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Accidentally stumbled across photos of dp and his old 'real' family :-(

(63 Posts)
AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 16:55:52

Looking for photos he'd uploaded for me on his computer I stumbled into the wrong folder and hundreds of photos came up of his old married life. Holidays, birthdays, festivals, days out, playing around the house, relaxing in the garden, hugging their kids, they looked so happy together. 18 years of love, hugs, memories, kisses, laughter ... Photos of dp and his ex hugging and kissing, laying together in a field, wrestling in a tent with the kids joining in, matching wedding rings... Fuck I feel so deflated. What we have will never match that. We can't have kids and he doesn't think he'll evr want to remarry. We have photos together but he never looks "that" happy in them , more like smile for the camera rather than smile because of how happy you are. I know photos can be deceiving and he always says about how unhappy his marriage was but when you see the pics you can't help but feel 2nd best to the life he really wanted. I actually feel sorry for her too, she looked so happy and it must have took the strength of Goliath to finish what they had. (She filed for divorce).
I think secretly he still pines for this life, he always goes on about how much he misses his kids and being with them all the time, he always says he misses having a tidy well structured house (she was very house proud and I'm not), he goes on about how he's not used to having kids that misbehave so much) she was obviously better at parenting than me - god I just feel like the booby prize right now :-( and why has he kept the photos on his pc anyway??? The kids I can understand but pics of him and his ex wife snogging on the sofa etc?? Feel sick :-(

Portofino Fri 05-Jul-13 14:15:48

You keep starting threads about this tit and just plainly ignore all the advice. Why bother?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 05-Jul-13 14:12:17

Oh & don't forget, Snazzy wrote above:

"The more I think about this, the more he sounds like someone who never had a clue that he wasn't giving much to the other person in the couple..., and his wife eventually got tired of having to always be tidier, organiser, disciplinarian and provider of suitable entertainments. So she divorced him and how he is bleating about not understanding and missing his old life. He may well do, but presumably it was far from great for her, as I don't believe many if any women jump into divorce lightly, over the top being left off the toothpaste two nights running or whatever. So I think given your own experience, there are some red flags here over his capabilities as a partner."

before you told us that she filed for divorce as soon as he said he wouldn't go to Relate. Do you think she just "suddenly" decided this on a whim? Why do you think she asked him to go to Relate the first place?

Please OP, let this guy go. He is so not worth your time! xxx

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 05-Jul-13 14:06:20

I think his first wife had the measure of him, love. Don't you wait 18 years to realise xxx

mathanxiety Fri 05-Jul-13 02:25:56

You are in a relationship that makes you unhappy and that is going nowhere.

Hopefully you will wake up sooner rather than later, give yourself a good sharp smack on the face and come to your senses - or he will meet Ms Almost Right whom he can 'work on' until they are both old and grey. Whoever ends up being Mrs Number Two is going to have her hands full. You may well be someone handy to keep things turning over on the home front - Miss Rebound - until he feels confident enough to find a permanent replacement for Number One. If you are Miss Rebound, count yourself lucky.

But he doesn't want what you want here, or at least he doesn't want it with you, and to be blunt, be very careful what you wish for with this man.

GoshAnneGorilla Fri 05-Jul-13 01:33:05

OP - you are getting extremely good advice here, I am not sure what you are getting out this relationship at all.

Bogeyface Thu 04-Jul-13 23:59:40

Was your last long term relationship abusive?

I only ask because I swapped a very abusive man for a not-quite-so abusive man many years ago. Just because he isnt as bad as the ex doesnt mean that he isnt still abusive.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 04-Jul-13 22:29:07

Its staring you in the face OP - this guy is a cunt. Tbh, you both sound like you'd rather be with somebody - anybody, even if it is blatantly the wrong person - rather than be single. Truly depressing stuff.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 04-Jul-13 20:32:24

"she never contributed financially, refused to get a job, never went out the house, never had hobbies or did anything that he didn't need to organise for her."

But on the other hand he misses the wonderfully tidy house and the well behaved kids? So she was supposed to be superwoman at home and also go out and earn well too? Hmm.

On the points you make about him:

He always encourages me to see friends and go out when I want to

Erm, I would hope so. You have been together for 18 months. Even if you had been married for 20 years, that doesn't give him the say so over where you go and who with, beyond the expected courtesy of checking that you haven't double-booked things.

If I want to buy something he doesn't question it

See above. Why should he question it? I don't know what your financial arrangements are and what you own together, but even as a long-established couple I don't see why he should be 'questioning' what you buy, as if you have to report to him.

And he is affectionate most of the time - now and again I get snippets of a man who could quite easily go cold and shut down with little warning but it doesn't last long

Hmm. You've said yourself that you mostly try to stay happy and look like you're enjoying things. My guess is that if that waned, the 'affectionate most of the time' might also change.

Sorry to sound like the voice of doom. It gives me no pleasure. But I really think you are settling for a kind of minimum wage situation here, where the stuff he does is actually what anyone should expect in a relationship. There is a lot more going on that seems to make you actively anxious and even unhappy.

Lweji Thu 04-Jul-13 19:52:32

Listen to him.
Listen to his ex.
Listen to these posters.

And listen to your gut feelings.

MammaTJ Thu 04-Jul-13 18:50:31

I'm willing to bet she doesn't wear shorts any more. grin

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 04-Jul-13 17:39:41

Op if I was you I would seriously be questioning why I wanted this relationship?

HighBrows Thu 04-Jul-13 17:30:37

AnnieMonkee what are you getting from this relationship other than being in a relationship?!

You need to open your eyes, your partner is being controlling and manipulative. I'd rather be on my own then with a man that constantly has me walking on egg shells, putting me and my kids down and being so passive aggressive.

Open you eyes. He is not treating you well at all.

Bogeyface Thu 04-Jul-13 17:25:30

And I would say this wife had it right. He rubbished her request to go to Relate and then didnt believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He didnt give a fat shiny shite about her and her feelings did he?

She may have divorced him, but it seems to me that it was his behaviour that ended the marriage.

I hope you learn from her and dont go there too.

Bogeyface Thu 04-Jul-13 17:24:08

Compare this

I've not seen any evidence of him being controlling, jealous or possessive

to this

* But I felt in constant competition with his ex, almost as if I knew if I didn't pretend to love every minute of it, he'd start pining after her again :-(*

and this

I'm always feeling in competition with the ex, running around trying to keep the house spotless etc and in hindsight he's always going on at me to wear shorts

and this

he always goes on about how much he misses his kids and being with them all the time, he always says he misses having a tidy well structured house (she was very house proud and I'm not), he goes on about how he's not used to having kids that misbehave so much

and then say that you have seen no evidence of his controlling and manipulative nature.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 04-Jul-13 17:17:40

How can you possibly say he's not controlling?!

AnnieMonkee Thu 04-Jul-13 17:13:26

According to the divorce papers she divorced him because he was controlling, jealous and never showed any affection or consideration for her feelings. DP told me himself that she'd asked him to go to marriage counselling with her and he rubbished the idea - the next day she told him she was divorcing him. He rubbished that too assuming she was just "spouting off" and a couple of weeks later she left him. Only then did he think "hang on, maybe she means it ... "

We do have a good relationship - I've not seen any evidence of him being controlling, jealous or possessive. He always encourages me to see friends and go out when I want to. If I want to buy something he doesn't question it. And he is affectionate most of the time - now and again I get snippets of a man who could quite easily go cold and shut down with little warning but it doesn't last long.

I'm feeling better today though. I went out and bought myself some new clothes (stuff I like, not shorts ;-) ) and I've started jogging with friends. I'm also preparing for a job interview which I'm hoping will give me more independance (financially and mentally). One thing he always whinges about his ex was "she never contributed financially, refused to get a job, never went out the house, never had hobbies or did anything that he didn't need to organise for her."

Oh well, I'm different to her after all and I'm bloody thankful for that.

EldritchCleavage Thu 04-Jul-13 16:35:23

Snazzy and Bogeyface* are right.

You do know he was almost certainly EA with the first wife as well, don't you? I wonder what she was made to feel bad about, what she was nagged to wear. I wonder, did he pitch in with the children and the house or did she run herself ragged doing it all? Or not do it either and he's just lying about it?

You just don't know. The photos only tell you that there were good times in his first marriage, not how frequent they were, nor how bad the bad times were.

He sounds like someone who cannot create good things and good times for himself, but needs someone else to do it. He also sounds like a person who is not very 'giving' in his intimate relationships. Think carefully about whether to settle for that.

CalamityKate Thu 04-Jul-13 14:58:15

What Bogeyface said.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 04-Jul-13 14:53:54

If he was right for you, you wouldn't feel like second best.

Monty27 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:03:30

Well said Bogey

He's not making you happy OP. He sounds like an EA.

Bogeyface Thu 04-Jul-13 13:56:45

So.....

You go to places you dont want to go
Have to plaster on a smile regardless in case he starts going on about his ex again
Criticises your home
Criticses your children
Criticises what you wear
Puts pressure on you to behave in a certain way in order to avoid his moods.

Not only is the man a total arsehole, he is using his ex to control and manipulate you.

You are miserable and on eggshells all the time because he (not the photos) makes you feel that you will never measure up to his perfect old life. A life so perfect that his wife divorced him.

What exactly are you getting from this?

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 04-Jul-13 13:54:28

The more I think about this, the more he sounds like someone who never had a clue that he wasn't giving much to the other person in the couple, and his wife eventually got tired of having to always be tidier, organiser, disciplinarian and provider of suitable entertainments. So she divorced him and how he is bleating about not understanding and missing his old life. He may well do, but presumably it was far from great for her, as I don't believe many if any women jump into divorce lightly, over the top being left off the toothpaste two nights running or whatever. So I think given your own experience, there are some red flags here over his capabilities as a partner.

What made you two get together? What nice things does he do for you? What has he ever said about the reasons behind their breakup?

SerBrienne Thu 04-Jul-13 13:48:16

His kids with ex might value those pictures very highly (especially those of parents looking happy together). Perhaps he's keeping them to pass on.

fuzzpig Thu 04-Jul-13 13:34:57

I am hmm that he is complaining about the lack of tidy house, does he see that as entirely the responsibility of you/his ex/women in general, by any chance?

(just a thought, I may be out of line but just going on a lot of other threads)

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 04-Jul-13 13:23:55

He doesn't sound like he is making you happy. All this doesn't mean it's you who is in the wrong/inadequate you know. I would be inclined to tell him that it doesn't seem to be making either of you happy and you need to separate. See what he says to that. He might be a happy moaner IYSWIM who will then say 'no, no, it's good...' though of course that still doesn't mean you have to stay together. But whatever you do don't just go on thinking it's all your fault for not being good enough. I really doubt that.

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