Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating thread 58 everyone welcome

(1000 Posts)
Kirstywirsty Tue 02-Jul-13 07:46:40

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop
8. loo update is mandatory

OhWesternWind Tue 02-Jul-13 12:27:31

Oh Nora that is a load of rubbish from SquirrelNutkin. Has he suggested rearranging for the weekend after?

Wine perhaps you will see him coming out and then you can flash your lily-white wrists and he will be yours for eternity. Or something.

brokenhearted55 Tue 02-Jul-13 12:37:17

Here was I thinking it was my fault because I was too reserved in bed and wouldn't blow him. he asked me why I was so shy. umm usually am first time with a new partner.

Sighs. I started thinking he was cute over dinner and liked his smile etc. Shouldn't have gone home should have made him wait.

WEre both just out of relationships so both a bit fucked up.

brokenhearted55 Tue 02-Jul-13 12:38:00

I wouldn't mind some more of the glorious sex though ;-) It was very good.

scrazy Tue 02-Jul-13 12:49:41

Fwiw, it seems that I've been strung along for x number of years by someone who I evidently meant jack too. It was a mixture of things that kept me hooked which I won't go into and deep down I knew but didn't want those things to stop. I might be wrong about meaning nothing but need to convince myself of this to move on, I can do it as I convinced my self the opposite was true to continue.

On the up side my diary is getting full and as long as I pen stuff in for the weekends I should be OK.

OhWesternWind Tue 02-Jul-13 12:56:45

Did you meet up with him again then Scrazy? Sometimes people can be really bad for us but we still go back for more because there's good, and hope of better "one day", mixed in with all the crap.

Keeping busy is a great strategy. Have you got a date with the other bloke penned in maybe?

Hope you're doing okay. You sound strong and sorted, but it's not easy.

scrazy Tue 02-Jul-13 13:18:05

No, I don't want to meet up for a while, I'm feeling OK and just think it's best to let it go.

I've decided I'm off men for a while and don't want a relationship anyway grin.

mercury7 Tue 02-Jul-13 13:28:12

Broken, this 'he asked me why I was so shy.' makes him sound like an insensitive, ignorant arseangry

ALittleStranger Tue 02-Jul-13 13:36:42

What Mercury said, he may be fucked up having just come out a relationship, but he's also quite possibly a fucker. I would be outraged if anyone demanded something first time and most people understand there's a learning curve.

That said, as many people on this thread have said, sexual compatibility is important.

Please don't talk about making him wait. It's about you taking what you want from situations and understanding what boundaries protect you.

brokenhearted55 Tue 02-Jul-13 13:43:13

How can you tell sexual compatibility from one shag?

In every single relationship I have ever been in the sex has been not great the first few times and gets better and better with time. You cannot judge from one shag.

ALittleStranger Tue 02-Jul-13 13:51:57

No I don't think you can completely but I think you can tell massive incompatibility. There are definitely a few things someone could do or not do and I'd know it wasn't going to work. And "not working" might well include because he's a dick and has unrealistic needs and demands. So again, his loss.

ALittleStranger Tue 02-Jul-13 13:57:50

And my comment was a bit more generalist than trying to work out what happened between the two of you at the weekend. I think having needs is fine (eg very confident partner) but I also feel this is a minefield as porn has destroyed some men's perceptions. In general I think people can make a legitimate decision not to see someone again for all sorts of reasons, including the sex not floating their boat (esp if looking for FWB). The key is not to be a dick about it.

Kirstywirsty Tue 02-Jul-13 14:16:48

Omg!! I was just having a nosey on POF and spotted cougar_catcher .. I wonder if his pics are real .. I am tempted to come out of hiding and see if he is free to be scrubbed and sent to my tent on Saturday ??

(Told you I'm not doing a good job of waiting for FriendofFriend to come back!!)

Kirstywirsty Tue 02-Jul-13 14:28:26

He has changed his name and taken out the part about looking for an older woman and the confession that he is really 30 .. Shame!

Kirstywirsty Tue 02-Jul-13 14:30:33

And his location has changed from Glasgow to Dublin!!??

OhWesternWind Tue 02-Jul-13 14:35:52

Agree with Stranger and Mercury here. Yes, sex can and does get better as you get to know each other, but if something is wrong in terms of attitude or if preferences are a long way apart it will become apparent very quickly.

The thing about him asking why you are so shy, it's difficult to tell whether that's a bad thing without context/tone. If it was him asking out of concern or to reassure you that you were in a safe and secure place and there was no need to be shy, that's one thing. If he was asking to put pressure on you to be less "shy" and give him a BJ, then that's something else altogether. And it also depends on how he asked - if you were both asking each other what you like in bed, and he mentioned that he liked BJs, again that's one thing, but if it was just him saying that was what he wanted you to do, then that's another. But there are things here that should possibly be red flags for you Broken, but only you will know how these things were in reality.

Lovely lovely e-mails from Alpha today. I think he has got it bad grin.

48howdidthathappen Tue 02-Jul-13 14:42:28

55 Hands up in RL I am a jumper into bed on the first night, but never go down, for me far too intimate for a first night.
Even Mr Fucked up, my only sexual partner from OD, who I slept with on date 3 didn't expect it. I actually never went there with him, just had a niggle that he was a charmer cunt so undeserving.

Please don't beat yourself up about this.

Kin yep sounds like a squirrel. Shame.

scrazy Tue 02-Jul-13 14:52:44

Re the sex and BJ etc. I usually tell a guy I am quite shy at the beginning but not when I get comfortable with them, which to some extent is true. It certainly keeps their interest. I wouldn't let anyone pressure me into doing something I don't feel ready to in bed.

The first time to me is best done hammered with a little alcohol to break down inhibitions and it's just a fact finding exercise grin.

lurkinglorna Tue 02-Jul-13 15:35:06

EEEK shock

just signed up to POF and am a bit shocked at how "fast paced" it is compared to match? more people?

seem some nice guys on there - lots of firefighters bizarrely??? (this is not a specific fetish of mine, just a random observation)

anyone got any site specific tips for POF?

lurkinglorna Tue 02-Jul-13 15:39:06

crikey some of the people there are a bit "gangsta" confused

KinNora Tue 02-Jul-13 15:40:47

He's just sent me a text saying that I'm 'astonishingly understanding' - oh well done me !
Thing is, I don't want to be understanding, I'm sick to the back teeth of having to be understanding and reasonable, I want to turn round to him and ask why if he's feeling that bad, he sent me an email last night asking me to come up this weekend ? Why ?

He's a fricking clone of bastarding Spud is what he is and I'm an idiot for continually attracting and humouring that kind of man.

Thoroughly pissed off, and on the sofa for the foreseeable.

scrazy Tue 02-Jul-13 15:43:05

Kin, the only way to deal with this type is to say. Contact me if you are in my area, then cut off. That's what I would do.

lurkinglorna Tue 02-Jul-13 15:54:56

KinNora

you're not an idiot! you gave him a opportunity -which is good because IMO being "open until proved otherwise" is a very sound policy, he fucked up hasn't capitalised on it, now you'll set a boundary - i second scrazy s suggestion

ps sofa is comfortable!

KinNora Tue 02-Jul-13 16:14:58

Thanks Lorna and Scrazy, I shan't be travelling anywhere to see him, he's had his chance. I just weary of all the bloody navel-gazing, flaky, 'man cave' shite and to think, I was actually worried that I might fall for this one.

OhWesternWind Tue 02-Jul-13 16:18:04

So blooming disappointing Nora. Is he actually ill ill, or is it just a cold type thing? Can't understand why he asked you yesterday then cancelled today unless it's come on very suddenly. Send the e-mail and see what he says, the bloody squirrelly flako.

48howdidthathappen Tue 02-Jul-13 16:18:30

Oh dear kin A rodent!

This thread is not accepting new messages.