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Advise please - is this an abusive relationship?

(22 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Jul-13 16:02:34

Everyone wears their 'date face' for the first few weeks/months of a relationship and they're on best behaviour. Alcohol tends to remove inhibitions and lets people be exaggerated versions of their real selves.... it doesn't turn a nice guy into a nasty one. For a disagreement to take things from 'idyllic' to verbal and physical aggression at the hands of a drunken bully in such a short space of time is positively frightening.

Kick this one to the kerb. That his ex doesn't hate him means nothing whatsoever....

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:57:03

Thanks Bloomingrose - thats good to know from someone who has been through it all. I dont feel ive experienced the emotional abuse side, but this one instance has messed it all up for us and i know we cant come back from it.

BloomingRose Wed 03-Jul-13 15:44:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 03-Jul-13 15:38:34

Hitting him would certainly prevent things from going back to how they were before.

If he posted on here and reversed the genders everyone would be telling him to call the police and then leave you.

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:37:33

No, ive never slapped anyone at all. Just disgusted at myself as im normally so calm. It was just a very toxic situation which has really shocked me. Everything is just messed up now.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 03-Jul-13 15:32:09

Alcohol is not an excuse for abusive behaviour and it doesn't make someone behave in a violent way - people aren't violent unless they have it in them to begin with (excluding self defence sort of things)

Honestly it's not worth it. Sounds like the sex and smiles part was a front and this is the real him coming out - very normal with abusive people because obviously you wouldn't date them if you saw their "real" side straight away!

You shouldn't have slapped him but he still sounds out of order and the relationship sounds unhealthy.

Have you ever slapped anyone before by the way? You don't have to answer that of course but I'm just curious - I don't think it would occur to me to slap someone so wondered if it was a one off or more of a reflex.

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:22:29

I slapped him because, i feel, i just wanted him to stop being so nasty and also for the fact that i felt he had ruined everything between us by being like this and that we could never go back to how it was before - all young and innocent and happy.

AgathaF Wed 03-Jul-13 15:15:32

this is just this completely different side i saw - yes, lots of people who are in abusive relationships say stuff like this.

I hope you will get out of this now, not wait for it to happen again. You might also want to consider why you hit him. It doesn't excuse what he did, but you shouldn't have hit him either.

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:12:24

Ive never hit anyone in my life and was shocked at my own actions. It was awful. However we have never had anything like that before, and have had disagreements/normal squabbles, but nothing like this.

Im not trying to make excuses but i believe its the alcohol playing a part on his side as he was a completely different personality. However i think after reading all these, i dont think ill ever be able to move on in the same relationship.

ThingummyBob Wed 03-Jul-13 15:08:40

You slapped him, he retaliated. You sound as bad as each other to me tbh.

He was behaving like an arsehole, yes. You could, and should, have removed yourself from the situation without adding further fuel to the fire.

This relationship sounds unhealthy. For me, being able to disagree and argue without vitriol, violence and downright nastiness is part of a healthy relationship.

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 15:04:48

Thanks all, i appreciate the second opinion. It was all such a shock to me but i realise i cant risk it happening again.

No trust - no relationship.

He should not get any second chances. The first twelve months of a relationship are supposed to be the happiest; you've already been shoved onto the ground by him.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You could well now end up awaiting his next outburst (and that will happen in time) if you do not leave.

Walk away from this now before you get further sucked in.

So he spent most of the weekend drinking and arguing? Winding you up about your ex?

What was the BIG argument about?

I bet you will watch your tongue well now, and try not to argue, as you will be frightened he will hurt you again, maybe punch you in the face next time!

If so, this is the start of intimidation. The start of you walking on eggshells around him, to ensure he does not kick off....

MorrisZapp Wed 03-Jul-13 15:02:51

This relationship has no future, sorry. I think you should end it, and mean it.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 03-Jul-13 15:00:18

Yes, if you're hitting him then I would say it's abusive.

TheWysticManker Wed 03-Jul-13 15:00:09

I have NEVER had a 'genuine argument' with my current partner that has involved anyone being pushed on to the floor.

A genuine argument does not involve physical aggression. It should not involve verbal aggression either in an ideal world. All this 'provoking' 'slapping' and 'pushing' has NO place in a respectful loving relationship between adults.

And your thinking is fucked up if you think it does

He is relaxing, he is beginning to show you who he is. And when a person shows you who he is, you are wise to pay attention....

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 14:57:42

The thing is, it has always been smiles/sex and happiness - this is just this completely different side i saw. His view is he has never been like that before, always good to me, and that he was drunk, hated himself and that i should give him a chance to prove this and gain my trust again.

AgathaF Wed 03-Jul-13 14:56:55

If this is what happens six months in, I shudder to think how it might be six years in. Get rid.

Euclase Wed 03-Jul-13 14:53:49

What BloomingRose said. He's a pig.

BloomingRose Wed 03-Jul-13 14:52:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elvira1 Wed 03-Jul-13 14:46:39

Hi, first time poster here. I met my partner 6 months ago and everything has been idyllic. We had a big argument over the weekend which meant that i felt like things were over and done with. He kept begging for me back but when we got home and he must have had a few drinks alone and got drunk and was really rude to me. The following day he was hungover and when i said things werent working, he got more aggressive/shouting at me, saying f***ing this and that and that he wouldnt leave the house unless i made him. Then he drunk more during the day and when i went upstairs, we had a shouting match, i slapped him and he provoked me by talking about my ex who he has always been jealous of, i said he was always going to be alone, and he reacted by pushing me aside and i fell on the floor.

In the evening, he had sobered up and was completely apologetic about it all and begging for me back however i just couldnt put out of my mind how angry he had been.

In my heart, i do feel like its a one off as he has never shown me signs of this. His children from a previous relationship adore him, and his ex doesnt seem to hate him. He has hardly drunk with me at all so ive never seen him drunk. Normally he is just a bit tipsy happy. However i just cant get over how hard he looked when he was angry, it was frightening to see as im such a sensitive person and im 'lucky' enough to have never had an experience like this in the past.

I keep reading about abusive relationships and they all say this is how it starts but when is something just a one off/genuine argument and when is it something more?

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