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DH says he never loved me, had affairs all married life. I am pg with 4th help.

(126 Posts)
IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 14:20:20

We hadbeen trying for a baby, I fell pregnant quickly. Soon afterwards I found incriminating texts and emails that hesleptwith another woman a few years agoand did various otherthings sexting etc. He betrayed my confidence by having an emotional affair with another woman who wanted my place and went to unbelievable lengths to ty and push me out.

Anyway, long story short. He has fessed up, completely. I know because I hacked all his accounts with a keylogger and a tech friend's help.

He is taking meds for his high blood pressure and has become better. He is currently on an extended biz trip. He wrote me an apology letter stating thathe is sorry he has hurt me in such an unbelievably cruel way, all these years, he says when we got together he fell for me, he was just divorced and living alone, it was such a powerful attraction. He has dark places in him and has dragged me down, he is truly sorry.

It's long please bear with me.

In a follow up call he told me he never really loved me or he wouldn't have Done what he did. He feels a powerful sexual attraction to me but objectified me and he says I can never get over the hurt he caused me, that the relationship is broken beyond repair and he wants to let me go to find someone else.

My heart is pretty manled and I am hardly keeping it together for the kids, I am endlessly crying. What am I to do? Try counseling with him? Accept that he doesn't want me anymore? I am pregnant and we have 3 little dc. I am just over 30. My life as I know it is over. Am I being stupid to try and hold On to my marriage?

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:25:57

How awful for you, especially as you are pregnant. It is pointless for you to demean yourself by trying to save your marriage after he has done this to you. You are only 30, you have your whole life ahead of you. The best course of action for you now would be to ask him to leave so that you can get some headspace to come to terms with what has happened.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 14:38:25

Thank you for your kind words, Cashmere. I feel so numb.
What makes it worse is that he did this to his first wife, I only found that out when he confessed. He says he didn't love her either. He seems to not be able to have any empathy for people. He really is a sociopath and scores high on the O'Hare Scale.

I am worried my kids will lose touch with their step sibs. I hardly know the mum, he has always kept us separate. Makes sense know. Yes hindsight is a wonderful thing... [hollow laugh]

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:41:09

Good grief, that's awful. How many children has this man fathered? Have you got people who live close by to support you? When is your baby due?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 14:41:10

I'm so sorry you've been hit with this double whammy of finding out about his affairs and the insult to your intelligence that is 'I never loved you'. Every cheating, lying scumbag seems to come out with that last one in a pathetic attempt to convince themselves. It's very cruel.

Please talk to someone IRL that you are close to - friends, family, even your GP - and take some time to work out what you want to do next. You're in shock and reeling so make him stay well away from you and give yourself plenty of time to think clearly. Be with people that like you. Holding onto your marriage seems like a non-starter. Why would you want to be with a shit of a man that doesn't like or respect you enough to stay faithful and be honest?

Your life has changed - no getting away from that - but it is anything but over. Best of luck

Branleuse Thu 04-Jul-13 14:43:21

Jesus christ, he couldnt even be kind about it could he. What a cunt.

Im so sorry xx

Potteresque97 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:46:35

of course you're not being stupid - maybe you should try and organize some individual counselling to work out how you feel, before anything else. What an awful position to find yourself in, you must be a very competent mum though to be having a 4th, so you know exactly what you're doing there. Try and work on how you can rebuild your self esteem and feel in control of the situation.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 14:54:32

Reading your replies I am sobbing, my heart is so broken. I don't want my kids to grow up without a Dad but good grief I can barely get through the day without pain. How cold I be so stupid? I have always supported him, moved when needed and been there done the corporate wife thing, cooked, washed, cleaned, held hands. Every single poto and memory of our married life only happened in my own head, it wasn't reality. His jusification really stings.

I wonder if he is depressed or if I am just thick and cannot accept his honesty but believed all his lies.

I have my Mum and Dad in the village though they are in their mid 70s and know nothing of yet and will be shocked.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 14:58:51

Thank you Cogito, I think I am afraid of being alone. Single. Divorced with our dc. In a small village. I haven't worked for 5 years, I have no confidence in being able to get any sort of life bak for myself.

I have no real friends, just other married couples and they never invite me out alone, only when my husband is here.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 15:01:16

Your kids don't have to grow up without a dad, if he wants to still be a dad to them then let him, 40% of families are raised by single parents. He's one of those guys who happily impregnants you but then goes off shagging during the pregnancies, sorry, this guy has no conscience, you are so much nicer in every way.

These men are always truly sorry, yeah, because they've been caught. From what you are saying, he sounds like a person not to be trusted so what are the chances of it happening again - pretty high I would think?

Get rid, get him out, - you're calling the shots now.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 15:02:42

And, you are not stupid - you are a nice person.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 15:04:54

You're not stupid. We've all been in bad relationships. Some of us have stuck at bad relationships way past their sell-by date, naively believing that our love would make everything right. We've forgiven and made allowances and excuses.... we've all been young and foolish.

There are also all kinds of malign influences brainwashing young girls that the best thing in life to aim for is to be the supportive SAHM, trotting around after her clever husband, popping out loads of kids, baking cakes and making crafts, and that being the perfect wife guarantees happiness. All it gets you is dependency and vulnerability but at least you had the good sense to marry the bastard... a solicitor can fill you in on the rest

He's not depressed, he's a shit and he's chosen to behave this way all by himself, not because of anything you or his ex did or didn't do.

Do talk to your Mum and Dad. I have a crisp tenner here says they never really liked him that much and won't be in the slightest bit shocked.

Potteresque97 Thu 04-Jul-13 15:06:19

your parents will come to terms with it, they wouldn't want their daughter staying with an oh that had let her down so badly. you'll find reasons to regain your optimism if you look for them, 5+ years is not that long being out of the labour market - lots of women get back into work after breaks for kids.

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 15:06:22

Oh you poor, poor thing. He just sounds like a cold manipulating bastard - as you say, a sociopath. We expect people to have normal feelings, and most do, but those that don't will catch us all out. You're clearly not the only woman who he played so callously - the shame is all on him, not you.

But you can't hold on to this. Even if his rejection of you wasn't brutally crystal clear - which it is - he has treated you appallingly and clearly can't be relied upon to care about you. You could never know whether this horrible experience mightn't happen again. Being 30 with three little ones may feel like your life is over but it strikes me that you've got a lot more options than the 50 year old you will have if you somehow get back together and then he does it again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 15:08:21

" I am afraid of being alone"

I've been single for nearly 20 years and a single parent for 13 of those years. You'll just have to trust me but 'alone' is a state of mind & not the number of people you're with. Being trapped in a marriage with someone that holds you in contempt is utterly lonely and miserable. Being independent and a parent is often challenging but at least, in your small village, you can hold your head high and tell any busybody that wants to point fingers that I am the parent that stuck around

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 15:11:59

Practical matters: when you feel up to it here is a link to a useful post about the legal and financial side of divorce written by an MNer.

And you mention your DC's half-siblings. Well, if you can look at this as an upside, you're the one in charge of your little family now. You get to decide who to be in touch with. Your DC might be able to see them more, not less.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:34:18

Thank you for your positivity potteresque. I feel very vulnerable and alone now that I am pregnant. My other 3 are very close in age so could have returned to FT work next year. This pregnancy has buggered it and I have the nasty feeling it's exactly what he wanted. All csecs so no more babies after that. Feel I have maxed out all my life by putting it all on 21 and losing with one fell swoop.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:36:40

Thank you for your kindness Jan45. I really am hurting inside, it is physical. Not just the slap in the face but my peace offer shattered by his : It's not you, it's me.
I mean what can I say to that.

I also harbour the suspicion that you crisp tenner will indeed be mine, ergo. Sheesh.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:38:28

Thank you for spelling out what is at the back of my mind, MadBusLady. This is what I fear will almost certainly happen. I just cannot believe he has found a way to shut the door in my face with so much nastiness, then tell me how hot I am and how he wants wild sex with me.

This man is clearly u stable, no?

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:40:30

Thank you for the supportive words cogito. I know what you mean, he is often away on business so I am alone with 3 anyway and our household is like a well-oiled machine with lots of clutter and toys and dust bunnies.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:41:07

Thank you MadBusLady, reading your link.

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:41:45

Quickly popping out to pick up eldest from a playdate but back in an hour.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 15:50:19

You sound like a terrific person OP. Far too good for the man you're describing. To tell you on the one had he's never loved you, and on the other that you're hot and he wants wild sex, I really wouldn't waste thinking time trying to psychoanalyse what that means beyond that he's trying to mess with your mind.

Do talk to someone close. I know how difficult it is in these early days wondering whether you should tell someone what he's been doing or whether you should keep quiet in case there's a reconciliation. But you've done nothing to be ashamed of, whatever hypnotic hold he had over you is vanishing rapidly and sharing this problem will make it much more 'real'.

Lweji Thu 04-Jul-13 15:57:54

Accept that he doesn't want you anymore.

So sorry. sad

For all that he's saying, he could be hoping that you still crawl after him, so that he's absolved of his responsibility on the cheating.

You deserve a lot better than this.

(and the children too)

IhearyoubutIcantfeelit Thu 04-Jul-13 17:36:08

Thank you Cogito. I have always loved having kids and I am not worrying about my love prospects after this desaster. However I have already noticed that couples we are friendly with never invite me round for BBQs etc alone with the kids, only when he attends, too. Neither do they accept invites when I say H isn't going to make it. Not sure how to deal with it.

Having said that, I am most happy with a good book and by no means a party animal, still, I dread the social pariah status I will no doubt incur.

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