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I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

(137 Posts)
Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:09:43

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

Sorry for your loss.

Don't make any big decisions just yet, people do cope differently. Some need to talk, some want to bury their heads in the sand.

Hope your surgery goes smoothly flowers

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:02

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I too would be upset by that, some may say that's his way of dealing with it, but it is still not good enough.

Do you have any friends or family who can support you?

YDdraigGoch Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:26

Do you have anyone else who can support you OP?
I don't think men feel quite the same about miscarriage. They weren't pregnant, and don't have to cope with the blood etc, so it's not quite as "real" as it is to women, especially in the early days, when you don't even look pregnant.
I wouldn't be hard on him - we all cope in different ways, but I would explain to him how you feel, and ask him for some support.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Jun-13 16:18:08

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

His behaviour is really shoddy. He should be there supporting you because you are having a tough time. Regardless of his personal feelings, you need him and he has buggered off.

Do you have children together already?

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:23:45

No we don't, this would have been our first, we have been married just under a year. It's not that he doesn't feel the same way, he is really upset too, its kind of like he is blaming me, in the hospital he tried to suggest it was my fault for doing an exercise class last week (one he encouraged me to do ) he always has to take his upset out on someone else, usually me. on the way home from the hospital, I asked him twice how he was, he ddint ask me once

elfycat Sun 30-Jun-13 16:31:56

He's muddling through his emotions. Blame (re exercise class) is a phase in grief. He is feeling it.

But he should be supporting you who cannot run away from it and watch TV to get your mind off of it all. He probably thinks that if he carries on as normal then it will all BE normal somehow.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Do you have more support you can call on?

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:44:07

yes i have loads, great parents and fantastic friends but it was my husband i wanted, thanks x

I don't blame you. I don't think I could forgive that either. So what if he doesn't get the impact of miscarriage - he knows his wife is distressed, possibly in pain and about to go for an operation under general anaesthetic tomorrow. Normal human compassion should tell him to be there with her.

I'm so sorry xxx

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:56:39

Its just got worse, he has just come in and said 'the reason i have been out all afternoon is that I am worrying what the fuck is wrong with you that you cant carty my baby' i have had two miscarriages in the long distant past long before i met him. i think its the worst thing anyone has said to me

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:00:31

Oh OP.

I'm so sorry. For the loss of your baby and for this.

I have had five miscarriages and if dh had ever said that to me we would have been finished, I think.

It is no excuse whatsoever, but is he drunk?

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:02:09

(PS it may well not be the top of your list now, but if you have had three (consecutive?) miscarriages you might want to consider being referred for testing/to a recurrent mc clinic)

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:02:36

no he hasn't had one drink

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

What your husband has said is utterly horrible - no excuse for that no matter how upset he is. Quite unbelievable that he could be that insensitive. Has he been like this before - does he normally speak to you like that?

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice but here for hand holding flowers

I'm sorry OP, that is a disgraceful thing to say.

The behaviour after you found out you've lost your baby is bad enough but to say something like that would have me packing his bags and telling him to leave.

Can you get friends round to be with you? Or your parents?

Ashoething Sun 30-Jun-13 17:05:55

That is a truly horrible thing to say op-I am so sorry. I have had a lot of miscarriages-including 3 late ones. My dh and I dealt with them in very very different ways but never once did dh say anything about my inability to carry our babies. I blamed myself a lot but he never did.

This is appalling behaviour and while I accept he may be very upset,shocked himself-I think he will have a lot of apologising to do if you are to recover from this.

themaltesecat Sun 30-Jun-13 17:07:00

He sounds utterly vile.

I am so sorry about your baby. flowers

Fairypants Sun 30-Jun-13 17:07:16

I'm so sorry for you. You really deserve so much more support than he is giving you right now.
My guess is that he is just really bad at dealing with his own feelings and is externalising his grief. It really isn't about you so please don't take a thing he said personally.
That said, do you want to have to put up with this behaviour every time anything goes wrong in his life?
Now is not the time to start dissecting your relationship though, you have enough loss to deal with. I hope you have someone with you to provide the support you need and deserve.

Vivacia Sun 30-Jun-13 17:08:12

I feel terrible for you, this is an inexcusable thing to say. Do you have to stay in the same house as him tonight?

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:11:53

I think he needs a night away from home to reflect on what he stands to lose and start considering how he can attempt to put this right.

Please lean on family and friends. Your husband is behaving terribly.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:12:30

fairypants, you have it spot on, it's all about his grief, doesnt make it ok though. it is possibly the cruellest thing anyone could say to me, i have spent the afternoon blaming myself because i got a manicure yesterday and wondering if thats why

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Jun-13 17:14:53

A manicure?

He is behaving like an absolute cunt. Unless he comes grovelling in the next 24 hours I would be going to see a solicitor.

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 17:15:22

I think I would be finding it harder to forgive him opinion it was your fault you lost the baby than the fact he has pissed off to his friend's tbh.

Tweasels Sun 30-Jun-13 17:17:33

Not acceptable in any circumstances. That would be it for me I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been there and know how you feel. You don't need that twat making things worse.

Go somewhere else tonight and have a think about what you want to do x

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