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Toxic mother at wedding...

(22 Posts)
cozietoesie Wed 03-Jul-13 16:56:47

Glad you got it all sorted, grumpy. That must be a weight off your mind.

Winterwood Wed 03-Jul-13 16:49:00

I like the suggestion of being at the actual wedding and not attending the reception.

grumpyinthemorning Wed 03-Jul-13 16:35:10

Update - I've spoken to my cousin (directly and and alone, he understands how bad my mum can get) and told him I wouldn't be there, but we'll go out for lunch after their honeymoon. He's fine with that, so it's all sorted.

GingerJulep, being seated at a different table would not stop her. And she's very difficult to ignore (think screaming banshee/throwing things). Unfortunately taking my partner is not an option, that would be worse than going alone, she hates him.

GingerJulep Wed 03-Jul-13 12:00:07

Go. Request to be seated at a different table. Ignore comments from/behaviour of mother.

And make sure you have a 'body guard' (do you have a partner? can you take a date/meet a friend there and pal-up?) to allow you to 'just pop to the loo/bar/whatever' if she comes over during any mingly bits of the day.

You're right. The day is about them and not your relationship with your mum.

Just ignore it for the day.

I have a mother like this too, op, and I have swerved all family christenings etc as she makes EVERY event about her and always behaves appallingly and ruins them. For this reason she was not invited to my own wedding, and I heard that she was bloody furious, but luckily didn't have to deal with her fury as we are pretty much no contact and have been for years.

If you'd rather give it a miss, then do. But if you want to go, perhaps you should accept the invitation, but then if when she starts, just leave and don't be drawn into anything with her.

You have my sympathies for this hideous situation thanks

BerylStreep Wed 03-Jul-13 09:48:34

Waffly grin

TheRealFellatio Wed 03-Jul-13 05:47:02

Don't go. If you cannot trust her not to start a row in front of people then I don't see how you can possibly go. Write your cousin and his fiancee a short, polite note explaining why. don't say 'my mother is so toxic and awful towards me I can just guarantee she'll start screaming abuse at me and making a huge scene' - that will make you sound slightly unhinged.

Just say that you would love to be there but unfortunately under the circumstances they really have to TRUST you when you say that it is better for everyone if you don't go. Say that sadly is is not possible for you and your mother to be in the same room for long without one or other of you getting very upset, and you do not want it on your conscience that any kind of an angry or emotional confrontation will inevitably ensue and will cause embarrassment and put a dampener on their happy day.

And say that with respect, your mind is made up and you do not wish to discuss it further, and that you hope they have a wonderful day.

Aussiebean Wed 03-Jul-13 05:29:14

Give your cousin and his wife a couple of examples of what she has done in the past while in public.

Explain that their wedding is about them. It is their day and the focus is on them. Not reconciling your relationship with your mother.

Tell them if she is going you will regretfully decline the invitation but look forward to taking them out for dinner afterwards to see the photos.

WafflyVersatile Wed 03-Jul-13 01:36:32

Don't go. Doesn't sound like you can trust them to be telling the truth if they say she's not going.

Or go. They won't make that mistake again.

Viking1 Tue 02-Jul-13 19:38:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie Tue 02-Jul-13 18:32:05

.....but his wife-to-be is adamant I go.....

Oh Boy. That looks like a relationship and a third waiting for your cousin.

Don't go. I'd invite them to some sort of special evening a couple of months later when they're feeling neglected.

BerylStreep Tue 02-Jul-13 18:18:58

I would go to the service, then make your excuses. Tell the bride & groom you have other plans and will sadly not be able to make the reception.

RobotLover68 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:53:20

but his wife-to-be is adamant I go

Ummm you're an adult and can do as you please, they, can't strong arm you there and if it's to get you together then they should mind their own damn business - if it's easier say you've already got another social engagement to go to - I wouldn't go knowing I'd be abused

BarbarianMum Tue 02-Jul-13 17:53:19

What an awful position to be in.

If your mother is going could you maybe attend the service (slip in at the back), congratulate the Bride and Groom then disappear?

They need to give you a straight answer as to whether your mother is attending or not.

No you do not have to attend and you owe nothing to your cousin's wife to be either. She clearly does not understand the dynamics of toxic family relations.

grumpyinthemorning Tue 02-Jul-13 17:44:21

cozie, she probably would, but I'm the main focus of her behaviour. She's more likely to make nasty comments about me while I'm not there to defend myself.

TenToWine, I have been honest about him, but his wife-to-be is adamant I go. I have a horrible feeling that it's to get me and my mum into the same room so we can fix it, but TBH it's past the point where it can be fixed.

Still18, he does, but I don't think he realizes quite how toxic. I tended not to talk about it, so he doesn't know what I went through with her.

Honestly, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't want to upset them by missing the wedding, but I also know I can't deal with seeing my mother. Why are these things never simple?

Still18atheart Tue 02-Jul-13 17:18:38

Does your cousin know that your mother is toxic??

TenToWine Tue 02-Jul-13 17:14:36

can you be honest with your cousin and say you would love to go but for his/her sake if your mother is there it would be best if you didn't rather than risk a scene at the wedding?

cozietoesie Tue 02-Jul-13 17:11:20

If you didn't go, would she pick on someone else to provide her with her 'entertainment' ?

grumpyinthemorning Tue 02-Jul-13 17:03:49

Unfortunately, she would happily ruin the day, screaming abuse at me in front of everyone. She's worse after a few drinks. Sitting at another table wouldn't really fix it, if anything it would make it worse as she'd have the chance to spit her venom to anyone who'll listen. She's horribly manipulative and has a talent for making me out to be the bad guy, even if I walk away I'll be "disrespecting her by not listening" (I've tried just walking away before).

Crinkle77 Tue 02-Jul-13 16:45:41

In what way would she cause a scene and would she really do this at your cousins wedding? Is it possible for you to sit on another table away from her? It does not seem fair that you have to miss out because of your mother. If she does kick off then just walk away and ignore her then it will be clear to everyone that it is her that caused the problem.

grumpyinthemorning Tue 02-Jul-13 16:31:45

My cousin is getting married soon, I really want to go but my incredibly toxic mother is likely to be there. If we're both there, it's guaranteed that she'll cause a scene. And I need to RSVP before I'll know if she's going, so I don't know what to do.

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