Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Talk to me about anger management for DH

(86 Posts)
PuffDaddy Fri 28-Jun-13 09:02:57

DH has a foul temper. Very short fuse and can blow up over innocuous things - the traffic, my tone of voice, anything. I would say this anger surely stems from his daily use of marijuana. He disputes this and says he always had a short fuse. On the whole we have a good relationship but all too often we have a blazing row over...nothing and his reaction is disproportionate with the catalyst.

So this morning example, the buggy was in his way as he was trying to rush out the door to work so he started shouting and swearing. I told him his language was disgusting and this turned to me "f*ck you" etc. He has never been violent towards me but his rage is unpredictable and he can throw stuff, kick doors etc. His face contorts with anger and in those moments, I can't stand him.

Anyway I am sick of this - can anyone talk to me about anger management? Is it available on the NHS and does it work?

You are clearly aware he has a problem but he does not. You cannot and must not take any responsibility here for his actions.

Anger management won't help this man at all and no decent counsellor would see him anyway because of his weed smoking.

You need to think carefully about why exactly you are in this relationship now. Perhaps it is out of an innate fear of being on your own perhaps, pride, a feeling of wanting to make this work regardless of the cost to you and your children?. Your children won't thank you for staying with him, they could well end up despising you instead because you did not choose to leave and in their eyes you put him before them.

Something is keeping you here and if you have children they are seeing and hearing all this and know more than you realise. You cannot protect them fully from his emotionally abusive outbursts.

What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Two words currently suffice, damaging lessons.

You have every right to be cynical re his intentions because he is at heart abusive and shows every sign of being known as "the Loser" in relationship terms.

mouldyironingboard Fri 28-Jun-13 10:37:19

Ask him what he is going to do about his anger problem. Is he prepared to get therapy and stop smoking weed? Only he can sort this out but he has to want to change his behaviour.

My DHs ex has an anger problem and she has never dealt with it and it has affected their DC badly. Please don't let your DC grow up in such a horrible atmosphere if he isn't prepared to sort himself out.

OxfordBags Fri 28-Jun-13 10:51:31

Let's be blunt here, OP: your husband is a violent, aggressive, abusive, unpredictable drug addict. Being a drug addict doesn't mean being collapsed with a needle in your arm under a railway bridge, wearing rags. Your OH has all the hallmarks of serious drug addiction. Cannibis use, particularly if he is using the new types of skunk, can cause serious changes to brain chemistry, from anything from being a moody arsehole to full-blown psychosis.

Don't kid yourself that him being angry outside the home doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. That just means he abuses you and others. Do you know that being rude to waiting staff is a huge red flag in spotting an abuser? And that being violently angry with his own mother? Huge red flag too.

You cannot change him and you cannot help him. It is not your place to. When you are being abused this way, it makes you feel responsible for him, but you are not. What you ARE responsible for, however, is the welfare of your children. If you think they haven't witnessed any of this appalling behaviour, or, more importantly, aren't being affected by it, then you are more deluded about this than he is about the cannibis affecting him! Children see, hear, perceive and feel everything. Being in this atmosphere is guaranteeing them behavioural, personality and relationship problems for the rest of their lives. Abuse is acceptable in their family, be it screaming obscenties at Mummy or in the car. Treating women like shit and women taking the abuse is normal in their family. Treating strangers (other drivers, waiters, etc.) aggressively is normal. Taking drugs and addiction is normal (they will kow one day). Irrational behaviour is normal. Expecting other people to tolerate whatever vile behaviour you throw at them is normal. Allowing yourself to lose control of your temper and control is normal. Having no respect for anyone else is normal. Need I go on? Both their parents are teaching them to be future abusers and victims, and to be shitty, addiction-prone individuals who can't and won't treat others properly.

He sounds like an immature, abusive knobhead who believes he is entitled to indulge his own temper who also happens to be an addict partaking of a drug infamous for affecting temper and behaviour.

OxfordBags Fri 28-Jun-13 10:52:18

Cannabis, not cannibis, sorry.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

PuffDaddy, you need to read the above as well.

fromparistoberlin Fri 28-Jun-13 12:36:08

I dont think its maruana

I think he is maybe has decided to himself thats its OK to speak to you this way

read this book OP
"Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft. it really helps you see things clearer

I have similar issues, I am seeing a counsellor which is really helping me cope with stuff

anger is same, issue s are same, but I am fuck of alot stronger and coping better

good luck!!

Namechangingnorma Fri 28-Jun-13 17:00:00

My DH gave up weed 3 months ago after smoking daily for 23 yrs. Your OP could describe him to a t, and yes he did blow up with everyone, not just me. On the flipside he is the most warm, loving, funny guy to be around too.
Anyhow, the difference since he gave up weed, is unbelievable, he is so much more calm and even tempered, it really is quite astounding. He is also having CBT to help him manage the triggers which set him off. I didn't put any pressure on him to give up weed, he just decided one day that he had, had enough. You can't persuade someone to give up something they are addicted to unfortunately. I really didn't link the weed to the anger because he was so docile when stoned, generally, I just though it was his nature.
So from my experience now, I would say he needs to give up the weed first and then look into some type of therapy, it may take you to leave him to do this.

cestlavielife Fri 28-Jun-13 17:02:38

with you with his mum with your munm...all people he thinks or knows he can get away with it right?

what about his work?
what complaints there ?

either he accepts a problem and gets help (he ahs to you cannot - but you can change your reactions ie start making it clear it isnt acceptable; leaving with dc for the weekend etc ) or you seriously consider living apart
to protect the dc from this

cestlavielife Fri 28-Jun-13 17:03:40

with you with his mum with your munm...all people he thinks or knows he can get away with it right?

what about his work?
what complaints there ?

either he accepts a problem and gets help (he ahs to you cannot - but you can change your reactions ie start making it clear it isnt acceptable; leaving with dc for the weekend etc ) or you seriously consider living apart
to protect the dc from this

garlicnutty Fri 28-Jun-13 17:23:09

My DH gave up weed 3 months ago after smoking daily for 23 yrs ... the difference since he gave up weed, is unbelievable

This also describes someone in my family. Unfortunately his mid-life renaissance can't rewrite his children's histories: now grown up, they have chronic relationship problems.

Namechangingnorma Fri 28-Jun-13 17:52:06

Garlic, I know you are talking about your family but DH has a 15 yr old daughter, they are really close and he is a really good dad, DSD massively has her yead screwed on and when and if DH used to lose his temper we would just roll our eyes at each other and giggle

Lweji Fri 28-Jun-13 19:58:47

So, he knows he has a problem...

Has he given up weed?

Has he sought help from his gp?

Does he practice anger control tactics?

You don't want to leave him, which is understandable, but it doesn't seem like he's going to get better unless you are prepared to make him go if he continues like this.

golfpro60 Tue 02-Jul-13 00:07:39

Hi OP
I have stumbled across this post as I sleep in the spare room yet again after another ow with my moody, cannabis smoking husband. I could have written your post. I have got to the stage now where enough is enough for me and maybe soon you will also come to this stage. I just can't take the moods anymore and the unpredictable and withdrawn behaviour. We are not even 3 years married and have a beautiful ds but I fear now as he gets older, he's nearly 2, it will be awful for him, and I just can't bear it anyway. It's such a hard decision as my husband is usually a very fun loving, intelligent and sweet guy who would do anything for u but he has become so angry and withdrawn. I really feel for u and myself being in exactly the same situation. How is your husbands sex drive if u don't mind me asking? Mines is not really there and he is very unafectionate which I blame too on the weed. He doesn't see this at all. I believe it alters thier minds so much there version of reality and he world around them is so distorted. My husband also rude to people. At the airport he other week there was a delay and he started being really rude and shouting at the check in lady so I told him to calm down and he went off at me in front of everyone calling me names, saying I shouldn't be embarrassing myself!!! It was awful. Sorry to harp on just thought we could moan together. I'm going to tell him we should Seperate tomorrow :-(

Handywoman Tue 02-Jul-13 00:12:15

Good luck, Golfpro

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 00:13:34

You think your children aren't being affected by living with a violent, out of control abuser ?

Think again

Do you value your relationship with an inadequate drug user over your children's emotional well being ?

it certainly looks like it from here

golfpro60 Tue 02-Jul-13 00:30:36

Thanks handy woman. Can't believe it has come to this, really heartbroken. X

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 00:36:03

GP60, you are doing the right thing x

golfpro60 Tue 02-Jul-13 07:48:51

Thanks af, it's very hard as he is great in so many other ways and has provided for us all in a big way. But he uses this and seems to think his outbursts are ok because of it. I tell him the weed is ruining him and he could be so much better without it but he doesn't see it. He says he knows he smokes too much but doesn't stop. I know it's an addiction and I've tried to help. But I can't live like this anymore. Walking on massive egg shells here. Scared to speak sometimes and started second guessing everything as always seem to do things wrong. So hard to walk away when from the outside u seem to have it all and with a little one too. But how can we go on like this? I see couple walking along the street holding hands and I'm green with envy! He doesnt even like being touched and tells me I'm sitting 'on top of him' if I sit next to him on the couch?!

PuffDaddy Tue 02-Jul-13 08:12:46

Thanks for sharing GP60 and wishing you all the luck in the world. I can imagine what a difficult decision that was to make and I hope things work out. Does he know that you plan to separate?

Your story mirrors mine all too well although you are a bit further along the road. We too have been married 3 years with a 2.5 year old and a baby of 9 months. And our sex life is pretty non-existent but he is affectionate at least.

While I really appreciate the advice given here, it has been shocking to me to see how many think it's a dead end situation. I really hope (d) that as a couple and a family we could resolve what's been going on. Those of you who say I value a relationship with a drug addict over my children are wrong but every journey starts with a step and it is a baby step that I am taking now to see if anger management or something could help DH and us before our family unit implodes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Jul-13 08:12:48

"I know it's an addiction and I've tried to help"

The only way to help an addict is to create some consequences to their behaviour bad enough to force them to take responsibility for themselves. All the time you are still with him, tolerating the violence, making excuses & letting him be part of your family, you are condoning his behaviour. Because he's an unreasonable & abusive man, he will exploit this situation but have no intention of changing. That's why you get the crocodile tears and fake promises after the outbursts. It's an entirely selfish tactic on his part.

If you really want him to tackle his problems, tell him to leave. If you want to be safe and your children to grow up in a harmonious household, tell him to leave. If he genuinely wants to reform and be part of the family again, he'll do something about his behaviour. If not, you've lost nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Jul-13 08:19:23

"it is a baby step that I am taking now to see if anger management or something could help "

The problem you're not accepting is that this is not your journey, it's his. If he is really worried about your family unit he would be the one on this website asking for help, researching therapists, booking himself on courses, getting addiction treatment. He would be the one taking the baby steps. Not you.

One member of my family was an alcoholic. Other family members, acting out of the very best intentions, went to great lengths booking her into clinics, getting her treatment, setting her up in accommodation and so forth. It all failed because it was being done for her, not initiated by her.

Throw the problem to him, tell him to leave until he sorts himself out, and see how seriously he takes it.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 08:34:01

Agree completely with cog

You are trying to manage someone who doesn't see the problem

You will fail

And all the while you collude in exposing your kids to their own damage

You're not helping him but enabling him instead which only gives you a false sense of control.

He does not want your help besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him. You are currently putting his needs before anything else.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Tue 02-Jul-13 11:21:01

I am someone almost 3 years out of a relationship like this, please listen to what the other posters are saying, especially about the children.

I didn't think mine witnessed much abuse but we all walked on eggshells and my xh was/is a weed smoker too amongst other things, my children have just finished their counselling, both had to go for a year, one may keep going, they are lots better now but were left very confused

Being raised in an environment being on constant edge and me being called all sorts of names wasn't good for any of us, we are out of it now and our lives have improved 100%.

My xh is still the same, still sends me abusive messages when he can (facebook under false names) and has moved onto abusing his fiancee, whose DC have been removed from them because of him.

Leaving/splitting up from my xh is one of the hardest things I have done, it was also the best decision I could have ever made. Best of luck to both of you.

nenevomito Tue 02-Jul-13 11:40:39

Oh lord, I could have written this last year - and actually did under another username.

DH smoked weed and was an utter bastard. Every time I said I wanted him to stop, he told me I couldn't tell him what to do as it was his life and I'd know he smoked weed when we got together.

It took me telling him that while I couldn't make him do anything HE didn't want to, I could decide what I was prepared to put up with and I wasn't prepared to put up with someone angry and unpredictable, so if he chose to continue to smoke, I would choose to leave him.

He's not smoked for over a year now and doesn't need anger management or anything else. He decided that if his choice was to smoke weed as he had done for the last 20+ years, or to lose me, he decided to quit the weed.

Make a decision about what YOU are prepared to put up with and if its not someone getting angry and shouting at you then you know what to do. If he makes the choice to keep smoking, then at least you know you're with someone who thinks weed is more important than you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now