should be on him to suck up the shit storm he so merrily created.
I am not saying that she should forgive him but there is no future in the marriage if she can't move on from this. How can there be?
I couldn't do it, but if OP wants her marriage to continue then she does need to find a way through this. If she can't then the marriage is over. You cannot stay together as a couple continually discussing the past. It needs to be discussed to death and laid to rest.
Yes he deserves everything he gets from OP but that cannot continue forever.
OP, my P left, two weeks ago. No OW, just a manchild who is selfish and not the person I believed he was.
I have 2 DC. DS is 7 months old today.
I know it must be scary for you to consider being on your own but I'm living it right now and although I'm terrified I am also experienced enough as a single parent (dc1 is not his and I brought her up alone for many years) and I know life will be good for me again.
It's bloody hard but I have no choice.
If you are determined to stay then you must find a way to draw a line under the past and move forward. Maybe you need to consider counselling.
Good luck, whatever happens.
what a nightmare year for you.
I think you are coping amazing having a new born is hard enough let alone everything else that has happened.
My partner had an affair last summer and I do remember your threads. I have removed myself from where we were living, being close to where she used to live and knowing I could bump into her at anytime was not for me and when occasionally I have to go back it does trigger emotions. How you can do this daily is beyond me.
I know how hard it must be to make a decision and you don't want to give up on your marriage but in a kind gentle way of me asking, is it what you really want for the rest of your life? You will never forget and might forgive who knows but would you be truly happy?
You can do it on your own and you may meet someone new and wonderful, many people do.
Maybe give yourself a time frame to work to-if it's no better by then make the changes to be on your own.
Or ask him now to leave a d give you space. Space to work out what you want without the drama.
I think for you to truly gain some perspective and strength, you need some peace in your life. Time and space to work out what it is you have in your life, what you want and need.
I think you need to ask your H to move out for a bit.
I remember your threads. The contrast between how lovely you are and how appallingly he was treating you was, sorry, quite unforgetable.
To people who haven't read those threads- he was fucking her friend, telling the friend he loved her, and telling op that she was mad, sick and 'needed help'. (This while op was pregnant.
I would never forgive him.
I remember he has threatened to leave before because you won't let it go. Fuck him.
I remember you are catholic and under some community pressure. That's fine, as long as you are aware of what a cruel twat you are choosing to stay with.
I think it's unfair to accuse the OP of 'keep bringing it up'. His very presence is bringing it up. Living in the house where the crying and yelling took place is bringing it up. Dropping kids off at school bumping into the DH's mistress is bringing it up. When basic aspects of everyday life are connected to the traumatic event, it's always going to be top of mind.
My marriage ended a long, long time ago now but I still get surprise flashback moments triggered by a song on the radio, the mention of a particular name, and can feel suddenly down. OP, you will never forget this and if you never forgive him, that's perfectly OK too.
I actually do think you have to draw a line under it, but only when you are ready.
You are not moving goalposts, you are having conflicting emotions.
I think it is admirable that you have tried.
I think from what people say, two years is the starting point, then is he prepared to work towards that?
Change is school seems like a good idea.
Neither could I Bogeyface. I would far prefer to be in a marriage where communication is open and honest - otherwise it must be like having an elephant in the room. It helps my DH understands where I am coming from when I get into a strop/mood and he is the one who helps me out of it.
Join the discussion
Please login first.