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Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

(744 Posts)
beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 14:41:19

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

FeegleFion Wed 26-Jun-13 15:43:43

Are you seeing my DP, I suppose exdp now, OP?

That was slightly tongue in cheek but let me tell you this, if I find out DP has been seeing an OW, I will make both of them wish they'd never been born!

I hope your poor shit on respective spouses find out and make your lives a living fucking hell.

HTH grin

Damnautocorrect Wed 26-Jun-13 15:44:01

Not sure why you've posted?!

mrsmciver Wed 26-Jun-13 15:45:38

Is there children involved?

cooooodle Wed 26-Jun-13 15:55:42

I have been with my dp for 12 years. He was married when we met; I was single.

Downsides were the pain caused, of course, and his family's reaction as well as some knee-jerk judgement from a few people. He has one dc, and it has been very, very hard for him not to live with his child, and for both of us to manage a split family. Stepparenting is challenging, even if your dsc is very lovely (as mine is). Financially it has been a struggle.

Upsides were that he left an unhappy marriage and way of living, and that we have a wonderful relationship. We have a sense of appreciation and care for each other which I think comes from the fact it was a hard decision to get together and we almost didn't do it. We are actively grateful for each other and we enjoy the small things - like having breakfast together - because we longed so much to live together. I have a good relationship with my dsc, and am the key person they confide in when troubled (which I take as a real compliment).

My only advice would be to not get caught up in trying to justify yourself to people. You have to do what is right for you in order to be happy, but you also have to face the consequences (which might be the loss of some friends or family members). Good luck.

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 15:59:44

damn - read the OP! That's why I posted!

Yes - there are children involved.

wellwobbly - I know what you mean about grieving the end of our marriages and that is something we have both talked about too. We are both fully aware we need to address everything that a marriage ending brings up so we don't have any 'issues' rearing their heads later down the line. I guess I don't KNOW anything about how he may or may not feel in the future, but I am obviously confident in what I think and what he tells me. I think you are very right to point it out though and we are going very very slowly. It's important for me to know that I am ok by myself. At the end of it all I left my marriage knowing there was a chance I would be single as we didn't agree to both leave together so I don't feel dependent but you are right that I do need to watch out for that.

leaven - we are lying cause I think it would be more selfish to declare our amazing love and happiness now. Given that there are kids involved we also want to give that some time before anyone meets anyone's children or before the children find anything out which will be inevitable once gossip spreads.

I don't understand what you want from your OP?

Are you wondering about the sex perhaps; will it remain exciting now that it isn't illicit and thrilling or the fact that it may become boring and predictable now that you're not skulking behind the backs of your ex-partners?

GiveMumABreak Wed 26-Jun-13 16:00:28

I bet you're glad you donned that flameproof suit Op it looks like you needed itwink

Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:00:31

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Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:02:53

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Amazing love and happiness! grin hmm

Pass me the sick bucket someone.

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 16:04:39

Maybe the OP wasn't clear - I wondered if there were any people who'd been in the same boat as me who'd be willing to discuss it.

I expected a flaming. It doesn't bother me. I know what I did was wrong and I'm not proud of that. I've done a lot of beating myself up about this all and am moving on from that as its not helpful to anyone. I'm not boasting at all! I Just wondered if there would be anybody who'd been in a similar position out there....

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 16:05:20

There's no self-interest involved in still lying then?

Not a scrap of not wanting any blame to come your way for not leaving your marriages before another person wanted either of you?

How long have you known this man and what do you intend to tell your loved ones and ex-partners when you go public? That you just met or that you were deceiving them for a long time beforehand?

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 16:05:29

The "amazing love and happiness" was intended to be tongue in cheek....! Oh I'm not doing very well here!

FeegleFion Wed 26-Jun-13 16:06:11

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mrsmciver Wed 26-Jun-13 16:06:22

How did you meet? You are not telling us very much so it is hard to give advice when the details are very sparing.

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 16:06:43

coooooodle - thanks for the helpful post. I think when it's been a challenge to be together (a challenge in whatever way) then you do appreciate it more! That will be my aim anyway!

Heartbrokenmum73 Wed 26-Jun-13 16:08:59

It hasn't been a 'challenge' to be together - this isn't fucking Jane Eyre! The challenge would have been to work on your respective relationships. The challenge's will now be for your respective lied to (and still being lied to) ex-spouses and any dc involved to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and start over - although they are ultimately better off without either of you in them.

Stay single a while. Give your kids a chance to adjust.

Or are they maybe not important?

Did you maybe let your spouses take your children so you could both start a fresh and really enjoy your amazing love and happiness?

Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:09:36

You need to tell your H what has lead to his marriage break up. The wishy washy I love you but I am not in love with you/I need time crap is even crueller because they are always holding a little spark of hope that it will be ok. He deserves to know what's going on so he can know what is really going on and start to move on.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:09:52

You need to tell your H what has lead to his marriage break up. The wishy washy I love you but I am not in love with you/I need time crap is even crueller because they are always holding a little spark of hope that it will be ok. He deserves to know what's going on so he can know what is really going on and start to move on.

ExcuseTypos Wed 26-Jun-13 16:11:13

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ExcuseTypos Wed 26-Jun-13 16:11:57

X posted with your 'explanation' hmm

No personal experience but I can tell you of my friend's situation.

She had an affair with someone who she described as the love of her live. They were both completely wrapped up in each other, and left respective their partners. He even moved countries to be with her.

When he moved in she found him to be selfish, and self absorbed... used to being looked after by his wife. I think the final straw was when she came home from a business trip to find her flat an absolute pigsty, and a weeks worth of washing up left for her to do.

She also found it hard to deal with the fact his 5 year old daughter was still a big part of his life, and was quite difficult (probably as a result of her parents separating).

After 3 years of splitting up, getting back together, splitting up (repeat ad nauseum) he eventually went back to his wife. The wife in the meantime had discovered she preferred life without him so threw him out. Both ended up single, without each other, or their previous partners. neither are happy.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:13:20

You know I totally agree that no one should stay in relationships that don't make them happy. I understand that sometimes you meet other people and its too strong to deny plus you don't really want to anyway. What I can't stand is your fluffy whitewashing of a really shit situation where lots of people are left in pieces (including your kids).

I cannot reiterate enough what a test that makes you sound.

YoungBritishPissArtist Wed 26-Jun-13 16:13:33

Do you worry about him cheating, cooooodle? I'm not judging, just genuinely curious.

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