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Help Me overcome Hatred

(57 Posts)
buthow Wed 03-Jul-13 15:02:29

Hello Everyone

im sorry if this is long and please no offence

Ever since I was left by my BD I hate men so much I feel they are all the same. Every time someone stops me or asks for my number I feel disgust. My friend and I had a terrible argument the other time when I was telling her not to trust her bf because they are all the same. i was pissed at the fact that she saw what happened to me but continued to have unprotected sex with her bf i thought somehow she would learn from my mistake. i know it was wrong and I know there are some good guys out there but I feel most of the population of men are selfish and evil. they leave women suffering with kids abandon pregnancies and move on with no guilt just deny and walk away. the few good men out there are clouded by the bad men . if there is someone married trace their life its eighther he is cheating or abusive. truly I have hatred in me I hate the man who made me have an abortion once and now I hate the man who got me pregnant and left I wish I could only hate these two men but its growing to all the men I see users liars cheaters. I have to change I know but right now I feel forgiveness is so far from me

How do I cope?How do I stop hating every other men and jus focus on hating the bustard who left me. no offence to men please and all the ladies who are happy with good men out there I jus wish I could change the way I look at men but if they are not benefiting something they will be cruel. There is one time some gal was stranded with transport and got a lift from a man way older than her easy enough to trust but when he picked her he wanted her to pay for the ride through sex. I mean really couldn't he just help her with transport and not ask for sex. I feel like there is no men who can help a woman out of the kindness of his heart if he is doing something somehow its benefitting him. am I damaged

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 23:32:48

Ebullient, just mothers is it that are responsible for the upbringing of their children ?

How about educating young men not to rape?

Could that work, or is it not their fault ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:26:36

"help needs to be given to young girls who are to become mothers to have a better chance of bringing up society-beneficial children."

And now it's women's fault that men are sexually violent offenders?.... I think you should stop digging that hole now.

Lweji Sun 07-Jul-13 22:24:12

Do you hate this man or that nothing got done and he hasn't been punished?

In truth, I don't hate exH, although he has been very nasty to me.
I just want him to leave me alone.

Your wish that this man is punished is well justified, meaning that it stems from a sense of justice, not hate as such.

I really urge you to report him. I think it may give you some peace, even if he gets away.
It may help prevent him from raping other women.

And I'd think very carefully about staying in a congregation that protects men such as these.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 22:21:55

PoundlandClareRayner,

I understand what you're saying.

"Excusing, minimising and extending "understanding" seeks only to damage further generations" - understanding is the key if we seek relief from hatred. This was the initial request, wasn't it?

Understanding is not the same as putting up with destructive behaviour and consequences for the society of those incapable to take 'personal responsibility'. To attempt to resolve it, a lot of help needs to be given to young girls who are to become mothers to have a better chance of bringing up society-beneficial children. Many other things are necessary such as functioning court system, access to education and jobs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:05:15

Rapists are violent sexual criminals that target women and that's all the understanding these evil bastards deserve. I don't give a flying fart whether they've had a tough childhood and they're weak-willed .... they should be off the streets and behind bars where they can't harm women ever again. This one uses his 'godly' image to lure in women and assault them. Bet it's not the first time...

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 22:02:13

Ebullient, I am struggling to understand why you posted that on this thread

In order to demonstrate our "understanding" of what makes a man become abusive, we have to make excuses for it, to find a way to live with it, to "get past" it and heal that hurt little boy ?

You realise you are describing a damaging co-dependent relationship, don't you ?

Anybody that is damaged by their upbringing has a personal responsibility to not perpetuate the cycle. Another person cannot "save" you from it. You have to save yourself. Excusing, minimising and extending "understanding" seeks only to damage further generations.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 21:53:06

I guess all I was saying was it's easy to judge and label. To understand is hard. But if you try and succeed, this will be your cure. Understanding is part of forgiveness; forgiveness brings peace and clears away hatred.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 21:43:25

Interestingly, no one has yet suggested to look beyond the surface when considering those 'ugly' and 'horrible' men you talk about. And sll those 'atrocities' they do.

Have you ever considered that all these men are a product of their environment and upbringing? Have you ever thought of their misery as children, affects of the dysfunctional families so many of them come from? Have you thought of a relationship that boy who you will become a villain, had with his mother? Was she caring of him? Was she loving? Was she supporting him to be the best he can be. Chances are very high she wasn't. A child is born into this world pure and innocent. His environment, and first of all his parents, carers and siblings shape him the way he will later be. Then school, failure or success and undoubtedly, genetic predisposition.

Now tell me, if you were coming from such a dysfunctional home and environment with genetic predisposition towards violence, smoking, drinking, dependency of any sort (these are all genetically predisposed conditions), where you saw lots of domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, poor treatment of women, etc will you become a kind, loving, successful and wonderful in all respects man? You wouldn't.

So here's the answer: for a man to override the traumas, abuse and just unkind treatment he's subjected to as a child, and the pull genetic predisposition exerts on him, he must have pretty damn strong character and will. Not all men posses this. To change yourself is the hardest thing of all.

We've all been damped by our bfs once or twice, but a healthy response to damping is different from yours. Maybe you should investigate the reasons for that response and try to change yourself.
Then you will know first hand how easy it is.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 21:14:26

Your pastor sounds like he indulges in a bit of sex offending himself

Please speak to some real professionals that don't have an agenda

This man sexually assaulted you. No wonder you hate him...I hate him too.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 17:40:23

You are a brave and courageous woman. Do give rape crisis a ring I'm sure they will be able to give you both support and sound advice.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 17:30:39

Yes, the church should be able to let the police know his contact details.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:22:35

So I dnt know his new address I will lead them to the church coz that's were he I'd found right?

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:21:30

Thankyou I saw the rape lines you gave me I will advice you on how it went as soon as I get legal advice yoh.... Sometimes you only realise that something nasty happened to you when you speak I have never told anyone else how the sex event went by only the pastor when he asked if my hands were tied

Thankyou somuch

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 16:32:53

And please find a new church, your pastors attitude is quite frankly disgraceful. Is your church part of an established group of church's, because if it is you could also report your pastors attitude to a higher authority. And yes what happened to you is rape, you did not consent to unprotected sex but this man forced you. I am so sorry you are going through this, please be kind to yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:35:11

0808 802 9999

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:37

You weren't a willing party to sex with this man, you said no very clearly, and he continued against your will. That alone is rape. In addition, he physically assaulted you making it a violent rape. In addition, he had unprotected sex with you against your will putting you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases as well as impregnating you. It's a very serious crime indeed and of course OP you can report it to the police now. It's not too late. It's never too late

If your pastor thinks it was your fault the only way a woman can be raped is if her hands are tied he is as bad as your rapist. No means no and I'm appalled that you've been given such horrendously bad counsel. He should hang his head in shame.

I posted a link to the Rape Crisis line earlier. Please give them a call, describe what happened to you and let them give you proper advice. It is so important that it goes on record that this man is a violent sexual offender and that he is properly investigated. I'm sorry this happened to you. I truly am.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:35

Yes, you can still go to the police. And yes, that was rape, hands tied or not. That pastor is foul. angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:13:00

I also think that, if the police were to lead this man away in handcuffs, the OP would feel far more confident when it comes to other abusive men that there were some consequences to their behaviour. When you feel that you are alone with your anger, no-one's taking your pain seriously and all you see around you are other women being similarly attacked and abused... with no-one brought to justice or punished.... no wonder you are consumed by hate. It's the last refuge of the powerless.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 15:12:34

RAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying open your legs stop tightening me I wnt get you pregnant I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked and he said did he tie your hands and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tiedRAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying 'open your legs stop tightening me, I wnt get you pregnant' I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open yo legs and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked him and pastor said 'did he tie your hands' and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tied and this is your body so I thought maybe I wasn't firm enough. I never thought I could have a case against rape... He actually forced me to have sex with no condom thus rape right.. Lord Lord...but isn't it too late??

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:14:03

Perhaps reporting the attack to the police might help you to feel less hatred towards this excuse of a man.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:12:37

OP, this man has raped you. No wonder you are full of rage. If your pastor will not take what has happened to you seriously, then I really think you should try and find a more supportive church.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:58:02

But you agree that she should seek justice and get this man investigated by the police? And that she should urgently seek proper counselling... not some chat with a clueless pastor... for the aftershocks of violent trauma?

JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:55:24

fair enough Cogito
the spiritual aspects of forgiveness are a different thing from the need for justice
op should have both, but she can be free of some of the pain by forgiving whether she gets justice or not

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:33:58

How can there be forgiveness when there is no justice? The OP has been brutally raped, made pregnant, told she is a whore, let down by her pastor and her rapist, rather than being led away in hand-cuffs, is trilling away every Sunday pretending butter wouldn't melt in his evil mouth. Rather than berating herself for hating all men or thinking she has to forgive she should seek justice. Personally I wouldn't blame her if she took this man down with a deer rifle...

JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:27:41

forgiveness is for you, not the one you forgive
you don't have to feel it, you just have to do it
you will get the strength and peace that goes with forgiving
reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same; you don't need to like or understand the person
you are forgiving FOR YOURSELF, not for them
<3

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