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Help Me overcome Hatred

(57 Posts)
buthow Wed 03-Jul-13 15:02:29

Hello Everyone

im sorry if this is long and please no offence

Ever since I was left by my BD I hate men so much I feel they are all the same. Every time someone stops me or asks for my number I feel disgust. My friend and I had a terrible argument the other time when I was telling her not to trust her bf because they are all the same. i was pissed at the fact that she saw what happened to me but continued to have unprotected sex with her bf i thought somehow she would learn from my mistake. i know it was wrong and I know there are some good guys out there but I feel most of the population of men are selfish and evil. they leave women suffering with kids abandon pregnancies and move on with no guilt just deny and walk away. the few good men out there are clouded by the bad men . if there is someone married trace their life its eighther he is cheating or abusive. truly I have hatred in me I hate the man who made me have an abortion once and now I hate the man who got me pregnant and left I wish I could only hate these two men but its growing to all the men I see users liars cheaters. I have to change I know but right now I feel forgiveness is so far from me

How do I cope?How do I stop hating every other men and jus focus on hating the bustard who left me. no offence to men please and all the ladies who are happy with good men out there I jus wish I could change the way I look at men but if they are not benefiting something they will be cruel. There is one time some gal was stranded with transport and got a lift from a man way older than her easy enough to trust but when he picked her he wanted her to pay for the ride through sex. I mean really couldn't he just help her with transport and not ask for sex. I feel like there is no men who can help a woman out of the kindness of his heart if he is doing something somehow its benefitting him. am I damaged

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 07:49:33

CogitoErgoSometimes you saying its ok to get angry and hate, u are right God got angry and destroyed a lot of people but I don't know if he hated them that's why he destroyed them?

There is a difference between anger and
hatred right? I feel I'm more hateful than angry. I think anger is allowed in church coz even Jesus got angry at the gamblers in the temple but hatred not so sure

springytata try a send me some scriptures in psalms but u r right let me post on religion and understand more about hatred and anger.

CogitoErgoSometimes and springytata both you guys have valid points one cnt argue with them so u dnt have to throw the balls let me go to religion will tell you what they say. But thank you and Cogito u have been there all the way really appreciate hey

Lweji Sun 07-Jul-13 08:53:34

Why do you hate him this much?
Because he got you pregnant and then left?
Or was there something else?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 09:03:13

Never wishing to second-guess the motivation of a deity, I don't think the god of the Old Testament floods, fires and pestilence as an expression of love, do you? Rather than trying to work out what the church 'allows' (just another form of control) it might help you to think about the way you are feeling and how you could turn that into something constructive.

For example, you could use your experience to decide to help other female victims of male abuse. There are many women who have received brutal treatment at the hands of men and you could find that helping others channels your own feelings of anger in a positive way.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:47:03

Lweji will I be wrong if I hate him for just that. It damaged me inside. Seeing him in the choir every sunday singing and worshiping the Lord as if he is a saint jus sinks ma heart. He is a lead singer and wen he starts singing OMG you say here comes a true man of God.
Anyway that's not the only thing he did. I was dating him yes and we stayed for about 3weeks before having sex and when we finally did on that first day he slipped in without a condom so I kept trying to push him off sayin put on a condom and he wouldn't stop and began beating me(my legs slapping them really hard telling me to open them) I began crying then suddenly he stopped I thought he stopped coz he cared I was crying little did I know he had already released my vagina was normally wet I ddnt feel sperms . I left his house very angry and we never communicated till I discovered I was preg, wen I told him he said I was as good as a prostitude to him coz he gave me some mny (but long before we had sex) and that the mny he gave me was paying for my services. He said he couldn't have gotten me pregnant in one night, and that the child wasn't his. He sent me many nasty messages then He blocked me on his fon, moved to a different place jus like tht,
I only see him in church if I go I told our pastor about the issue but so far nothing has been done. I just wanted him to give me the benefit of the doubt. I hate him you might think its minor it happens to a lot of women but I just hate him. And I asked him to use protection that hurts more I trusted him. Maybe its because the pain is still fresh, I dnt know, I cnt abort again, its too painful, I really thought a man of God would be different but I gues I was wrong. I truly hate him with disgust.

Corigo I was actually thinking about that I want to talk about it and warn young girls who think they are inlove and hear the views of bruised women but a friend said if I do that I will be making young gals grow up not trusting men and somehow making them hate them and that could make them loose good men I jus don't know

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:00:54

You were raped OP. Good singers (because that's all he is) can be criminals. When are you going to report him to the police?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:06:13

BTW... if your pastor is aware that you were raped did he/she suggest you go to the police? If not, they would be irresponsible. Many rape survivors feel intense rage at the injustice of what happened to them and quite rightly so. It's an appalling crime. Many survivors also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is deeply unpleasant and ruins lives but which can be successfully helped with expert counselling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:10:12
JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:27:41

forgiveness is for you, not the one you forgive
you don't have to feel it, you just have to do it
you will get the strength and peace that goes with forgiving
reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same; you don't need to like or understand the person
you are forgiving FOR YOURSELF, not for them
<3

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:33:58

How can there be forgiveness when there is no justice? The OP has been brutally raped, made pregnant, told she is a whore, let down by her pastor and her rapist, rather than being led away in hand-cuffs, is trilling away every Sunday pretending butter wouldn't melt in his evil mouth. Rather than berating herself for hating all men or thinking she has to forgive she should seek justice. Personally I wouldn't blame her if she took this man down with a deer rifle...

JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:55:24

fair enough Cogito
the spiritual aspects of forgiveness are a different thing from the need for justice
op should have both, but she can be free of some of the pain by forgiving whether she gets justice or not

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:58:02

But you agree that she should seek justice and get this man investigated by the police? And that she should urgently seek proper counselling... not some chat with a clueless pastor... for the aftershocks of violent trauma?

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:12:37

OP, this man has raped you. No wonder you are full of rage. If your pastor will not take what has happened to you seriously, then I really think you should try and find a more supportive church.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:14:03

Perhaps reporting the attack to the police might help you to feel less hatred towards this excuse of a man.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 15:12:34

RAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying open your legs stop tightening me I wnt get you pregnant I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked and he said did he tie your hands and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tiedRAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying 'open your legs stop tightening me, I wnt get you pregnant' I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open yo legs and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked him and pastor said 'did he tie your hands' and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tied and this is your body so I thought maybe I wasn't firm enough. I never thought I could have a case against rape... He actually forced me to have sex with no condom thus rape right.. Lord Lord...but isn't it too late??

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:13:00

I also think that, if the police were to lead this man away in handcuffs, the OP would feel far more confident when it comes to other abusive men that there were some consequences to their behaviour. When you feel that you are alone with your anger, no-one's taking your pain seriously and all you see around you are other women being similarly attacked and abused... with no-one brought to justice or punished.... no wonder you are consumed by hate. It's the last refuge of the powerless.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:35

Yes, you can still go to the police. And yes, that was rape, hands tied or not. That pastor is foul. angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:37

You weren't a willing party to sex with this man, you said no very clearly, and he continued against your will. That alone is rape. In addition, he physically assaulted you making it a violent rape. In addition, he had unprotected sex with you against your will putting you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases as well as impregnating you. It's a very serious crime indeed and of course OP you can report it to the police now. It's not too late. It's never too late

If your pastor thinks it was your fault the only way a woman can be raped is if her hands are tied he is as bad as your rapist. No means no and I'm appalled that you've been given such horrendously bad counsel. He should hang his head in shame.

I posted a link to the Rape Crisis line earlier. Please give them a call, describe what happened to you and let them give you proper advice. It is so important that it goes on record that this man is a violent sexual offender and that he is properly investigated. I'm sorry this happened to you. I truly am.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:35:11

0808 802 9999

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 16:32:53

And please find a new church, your pastors attitude is quite frankly disgraceful. Is your church part of an established group of church's, because if it is you could also report your pastors attitude to a higher authority. And yes what happened to you is rape, you did not consent to unprotected sex but this man forced you. I am so sorry you are going through this, please be kind to yourself.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:21:30

Thankyou I saw the rape lines you gave me I will advice you on how it went as soon as I get legal advice yoh.... Sometimes you only realise that something nasty happened to you when you speak I have never told anyone else how the sex event went by only the pastor when he asked if my hands were tied

Thankyou somuch

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:22:35

So I dnt know his new address I will lead them to the church coz that's were he I'd found right?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 17:30:39

Yes, the church should be able to let the police know his contact details.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 17:40:23

You are a brave and courageous woman. Do give rape crisis a ring I'm sure they will be able to give you both support and sound advice.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 21:14:26

Your pastor sounds like he indulges in a bit of sex offending himself

Please speak to some real professionals that don't have an agenda

This man sexually assaulted you. No wonder you hate him...I hate him too.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 21:43:25

Interestingly, no one has yet suggested to look beyond the surface when considering those 'ugly' and 'horrible' men you talk about. And sll those 'atrocities' they do.

Have you ever considered that all these men are a product of their environment and upbringing? Have you ever thought of their misery as children, affects of the dysfunctional families so many of them come from? Have you thought of a relationship that boy who you will become a villain, had with his mother? Was she caring of him? Was she loving? Was she supporting him to be the best he can be. Chances are very high she wasn't. A child is born into this world pure and innocent. His environment, and first of all his parents, carers and siblings shape him the way he will later be. Then school, failure or success and undoubtedly, genetic predisposition.

Now tell me, if you were coming from such a dysfunctional home and environment with genetic predisposition towards violence, smoking, drinking, dependency of any sort (these are all genetically predisposed conditions), where you saw lots of domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, poor treatment of women, etc will you become a kind, loving, successful and wonderful in all respects man? You wouldn't.

So here's the answer: for a man to override the traumas, abuse and just unkind treatment he's subjected to as a child, and the pull genetic predisposition exerts on him, he must have pretty damn strong character and will. Not all men posses this. To change yourself is the hardest thing of all.

We've all been damped by our bfs once or twice, but a healthy response to damping is different from yours. Maybe you should investigate the reasons for that response and try to change yourself.
Then you will know first hand how easy it is.

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