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End of Affair - update

(146 Posts)
HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 11:04:44

I can’t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM’s, as I haven’t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do – tell the OM / don’t tell him, tell DH / don’t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ‘something important’ and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn’t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ‘news’, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don’t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ‘you are obviously on the warpath and I don’t want to argue with you’. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can’t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair – this is it. It’s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:39:15

Thanks.

AF - I wasnt being barbed when I said that, I just relaise that reading two long threads is time consuming.

I dont believe in karma, so I wont take that post to heart. If 'karma' was true, than all four of us (me, OM, DH and OM's wife) must all have done some horrific things - our kids too - because this has the potential to shatter everybody involved.

I am reaping what I sowed, though, of course. Nothing mystical about it.

Doha Mon 01-Jul-13 12:39:52

oops attempting to win HIM back..

kittenmittens Mon 01-Jul-13 12:40:53

Branleuse it doesn't really matter now, does it? Whether the condom broke, slipped off, or wasn't put on in the first place, doesn't change the fact that she's pregnant now and struggling to deal with it.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:41:35

Do you definitely not want to continue with the pg ?

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 12:41:57

Lying not nasty just honest. Has anyone considered what these wives are going through? This Op and the other didn't care when they were shagging their husbands. This Op needs to speak to her RL friends.

I made it clear I find people that have affairs pretty despicable actually Lying as they only consider their own actions and then cry about it when it back fires. You do the crime, you pay the price and do the time.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 12:44:04

One little thing I would add.
You seem to act impulseively, and in the heat of the moment.
During this week and beyond, try not to?

There are always ways in which a situation can get even worse.

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:44:57

'Do the time' is a strange way of looking at a pregnancy, but i accept your point@LittlePea.

I have not even thought about any other option@AF. Maybe I am in shock, as others have said....but I cannot see how it would be fair to bring a child in to this shit situation.

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:45:58

You are right@yams. this is something I was going to raise with the counsellor eventually. I seem to have very poor control of my impulses lately.

Damnautocorrect Mon 01-Jul-13 12:46:11

I'd just like to say as people never seem to get this *no contraception is 100%, sometimes it fails.*

I say that looking at my ds, who decided despite 2 types and the morning after pill he was coming into this world!!

Op, your story sounds truly a mess xxx. I've nothing useful to add, but I wish you the very best for Friday.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Jul-13 12:46:46

HeyFeverrr... Whether you believe in it or not (I don't). There is no excuse for a bitter random coming on to a thread where support is needed just to lash out at you. I hate that kind of thing.

You made decisions, they weren't the right ones, we all do things wrong sometimes. You don't deserve to have to face this on your own. OM can't feel good about himself, not if he is anything like the person you thought he was. He's not being decent to you now and he will have that as a remembrance, which won't be comfortable.

The only important person right now is you; what can be done to help you, Hey? Who is the right person for you to speak to about this and are they available to you?

AnAirOfHope Mon 01-Jul-13 12:47:11

Put yourself in your husbands place.

"my wife lied to me, had sex with another man, told his wife, which ended the affair and then she got pg by OM and had a termination all without telling me. I was the last to know and I was told by someone else she didnt respected me enough to tell me herself".

There is no coming back from that ever. If there was a guide on how to hurt someone to the extream this would be it, congrats you got him back for his affair and the hurt he caused you.

Just tell him and accept he will leave and you are alone for a bit till you meet someone else.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:51:07

I agree that this situation is no place for a child to be brought into, actually. But you have been acting impulsively (and damagingly), by your own admission. Be sure a termination is what you want.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Jul-13 12:51:31

LittlePeaPod... What you call 'honest' is just your opinion. Your posts are bitter and spiteful and serve no purpose other than to lash out at somebody in pain who is asking for support. If you can't offer it then don't but why on earth post?

PromQueenWithin Mon 01-Jul-13 12:57:42

I will hold your hand too op. people make mistakes, they make terrible ones. What's done is done, and now you need to square your shoulders and get through this as best you can.

Start being the person you want to be, right now. What would that person do? Come clean with DH? Admit all and take the consequences? You might not know right now. You can chat it through on here or you can pm me if you like.

AnAirOfHope Mon 01-Jul-13 13:00:07

Take one issue at a time.

1) Do you want to keep your baby? Do you want another child, can you afford another child, how would your other children react?

2)When do you want to tell your husband. He will not be able to emotionally support you right now. He may not want to work on the marrage. He may want to leave and he may want to tell extended family and friends.

3) OM that boat has sail wave goodbye. Delete contacts, dont see him, talk to him or his wife. Consider they are out of the pitcure. You dont have to feel guilty or sorry or anything for them now. Enjoy the peace.

OctopusPete8 Mon 01-Jul-13 13:02:58

In some ways I'm glad the wife knows so she can go and get herself tested.
This is such a traincrash of peoples lives from the selfish action of 2 people so sad.

AnAirOfHope Mon 01-Jul-13 13:03:59

Also OP its a mess but not the end of the world, you just have to make better choses grin

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 13:04:44

Lying the are realistic and honest opinions. You can choose to ignore them if you don't like them. I can reserve my sympathies for the innocent parties (his wife & her husband) if I so choose.

Op I wasnt referring to the pregancy. That's the part were I do actually feel sorry for you. Going through a trmination alone would be traumatic and that's why i think you need to speak to a Good RL friend. I was talking about the fall out that will result from this tragic situation.

OctopusPete8 Mon 01-Jul-13 13:09:12

Are you still in contact with the wife? I agree tell your husband.

Realistically, how are you going to conceal the termination from your husband?

I have been with two friends after their medical terminations, I cannot imagine how they could have hidden it from partners (although perhaps they were affected worse than most people).

I think you have to tell your husband, for a few reasons:

1. It will be difficult to conceal the termination, and possibly unwise in case of complications

2. Maybe you could keep it secret for a while -- but for the rest of your life? That will be very difficult (as your husband found out with his affair). Unless you really believe you will never tell him, better to tell him now than later.

3. If you are planning to go to counselling with your husband, it will be very difficult to get the most out of it if you are concealing such important things.

4. It has all become so serious that I think your husband deserves to know the truth, and decide whether he wants to stay in this mess. It's not fair to go forward with him being the only one bearing the cheater label and guilt.

The only reason I would suggest NOT telling him is if you think you want to end the marriage anyway, which I think is a valid thing to think about. If that's the case, then I would say don't tell him, it will just make everything so much worse.

wannaBe Mon 01-Jul-13 13:17:17

I haven’t read the original thread but from what I can gather it appears that the op’s h had an affair as well and now the op has done to him what he did to her? Tbh two wrongs don’t make a right and his having had an affair is IMO not mitigation for the fact you did the same.

I am a firm believer that affairs are rarely black and white and that they are generally a symptom not a cause of issues in a relationship. However that never justifies the existence of an affair, and the thing about coming back from an affair is that not only do you have to end it, but you also have to take responsibility for what you have done.

Refusing to tell your dh while going through with a secret abortion is not taking responsibility – it is abdicating responsibility. You are not putting right what you have done wrong – you are pretending that it didn’t happen by continuing to act secretively in order to … what? Protect yourself presumably?

I am not trying to be harsh op, affairs happen, but when they are found out is when you need to take responsibility. This isn’t about telling your dh because someone else might, it’s about telling your dh because having not only had an affair but getting pregnant and then having a termination in secret is not something which you can keep from him – it just isn’t. This isn’t a one night stand which could be considered a minor indiscretion, you’re pregnant and having a termination. You have been carrying another man’s child, on no planet is it ok to keep that from your husband if you have any chance of a future together.

And yes, part of taking responsibility is accepting the reality that when you tell him that you have not only had an affair, but have conceived and aborted the OM’s baby, there is every likelihood he will throw you out and file for divorce.

It’s not karma or revenge or justice, I don’t believe in any of that. It’s not even what you deserve. But equally you are not taking responsibility by keeping this all secret, and the instant you slept with someone else you essentially turned your back on your marriage. After that the outcome was out of your hands.

OP, there will be a reason why you're acting impulsively, you prob don't know what the reason is but you sound a bit like I did at the start of a nervous breakdown. There will be something mentally that has sent you on this train of destruction but please do not panic, you are not alone. You are not the first to have their life go off the rails and it will seem like the biggest mess at the moment but you will be OK. You don't have to justify or explain yourself to us. You have made a mistake, lots of us do. Don't self flagellate by seeking punishment from a bunch if strangers who don't know you. We haven't walked in your shoes.

Can you speak to your mum/sister/friend who you can trust with the truth and won't judge you? I really think you need support from a person in RL, I know I'll get shot for this, but I'd say a female might be better positioned to give you thatsupport. Especially re the pregnancy.

shameshame Mon 01-Jul-13 13:19:45

I think it unwise to assume the OP's husband will be there to hold her hand during her termination/oversee any potential issues (which are v. rare btw). Another RL freind would be a much wiser choice at the moment.

loveliesbleeding1 Mon 01-Jul-13 13:24:01

I think its too much to ask of yourself to do this alone, have you any idea to how your dh would react, has he ever been violent? I hope you can be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes in life.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:26:22

I wasn't assuming OP's H would hold her hand during the termination

But if he awakes in the night to find her ill/bleeding heavily/requiring emergency treatment, is this a fair situation to put him in ? Stacked up against all the other unfair cards tottering in his pile, of course.

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