Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need some serious advice

(46 Posts)
mackie678 Sun 30-Jun-13 11:28:26

Before anyone replies,I am in need of serious advice*

I am a 25 year old guy and I have never had a past. I have fallen in love with a good friend of mine and after our regular family meets,all are asking us to marry.However,I don't have much experience with girls and here are the issues in between :

1) The girl is an extrovert and I am a calm,composed and an ambivert person though we gel along well.

2) She herself has told that she's had 1 relationship and kissed 3 guys,but I have come to know through her friends that there is something beyond this. (This shows she is secretive.Should I consider this not being truthful as I did expect her to tell me everything ? Does this show that she may cheat in future ?)

3) She has too many guy friends and she agrees that in general she's more compatible with boys than girls.Though not a red flag,I think this needs to be in its limits. My insecurity is when I am on business trips,I am finding it difficult to trust her completely as she's once kissed a guy only after 3 days of interaction.

4) She's confessed her love to me and has told me that she loves me madly and will stay loyal and stuff.But,I know that she is also capable of faking things and I am a bit gullible.(Though I am confident for the most part that she is not faking it). To those who wanna know why she may fake is that I am much superior in terms of financial status than her (not bragging here) and I know she does want to marry a rich guy though I don't look at this negatively as which girl doesn't want a secure future. I am only curious if it is mostly for the money or is me too.

5) After our first kiss and something beyond,I became attached to her while she was pretty casual about it and said that come on,it was just a kiss.I have heard girls become emotional after getting physical ? Obviously we are not in school and did not expect her to cry,but she acted like nothing really happened.

The good things : We have a good compatibility,chemistry and she adds spice to my life as she is a very energetic and lively person.She regrets everything of the past and is ready commit to me entirely for life(atleast she says so)

About me : I am a self made entrepreneur and never had enough time to fall into these things and have been single all my life. I just don't want to lose this girl but there are some red flags.

Please advice!

AnyFucker Germany Mon 01-Jul-13 17:15:17

is there an echo in here ?

NotDead Mon 01-Jul-13 17:05:58

Ignoring the obviously old fashioned/controlling aspects some answers.

1. If she is extrovert enjoy it. Her character adds to yours and shouldn't be the same. Extroverts are useful in relationships.. they will bring issues into the open so you can mamage them. do not try to restrict who she is. celebrate it.

2. who wants a woman who is unattractive to others? the more experience she has the better.. She may have been careful with details. No wonder! you have a very restrictive idea of human behaviour and are judgemental. That will naturally encourage people to change their messages to seek approval. The more you are prepared to understand rather than judge the more truth you will get..and the more trust you will learn. his will be good for you and the relationship.

She is trying to manage your reputation by saying the right things. could be a good sign in a partner. Also 'friends' don't always tell the truth either.

3. girls who are friends with boys are much better at establishing boundaries around friendships and understand mens signals better..and how to shut them down without offence. A good quality. Your jealousy is not.. if it affects your ability to trust..be nervous yes but again who wants a woman who you know you coukd never lose..

4. Status fakery.. fine! this shows she can act up if as a professional couple it is required (family events, work socials etc) she is young and perhaps obvious to you when she does it.. perhaps not to others ! a good sign.

5. good! if she falls apart / in love with a kiss.. then she is vulnerable to one slip-up or attraction destroying your relationship. She can manage her emotions which means she has some control over when to let them loose and when not. This is called maturity. watch out for it! it accellerates!!

she regrets her past.. she doesn't have one! but I doubt she does she just feels like that now.. or is saying that.. see what I said about being judgemental above..

3.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Jul-13 17:01:11

Let's hope the poor girl stumbles across MN.

What a odd and frightening op

AnyFucker Germany Mon 01-Jul-13 14:56:45

OP has fucked off anyway < sigh >

RoooneyMara Mon 01-Jul-13 14:20:29

I agree AF

antimatter Mon 01-Jul-13 11:00:17

I think a lot of what you write comes not from your experience of your interaction with women in an equal relationship but from stereotypes heard from equally inexperienced men.

I think you should learn to be friends with females first before you can form a lasting relationship.

I haven't seen word love mentioned - is it a marriage of convenience/arranged?

NoRainNoRainbow Mon 01-Jul-13 10:55:38

Run for the hills extrovert girl, run, run, run!!!

AnyFucker Germany Mon 01-Jul-13 10:51:57

I don't see a difference

Whether there is intent or not, it is still abuse. And I think the argument that there is no intent kinda dissolves when any efforts are made to counteract the abuse.

RoooneyMara Mon 01-Jul-13 10:48:27

I didn't say it was right, or a good thing. And I agree that it teeters on abusive, but as I said, to these people, it is just normal.

We have a family from Kerala in our house (converted house).

The husband won't let the wife go to the shops unless it's to buy ingredients. He says she will see things and want them, even though she doesn't need them.

She spends the entire day cooking. She cannot drive, he takes the car, she has to walk.

When I argued with him once (he was chucking his rubbish onto our patio) he was very put out, and insisted I speak to him, and tried to bullshit me into 'smile and be nice to him' because it was insulting for me to remain angry or ignore him and just get on with my own life.

Women are owned, they are taught to do as their husband says, and I, as a single parent without an 'owner' am a huge anachronism to him. He sees me as a massive threat to everything he stands for.

I think there are Indian families who operate on a much more liberal, Western level if you like and there are those still very much entrenched in the old fashioned system, which I can have little respect for.

Taken in context though I don't find it chilling at all. I find it sad and pretty hopeless but not chilling. It isn't intended as abuse, even if it is abuse. That is the difference.

NotDead Mon 01-Jul-13 09:47:30

Ignoring the obviously old fashioned/controlling aspects some answers.

1. If she is extrovert enjoy it. Her character adds to yours and shouldn't be the same. Extroverts are useful in relationships.. they will bring issues into the open so you can mamage them. do not try to restrict who she is. celebrate it.

2. who wants a woman who is unattractive to others? the more experience she has the better.. She may have been careful with details. No wonder! you have a very restrictive idea of human behaviour and are judgemental. That will naturally encourage people to change their messages to seek approval. The more you are prepared to understand rather than judge the more truth you will get..and the more trust you will learn. his will be good for you and the relationship.

She is trying to manage your reputation by saying the right things. could be a good sign in a partner. Also 'friends' don't always tell the truth either.

3. girls who are friends with boys are much better at establishing boundaries around friendships and understand mens signals better..and how to shut them down without offence. A good quality. Your jealousy is not.. if it affects your ability to trust..be nervous yes but again who wants a woman who you know you coukd never lose..

4. Status fakery.. fine! this shows she can act up if as a professional couple it is required (family events, work socials etc) she is young and perhaps obvious to you when she does it.. perhaps not to others ! a good sign.

5. good! if she falls apart / in love with a kiss.. then she is vulnerable to one slip-up or attraction destroying your relationship. She can manage her emotions which means she has some control over when to let them loose and when not. This is called maturity. watch out for it! it accellerates!!

she regrets her past.. she doesn't have one! but I doubt she does she just feels like that now.. or is saying that.. see what I said about being judgemental above..

3.

AgathaF Mon 01-Jul-13 09:35:57

This is making an assumption that he is from a different culture. He's not confirmed that. I doubt he will be back to update anyway. I cannot imagine what actually led him to this site and posting here.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 09:29:04

Culture is often mixed up with religion too.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 09:28:17

Trouble is culture cannot just be ignored.
Whether we like it or not, we are all part of our own culture.
Threre is a British culture, just as there is a culture from any other part of the world.
It is like saying to someone who is British who goes to live in Japan, drop your British culture. Have a Japanese culture because you are now in Japan.
Aint going to happen, is it?

I am pretty sure that there is some of the stuff we do routinely in Britain, is pretty horrifying to someone from elsewhere.

AgathaF Mon 01-Jul-13 08:42:46

You sound controlling and very immature.

Orchidlady Mon 01-Jul-13 08:40:39

To right AF, so sick of people using "culture" as an excuse to abuse!! I actually hope this is not for real, though sadly could be

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 01-Jul-13 08:37:59

Is this for real? hmm

OP, what on earth do you expect to get from us?

AnyFucker Germany Mon 01-Jul-13 08:32:50

I don't give a shit about culture

Abusive men are abusive men no matter what excuses and apologies they, or others, make for them

bobbywash Mon 01-Jul-13 08:30:20

The culture of the OP is clearly different. Without knowing about that culture it's very hard to comment. Within our culture it seems very wrong generally for both parties.

Lweji Portugal Mon 01-Jul-13 07:44:27

Rooney, I don't think this particular woman would be too thrilled.

RoooneyMara Mon 01-Jul-13 07:37:39

I think the OP is from a different culture. This is how it works in some cultures - women are viewed as almost property.

it isn't considered a bad thing by these people, it's just how things are done.

If it were a standard issue white non demoninational English bloke saying this stuff then yes it would be chilling

But taken in context it isn't particularly. It is going on everywhere, and a lot of people are happy with it, including the women, as far as I can tell.

SugarandSpice126 Mon 01-Jul-13 01:35:13

YOU are the red flag. She is her own person, not yours to control. A woman is not your property.

Lweji Portugal Mon 01-Jul-13 00:48:51

Leave the poor woman alone.

jessjessjess Mon 01-Jul-13 00:48:38

You sound hideously jealous and controlling. Nobody should have to regret their past because you say so. Please seek therapy.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now