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Divorced with two kids met a really nice man but I need advice help!

(20 Posts)
Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 16:23:34

Dear ladies,

I have two children from a previous marriage 17 and 7, who both get on very well with my boyfriend of two years.He is a very good accountant and I run my own business. Although my boyfriend does not live with us, he stays with us 4-5 nights a week. Now here is the problem.

He has no children of his own, never married and very outdoor and athletic.He chooses not to drive but cycle instead. The two nights he stays at his flat are his sport tournament nights. Fair play to him he does not do sports Friday sat and Sunday to spend time with me. I on the other hand love my nice car and 5 star holidays. These obviously come at a cost. I earn more although he earns an above avarage salary. He is very proud and does not allow me to spend money on him choosing to stick to things within his means.

A few months ago he started helping me with my accounts as he is a very very good accountant. He does not let me pay him for this. So this year I suggested I pay for the summer holiday as he has saved me a fair bit of money. This weekend I have been working on a bid which needs costing. He said he would do it for me on Saturday, but he has not done it,choosing to watch the tennis and cycling o tv. I am really annoyed about this as I really needed the help. (I am I unreasonable)

I don't ask him to contribute to rent, although he does bring food and does the cooking most nights. We swapped keys to each others homes about a year ago. Although I suggested moving in together a few months ago but he was not ready.

What's your advice on finances In this scenario, and how long is reasonable before a couple live together? I really want us to bea family.any tips?

Apart from that we are very happy together.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 18:50:12

You've blurred the professional and personal boundaries.your boyfriend is your accountant
So because its unpaid,he's doing favour you do not have legitimacy to chivvy him along
Two things.1. Hire an accountant not your boyfriend 2.hes not moved in cause he doesn't want to.its irrelevant to discuss rent etc he doesn't want to Live as family unit

SorryMyLollipop Sun 30-Jun-13 19:00:35

Is this about sharing money, living together, or him not costing your bid?

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 19:40:56

It's about the bid, I think although I am wondering if I am annoyed with the not leaving together, maybe that's why I am over reacting. Thanks Scottishmummy, I should separate home and work. Being as we go on holidays together this summer being our 5th and he stays at mine most nights whilst he pays for an empty place. Sorymylollipop it's about how to work a relationship like hours regarding finances.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 19:55:54

He clearly doesn't want to move in,you've asked he's declined.theres your answer
You're both maintaining separate homes and finances,within a stable relationship
I wouldn't pursue joint finances,or a convoluted arrangement.if he wanted to live as couple he would.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 20:03:07

Yes I know, aim talking about the shared things we do now, such as holidays etc

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:06:32

I agree that activities like holiday should be shared,how it go At the mo?
Sharing cost is the fair thing,irrespective of whether you live together or not
I live with dp.we have Own Accounts,and split costs like holdays,equally

Viviennemary Sun 30-Jun-13 20:11:30

I think the trouble is when somebody is doing something as a favour it's in their own time. He is happy with the status quo and you want to move things forward which is quite reasonable I think. He seems to be quite happy the way things are but you're not. I don't think there is an answer unfortunately as how long is too long to wait. If you think you've waited long enough then that is long enough.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 21:20:14

You are so right, it's not like I did not have an accountant or I could not hire one, he offered to take the accounts over, I also thought since I like expensive holidays and he is saving me money it's fair,especially as my kind of holiday needs tone child friendly and not trekking some mountain. I don't want to appear ungrateful but I am considering hiring an accountant again. I am I being petty about expenses considering he stays more at mine than his. I do think it would be appropriate for my children to alternate homes, despite mine is their home.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 21:26:20

What would you like to happen?are you happy to date and maintain two homes
Yes do get an accountant.dont blur personal and business

ImperialBlether Sun 30-Jun-13 21:27:38

Can I just ask what he does contribute? He stays 4 or 5 nights a week. Where does he do his washing? Who does it? Does he pay you anything for electricity etc? You say he buys food - out of 4 or 5 nights per week, who provides dinner? Who provides breakfast? Does he take lunch to work? If so, who provides it?

Does he do any housework at all?

As your boyfriend, I think he should be doing your books, as that was the arrangement. You should say to him, "I really need my books doing now. Should I arrange for another accountant to do them?" Then don't say a word until he replies. Don't say "I know you're busy..." etc.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 21:31:03

I think the books was a unpaid favour,op hasn't much legitimacy to demand it done timely manner
If op were paying,for transaction yes she can request and expect timely completion
Not paying,it's a loose unpaid arrangement.that saves her money

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 22:50:36

I do my shopping weekly,so whilst he brings food he wants to cook that day, I have it in the house anyway.no he does not pay towards my house running cots.he does laundry himself at his house and cooks, cuts the grass and any odd jobs round mine. It was his suggests in to do my accounts. He also helps with homework etc. so in many ways we are as good as living together. Because he refused to move in with me a while back, I thought I should take to ponder on what I really want. I love him and we have a loving relationship and he is excellent with the kids.I also don't want to nag, or pressure someone to commit if they are not ready so I am just suffering inside whilst I think.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 22:53:06

I mean I have given myself time to ponder and think about what is really important in a relationship, marriage, living together or someone who makes you happy.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 22:56:13

Tbh,if I were dating and not cohabiting I wouldn't pay costs towards boyfriend house
I don't see that he should contribute to your home costs.you both have own homes
But if this us a deal breaker you need to think what next?what if he won't move in at all

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 23:03:17

Hmm,no I don't think your set up is same as cohabitation,at all
You date and spend days at each other house,whilst maintaining own homes
cohabitation is one home,live together as couple.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 23:07:05

What if he does not move in at all, is one i am thinking about.maybe I should speak to him, don't want to force the matter though.my ex put on the best proposal, we where married in 18 months and he turned out to be messed up, there is virtue in taking time, but how much time.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 23:10:33

If coabtation is big deal you need to either accept and get overhead wont move in
Or you cut loses and date a partner who will cohabitate with you
Don't put self in position of feeling churned up,hoping he will relent and move in

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 30-Jun-13 23:21:25

You are so right, it's so difficult to walk away from a good thing. I think I will wait until after we are back from our summer holiday

scottishmummy Sun 30-Jun-13 23:24:55

Ask him straight.where's it heading.If you don't like the answer you need to decide a plan
Are you hoping he change mind,move in?do you want. To marry him?
Have the big talk,take it from there

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