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Have i been emotionally abused my entire marriage?

(105 Posts)
Alipongo1 Mon 01-Jul-13 14:03:58

Hi, I discovered this site a few weeks ago and decided to tell you about how I've been treated in my marriage in the hope that you can help me. Before I begin, I must tell you that my DH acts in a normal, civil manner for most of the time. He can be very kind, for example, shortly after we met, he financially supported me through a one year training course and used his money to pay for a deposit on our first house. However, the trouble began when we were planning our wedding abroad. My parents and siblings said they would stay with us for a week, then go home so we could have our 'honeymoon'. My DP's mother insisted that it wasn't worth going for a week and was planning to stay with us for whole 2 weeks along with her husband, daughter and SIL. I wasn't happy with the situation, but DP said he wasn't prepared to say 'no' to his mother! After the wedding my DH was quite distant with me and was constantly fussing over his mum - she even sat with us in the horse-drawn carriage from the registry office! I feel we lost out on all the intimacy that should be built up at this time, and was made to feel like the unwanted addition to his family holiday.
When we returned home, my MIL announced that she wanted to leave city where she'd lived for 30 years and move to countryside. She and my DH came to agreement that she could have all our savings (14k) and she'd pay us back in her will! I wasn't even consulted! When I said 'no' they were both moody and sulky and I was made to feel selfish and mean. She eventually bought a new house - 4 doors down from DH and myself!!!!
When my husband was made redundant he got a new job 60 miles away from where we lived. He tried commuting, but eventually we decided that we'd have to move closer. My MIL started to make up stories about how she was becoming ill and hinting that she had cancer, I think to try and make us feel guilty. My DH, again, was cold and distant towards me, almost making it seem that I was 'making' him leave his mother.
We have 3 DD's (14,12 and 6) and he dotes on them. However, i feel that he speaks to me in a very derogatory way, for example when I said that i'd been 'stupid' at making a mistake about something, he replied "That's not stupid: it was idiotic". A few days ago I made a mistake on the computer and he was shouting "This isn't rocket science! Why don't you know this by now?" He does apologise afterwards, but says that I'm over sensitive. He also says I need to see all these things in isolation, and to stop drawing lines.
Can anyone help me make sense of this? I'd be very grateful. I also have lots more examples, should you need them.

Alipongo1 Sat 06-Jul-13 14:18:13

Hi again,

springy we are all British, so he's not got that as an excuse.

We had another argument this morning where he insisted I had to change. he kept saying things like "Am I so terrible?" When I read some of the other posts, he's not as bad as most of the other men. Now I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

jayho Sat 06-Jul-13 14:20:32

Ali delurking to say it doesn't matter what he's like in comparison to other people, it's how he makes you feel that counts.

Good luck

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 16:45:03

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme ? I'd get on that iiwy and then you can check out what's going on in your marriage.

I am amazed to hear he's british. I'm amazed to hear his mother was in the coach at your wedding - that just makes me cringe.

As for 'am I so bad?' - my abusive ex used to say the same. HIs reasoning was that he didn't hit me. But you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse. there are plenty of ways to destroy your partner.

cjel Sat 06-Jul-13 16:57:45

springy, weird to say you are amazed hes british, mine is and so are most of the people on here who it happens to, the freedom programme is full of white british women whose white british men are the same.

ALI, he won't own it Yes he is so bad and that also is classic trying to make you doubt yourself so he will start to make you feel you need 'help' with your problems,
Find people to listen to who will confirm what you are feeling not challenge it.

amybenson03 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:43:08

Have you gone through with the divorce?

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