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I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

(137 Posts)
Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:09:43

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:04:58

I'm sorry for your loss op, I had three mc before dd came along and it was heartbreaking.
If my dp had ever said anything like that to me I would have been devastated! (not that he ever would have)

Also I'm getting increasingly alarmed at your posts. I had an abusive relationship in the past and it sounds like your dh is building up to this.
It sounds like he has already started the emotional abuse and saying he wont get violent even though you are provoking him is a THREAT! No normal man says this.

Pregnancy and babies tend to make assholes like this so much worse. Please consider carefully your options.
Apologies if Im reading too much into this, it just seems awfully similar....

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 18:05:58

Scared of your parents more like. He should have respect for his wife ffs.

I'm so sorry thanks what a terrible day you're having.

Whatever excuses anyone comes up with, this attitude from him does not bode well for the future, for a lifetime together.

Those spiteful remarks reveal a totally unsuitable person to spend your life with, and have children with. There will always be difficulties to face in life, and one of the good bits about being in a marriage or long term relationship is that you have someone by your side to share them with.

What he has said is devastating and terrible in itself. But the fact that he's the type of person to behave like this when the bad times happen, would be a big warning to me about what life with him is going to be like.

I'm so sorry, and hope your DM gets there soon.

Your H should be ashamed of himself.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:10:51

Don't mistake the desire to seem like a great reasonable guy infront of your parents for respect.

Once again apologies if I'm out of line but my ex always had to behave like a 'great' guy infront of everyone else. I know they were all very shocked when I ended up with black eyes.

I really feel you should google red flags op, you are very vulnerable at the moment, don't let anyone make you think for a second that your loss is in any way a failing or fault of yours.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 30-Jun-13 18:13:16

I'm sorry for your loss, what an awful thing to say to you. I don't know what to advise

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Sun 30-Jun-13 18:17:49

Fuck me, that might be the most insensitive thing I have ever heard.

So sorry for your loss xxxx

If your mum can come sooner, rather than later, then that would be best. Have you told her what he has said? Does she know that he has said he is 'not going to get violent'?

Because that is a peculiar thing for a man to say to his wife while she is in the middle of losing their baby.

Unless violence has been on the agenda before.

If someone said that to my daughter, wild horses wouldn't keep me away a second longer than necessary, so hope you've told her and she's on her way.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 30-Jun-13 18:19:02

What a fucking bastard. It may have been just about possible to maybe perhaps forgive him for not being there for you, but the fact that he blames you in such a nasty way and his subsequent behaviour and (veiled) threat of violence would be, for me, unforgivable. What an arsehole. Has he ever been violent?

I've had a miscarriage and I don't know how I would have coped without my husband's full support.

I'm glad your mum is coming later. I'm so sorry. sad

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:22:42

Compassion: fail

Care: fail

Empathy: fail

Kindness: fail

He perceives you as faulty goods, OP.

He and his attitude stink. He needs to go. If we're going to reduce the value and purpose of human beings to a functional level as he does, he's just demonstrated he is of no use to you whatsoever.

bbqsummer Sun 30-Jun-13 18:27:21

Has he not considered the possibility that in fact his sperm wasn't up to scratch?

Is he usually this entitled? Does he have a small dick by any chance?

Very very sorry you have lost your baby OP, but don't consider having another one with this git.

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 18:27:30

I am so sorry for you. I have lost 2 babies and know a bit of how you must be feeling. I am also really worried about you. If you are in anyway near to me I will come like a shot if you want some support.

Corygal Sun 30-Jun-13 18:28:48

He's the one with something wrong with him, love. He needs to go. I'm terribly terribly sorry this has happened on top of an mc, which you must be feeling dreadful about. But binning this repellent freak might be the one bit of good news to come out this.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 30-Jun-13 18:28:56

He's an absolute cunt and you deserve better. So sorry for your loss.

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:29:11

Given what you've said, would you consider discreetly calling the police?

You are in an extremely vulnerable position right now and as others have said, the fact that he's said he won't get violent means he wants to be but for now is controlling it.

He is using fear and intimidation to manipulate you into not insisting he leaves.

You would not be unreasonable to tell the police you feel unsafe in your home tonight. I have no doubt they would advise your H to check into a B&B and give you some space.

Something to consider.

Twattergy Sun 30-Jun-13 18:31:17

So if you went on to have a baby with this man and if the baby was ill or had special needs of some sort, by his logic that'd be your fault, for not giving him a perfect baby...
Or when the baby won't sleep at night, that'll be your fault for nor giving him a baby that sleeps...
married life and children in particular is about shared responsibility, in good times and bad. Epic fail on his part.
I am sorry for your loss.

sad How appalling.

Sorry but he is a disgrace. Get rid.

TalkativeJim Sun 30-Jun-13 18:38:30

No, don't forgive this. That would be a mistake.

You are fortunate in that this utterly nasty piece of work has shown his true colours before you were tied to him by a child, or within an established long marriage.

He is giving you a taste of what life as his partner will really be like.

This is what he is like when the chips are down.

This is him. This is how much he cares for the person closest to him.

Wouldn't he be a fantastic, encouraging, kind, empathetic daddy?!

You've only been married a year. Cut your losses NOW. Go back to your parents after your surgery and just get away from him.

He's not only fucking nasty, he's also thick as shit, incidentally. Blaming you for a very early miscarriage? Does he know how common that is (answer: guess not) and how they really, really do not happen because someone has, um, done an exercise class?

Twat.

Likes to throw his weight around too, doesn't he? Showing his displeasure to the little wifey who can't 'carry HIS baby'? Um, nice flash of 'possessive caveman arsehole' there. Oh, and he 'won't get violent' - a nice reminder that he could, if he so chose.

Twat, twat, twat.

You've had a blessed early display of what this utter loser is like.

I'm sorry you lost your baby. Please take this opportunity to save your future babies from having this horrible man as a father.

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:41:36

Brilliant post, TalkativeJim.

3littlefrogs Sun 30-Jun-13 18:44:57

OP, he sounds horrible. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

I am sorry to ask that question when you are going through such an awful time, but honestly, this may be a wake up call. sad

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 18:48:15

I am going to my parents post surgery tomorrow, I am going to deal with the rest later.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:48:17

Really hope your mum has arrived and you are ok op

TalkativeJim Sun 30-Jun-13 18:54:19

Oh and by the way, a warning.

If you (as I hope you will do) leave him as a result of this, what will almost certainly happen is that he will respond in an absolute whirlwind of apologies, tears, mini-breakdowns.

He is so, so sorry. Yes, he understands how awful and wrong he has been. He doesn't know why he reacted as he did. Wait, no, he does know. It's because (as you know) he finds it soooo difficult to manage his emotions. He was distraught, absolutely DISTRAUGHT at what was happening and because he's just a poor confused bloke who doesn't do emotions well, he just lashed out. Of course he didn't mean any of it. You knew what he was like when you married him! He says these things when he's upset, but he doesn't mean any of them. And - he was afraid! Afraid of what was to happen next. He pushed you away because he went on the defensive. Didn't want to face up to it. It'll never happen again. He can't possibly lose you - please don't go - he's learned his lesson, and from now on your relationship will be BETTER, because this has really made him think, and he will change...

Blah blah blah.

One thing I have learned in my many years on this earth. People really never, never do change. Not when they're over about 25. And, most especially, they never change if they are, at heart, fucking nasty people.

It takes a certain kind of bastard to look at your supposed beloved, who you married less than a year ago, at their lowest ebb, and for your gut reaction to be to WANT to hurt them MORE. Can you imagine treating anyone like that, let alone your partner? It's quite unusually nasty.

You don't act like that on a whim.

Really, you should walk away from this man and this 'marriage' right now. Go, don't look back. Read a few threads on here and heed the warning signs, and no matter how much he tries to recover ground - this is your warning. Don't look back in ten years and wish to goodness you had heeded it.

Ginderella Sun 30-Jun-13 18:58:00

TalkativeJim - terrific post.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 19:10:20

talkative - it already sounds familiar

KnittedC Sun 30-Jun-13 19:15:47

Norma, your husband sounds truly horrible. And I mean nasty to the core. Could you ever imagine treating him (or anyone else for that matter) in such a revolting, cruel, unkind fashion at their most vulnerable? Didn't think so.

His words and actions are telling you clearly who he truly is. You don't need to put up with such shit from anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love you.

Don't forgive, don't forget. I've never said this before but you need to LTB. You deserve much much better.

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