Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

(137 Posts)
Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:09:43

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

sameoldIggi Mon 15-Jul-13 20:01:48

Namechangingnorma, I don't know if you're still checking this thread but wanted to say I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself. I also hope you have got rid of your dh as his behaviour was inexcusable. If you have excused it (as I think you may have) please make this the last time. You deserve more x

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 05-Jul-13 15:00:53

Norma have been thinking of you today, and so really appreciate you taking the time to come back and update us with everything you are going through.

Do come back and talk to us further when you've got the strength - we're all here to listen to you. Take care lovely x

Take care and you do right to rest first.

Fozziebearmum2be Tue 02-Jul-13 20:58:03

Look after yourself - big hugs thanks

AnyFucker Germany Tue 02-Jul-13 09:53:18

Hope you are ok physically, norma. Please, when you are feeling better, think very carefully about whether this man is even fit to lick your boots. He sounds horrendous, and I think you have been overlooking how bad he is actually is for some time. Only a couple of days ago you were singing his praises on another thread, and then he treats you like he thinks you are a piece of shit.

Shame on him.

skyeskyeskye Tue 02-Jul-13 09:51:05

Yes, just look after yourself, keep H at arms length until you are ready to deal with him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Jul-13 09:46:47

Didn't expect to hear from you so soon, for now just rest, take very good care of yourself OP.

Namechangingnorma Tue 02-Jul-13 09:41:41

hi all, quick update, I am out and fine, bar a bit of pain. Unfortunately things got a lot worse the other night, i dont really have the strength to go into it now as I cant yet face reading the responses. I am now home, H apologised obviously and has had it made abundently clear how stupid, ignorant and cruel his comments were. i have made it clear i am not ready to discuss the future of our marriage yet, I want a couple of days to recover first.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Mon 01-Jul-13 22:44:34

Oh and this is very common so no blaming of anyone least of all yourself to be done

Ridiculous comment of carrying my baby... As if we are just receptacles to carry babies for our superior menfolk!!

cees Mon 01-Jul-13 22:31:30

I'm so sorry norma, I hope your safely tucked up and being looked after my your Mum.

Your husband is beyond cruel and selfish, you deserve so much more. Don't put up with it, he is a pig.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Mon 01-Jul-13 22:23:42

Hope all has gone ok today and you are comfortable and being well looked after

Anniegetyourgun Mon 01-Jul-13 19:18:45

Yes, it's true, you married this man for a reason. I'm guessing it was because you thought he was nice. However, it has now become apparent that he is not. All bets are off and it's up to you what you want to do about it. It's not just what he said, but that he was even thinking that way. You've only been married a year, you should be the centre of his universe. Instead you're being dismissed as a failed incubator of his precious sperm. Was that really what marriage was supposed to be about?

You have all my sympathy, but whilst I really really hope you do have a baby (or several!) in future, I also have to admit to hoping it will be with a better prospective father. This one is wired wrong.

50shadesofknackered Mon 01-Jul-13 16:19:01

Norma I'm so sorry for you loss, I hope all went well today and your back home being looked after by your mum now. Having a miscarriage is hard enough without the person who should be supporting you being a complete bastard. After my miscarriage I remember going over and over what I had done in the days leading up to it, things like were the shopping bags I carried too heavy, maybe I shouldn't have cleaned the bath etc. The point is it wasn't my fault, and this wasn't your fault, they were out of our control. The thing that you do have control over is whether you continue in a relationship with a 'man' who cares so little for your feelings. You deserve better than him and his vile treatment. Whatever he says or how pathetic sorry he seems if he really loved you he would have been with you, caring about you and crying with you. You deserve a man like this.

tinypolkadot Mon 01-Jul-13 12:19:01

My thoughts are with you today namechanging, hope all goes well at the hospital. I am devastated for you about your husband’s reaction. Take good care of yourself and take as much time as you need to recover and get your head together.

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 01-Jul-13 12:03:35

Norma I am so so sorry, not only for your loss but for the double whammy of realising your H is not the man you thought/hoped he would be. You deserve far far better. Abandoning you is bad enough, blaming it on you is cowardly and utterly stupid and his other comments, including the thinly veiled threat of violence if you provoke him.... just despicable.

Wishing you all the strength in the world today for your op, and for the future as you try to separate yourself from this vile specimen, if that's what you decide on. No need to make any rushed decisions - by all means wait until you feel a little stronger, but I think he has well and truly lost any right to try to pressurise you into decisions about your future together and the decision needs to be yours. I am glad you have your parents to turn to.

ChloeR32 Mon 01-Jul-13 11:51:23

I'm so sorry about your loss and I imagine that this feels like two losses at the moment - your baby and your husband - he's certainly not reacting the way a husband should. He might be angry about this and that he feels he can't control what happens - but to place any blame on you is utterly cowardly. I hate to say it but this might be a hint of things to come (if he can't tolerate feelings of loss etc) can you really be expected to support him when something as heartbreaking as this happens?
You're in a marriage and you should share this loss - not have whole lot of crap heaped on you.
I'm so sorry for what you must be going through and I truly hope that you find a way through this. One day/hour/second at a time ..
C x

ginhag Mon 01-Jul-13 11:38:31

I'm thinking of you today too.

LJL69 Mon 01-Jul-13 11:17:49

Adding my best wishes to you today. Go to your parents and let yourself grieve and rest too. This is not your fault. These things happen and are often Mother nature's way of saying things were not right. Once you are stronger you can make the other decisions. I have to add that your partner's comments are vile. I suspect you already know what you need to do in the longer term.
Please know that many are thinking of you and wishing you the best

skyeskyeskye Mon 01-Jul-13 11:01:58

Norma - I hope things go OK for you at the hospital today.

You have been given some good advice on here. Your H sounds like a nasty piece of work, treating you like this when you need his support. A family member of mine had 3 miscarriages and I have seen the grief that she has gone through. She was referred for testing after the third one.

There are no excuses that can be made for your husband's behaviour. Blaming you for it, then saying he wont get violent, is inexcusable.

I hope that with the love and support of your mum and family, that you can work out what to do for the best.

TheWysticManker Mon 01-Jul-13 10:40:25

What a horrible man. Generally I think there is a lot of LTB on this board when maybe things could be worked on, but for you husband to be so cruel and hurtful when you are very vulnerable, I'm not sure you should even consider 'forgiving' this.

You don't have children together. I would think very carefully about the life you are likely to have if you stay with this unpleasant person.

I hope all goes as well as can be expected today

lovesfastcars Mon 01-Jul-13 10:28:16

I hope you can get through today with the love and support of your Mum.

So sorry you have lost your baby.

When you are ready, please listen to all these posters telling you to get this man out of your life. This really is one of the cruelest and most evil ways to behave towards a distressed and vulnerable person.
This is not the actions of a kind and loving spouse who should be supporting and protecting you right now.
You KNOW this!
X

somanystripes Mon 01-Jul-13 10:21:33

I've just read the entire thread. You poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss and that your DH is being an utter shit. I can't believe anyone would say anything so cruel. The thing about something being wrong with you is horrendous. It sounds symptomatic of emotional abuse, tbh - is this the kind of thing he'd normally say when he's stressed or upset?

I had repeat miscarriages before I had DD, and fair to say, my DH never really understood how upset I was. After the third (I think) he went out on a planned night out with a mate and didn't come home until the early hours. I was so angry and upset, but in his mind there was nothing he could do, it had happened before and we knew what happened, so why cancel a perfectly good night out? It caused a massive row and just that wobbled my faith in him for a bit. I put it down to running away from things, and he has since grown up, thank God. I can safely say he wouldn't pull something like that now (he'd better not, or that would be it for us).

What you are talking about sounds different though. There's one thing to blow off steam because of grief (still no excuse to leave you unsupported), and another thing to be so utterly cruel, blaming and self-centred. When I started reading based on just your OP I thought people were being OTT to say leave him, but having read on and what else he's said ('I'm not going to get violent' - WTF does he want, a medal?!) I do actually agree that it sounds like you'd have a lucky escape to get out of the relationship now and have your kids (which you will) with someone who is going to nurture and care for you and them.

Miscarriages are just absolutely soul destroying, but having a child is also bloody hard and can put massive stress on a relationship. What the hell is he going to do if a DC doesn't sleep, has colic and screams all the time, has tantrums - blame you for your gestational skills? For not being a perfect enough mother? It's hard to see where this will end if he can blame you for something which is absolutely NOT your fault in any way and turn on you at the time you need him most.

NoRainNoRainbow Mon 01-Jul-13 10:02:37

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I hope everything goes ok today.

I had a very similar situation with my XP. He will only get worse, talkativejim has it spot on.

Please don't go back to him.

When bad things happen, people show you their true colours.......he has shown you his.

Don't fall for his tears, you will be miserable if you stay with him.

spiderlight Mon 01-Jul-13 09:49:08

Thinking of you today flowers

lydiajones Mon 01-Jul-13 09:45:59

So sorry for your loss.

Your husband sounds awful. If he is like this now how will he cope with all the ups and downs of married life and parenthood in the future. Treat this as a warning and carefully consider your options.

Thinking of you.x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now