Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is considering the great strength of your marriage that you're a 'good team' the most unromantic idea ever?

(24 Posts)
yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 10:17:55

Teamwork is also pretty vital, when the chips are down.
Luckily it hasnt happened to us too often.Nor have things stayed like that long term.
But when it has to us, we suddenly drop all minor daily irritations, and concentrate on whatever has happened, or has gone wrong, or needs careful consideration.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 29-Jun-13 02:19:30

The thing about Hollywood rom-coms is that they're almost inevitably about couples getting together - rather than about actual coupledom - presumably because coupledom is pretty boring.

And so of course it's all passion and excitement and heartfelt declarations.

I read something on here once that really stuck with me, and I'd love to remember who it was that actually said it, so that I could credit them!

But basically, the jist was that once children come along, your relationship segues into a different zone where you're basically colleagues, 'working' side-by-side for the good of your family. It's no longer about drinking wine until 4AM, putting the world to rights, amazing sex and sleeping until midday (I mean maybe it is occassionally, but it's not the basis of the reltionship any more).

Anyone can have the wine and sex relationship, but it takes a really compatible couple to - out of necessity - opt out of that for a few years to do the child-raising thing together well.

And then the idea is that you come through that stronger and are able to enjoy each other again. It's just the very simple matter of choosing the right sort of person to do all this with in the first place. wink

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:57:35

The romance, sex strengthens the sense of team and adds to it.

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:55:59

I think the teamwork could be defined as us against the world, together against whatever the world throws at us. Yes there is more to it but I thi k teamwork is pretty fucking powerful.

SageYourResoluteOracle Sat 29-Jun-13 00:50:14

This is how DH and I operate. Gawd, 'operate' sounds clinical and efficient but you know what I mean! It's curious that you posted this thread tonight because DH and I have just had A Big Chat as I've been worrying that the passion and romance has been somewhat lacking. . .

I agree with Squitten that the romantic bits come and go but you ujust have to pull together to make life work so I think it's one of the best ways for a relationship to be.

cheeseandchive Sat 29-Jun-13 00:09:06

It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship. I wouldn't be worrying about it being a problem - there's probably always areas that could be improved but teamwork is such a strength.

I think DH and I are definitely a team. Our personalities and strengths do complement each other but I think the biggest 'team' element is knowing that we support one another and really want each other to do well.

blueshoes Fri 28-Jun-13 23:47:47

Good teamwork is the glue of a marriage that goes the distance. Don't knock it.

I could be in love with someone but if I felt we would not make a good team, I would not marry him. You need love AND teamwork for marriage to work.

yamsareyammy Fri 28-Jun-13 22:55:49

ok, yes we have a relationship like this.
But with the fun bits too.
Been married 25 or 26 years. Sort of lost count.

Squitten Fri 28-Jun-13 22:49:47

Yes, I think I would probably say the same about my marriage TBH. We also have a similar sense of humour and compatible views about big Life Stuff, e.g. marriage, babies, finance, etc.

The romantic stuff comes and goes depending on what else you have going on in your life. I think it's the solid practical base that will see you through a lifetime together.

SusieSusieSheep Fri 28-Jun-13 22:41:10

No, not really a problem, I don't think. And I hope it doesn't come across as a stealth boast. I mainly just wanted to know if other people think of their own relationships like this and think that there may be a problem in a relationship like this. I just always wonder what other people's relationships are like and don't always know

yamsareyammy Fri 28-Jun-13 22:31:19

I am not sure I am reading this thread correctly?

Are you saying you think you have a problem in your marriage.

Yes, teamwork is great. But imo, other stuff is important too.
Yes, I am pretty sure that marriages can survive with almost just good teamwork, but passion and excitement make them fun.

Do you think you need to make more couple time?
I am thinking there is an American expression for that, but cant think of the name right now.

SusieSusieSheep Fri 28-Jun-13 22:25:42

I think the problem may be Hollywood films and fiction generally, which depicts "perfect" relationships where everything is great sex, great romance and never any arguments.

I have most of the above but really tiny things make me wonder if the grass is greener on the other side which it almost certainly is not.

SusieSusieSheep Fri 28-Jun-13 22:24:20

Yes hanshot very young and with another on the way smile

Our relationship has improved since having dd

this week was our 23rd wedding anniversary. On facebook one of the kids called DH and me and 'great team'. I took it as a compliment!!

He DIYs, I manage the money. He works long hours..I'm here for the kids. I read, he gardens. We are total opposites.. but we parent together, we face life together and we are a team.
It doesn't mean we don't love eachother any more, or find each other attractive. We do.. but as time goes on I'm more grateful for teamwork than multiple orgasms grin

WafflyVersatile Fri 28-Jun-13 21:36:14

I think for most relationships the passion and excitement tends to peter out a bit (or a lot) once you do the settling down things.

If what that leaves is a good team then that's better than many. And if you have that 'good team' base you can maybe reintroduce a little more excitement and passion with a little effort.

HanShotFirst Fri 28-Jun-13 21:33:39

Is your DD very young Susie? And have you always felt like this, or is it from after DD?

At times when my two were very young, I felt like DH and I were a great team, but lacking in some other ways eg romantically, intimately. But that was only because it was a stressful time with two tiny people demanding our attention and although we made time for one another, it wasn't in the same way that it was before DC - lots less spontaneity and a more settled life.

Now they're a bit older, I feel really settled and happy. TMI, but everything has returned to normal now we're not so tired wink. we've weathered a few storms and I know that we're right for each other. I can't imagine being with anyone other than him, but I know now that when we go through times where it's just getting through the day that it'll all come right in the end.

maristella Fri 28-Jun-13 21:29:56

Sounds lovely! And it sounds like a great foundation for a whole lotta fun grin Get the fun back!

Velvetbee Fri 28-Jun-13 21:29:11

Ours is like this. We've been married 18 years this year and have watched other ever-so-romantic partnerships fall apart when the gloss wore off.
We just work well together, negotiate/communicate well, give each other the space to be ourselves IYKWIM but are there in a heartbeat if the other is feeling down.
Our lives run smoothly too he grows the veg, I grow flowers, he cooks, I dust.. It's not thrilling (plenty of that in the rest of life, thankyou), it's nice. Comfortable.

FacebookAnonymous Fri 28-Jun-13 21:28:28

I think being a good team is a really lovely way of describing your marriage smile

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 28-Jun-13 21:25:13

My parents have been together for more than 40 years and the thing I admire most about them is how well they work as a team. They clearly still love each other very much too, but I imagine it's easier to still love your DH after a very very long time together if he makes your life work that bit better smile

Trills Fri 28-Jun-13 21:20:18

Being a good team sounds like a pretty essential part of a good relationship.

thegreylady Fri 28-Jun-13 21:18:50

Very I think as long as it also includes cuddles and talking about stuff as well as some sex.It isn't ever all moonlight and roses-it would soon be boring if it was.Go Team Susie smile

slipperySlip000 Fri 28-Jun-13 21:18:37

Well I for one think that's fantastic! I have just bailed out of our marriage for the lack of teamwork. Respect and teamwork are one in the same in a marriage , to my mind. If there are other aspects that may have 'waned', you are at least in marriage with good foundations to build on...?

SusieSusieSheep Fri 28-Jun-13 21:15:29

I often think that my marriage is more about being a great team than anything else. He's good with money, I'm good with our DD, he takes the rubbish out, I do the hoovering, he does most of the driving, I do a lot of the cooking etc etc etc

I often think that we make a good team and make each other's lives go smoothly. But it worries me that there isn't necessarily a lot of passion or excitement. It's really just the fact that we help each other out and make each other's lives go smoothly that makes it all work.

Just wondering how common this kind of relationship is, really.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now