Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it really possible to be true to yourself without falling out with people all the time?

(33 Posts)
Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:02:03

Because I'm finding that it's bloody hard to do so!

Any tips on how to do it?

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 26-Jun-13 14:06:34

I am true to myself and can't remember the last time I 'fell out' with someone. In what way do you fall out with people?

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:09

Context on your situation would be helpful.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:30

Depends what your 'true self' is like grin

LowLevelWhinging Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:52

Top tip:

you don't have to SAY everything you think smile

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:13:33

I'll give a few examples, Funnys.

First example is a mum at my DD's school. Her DD was repeatedly unkind to my DD for several months at school. Nothing major, just low-level stuff, but still not very nice, and it was happening every day. I then decided to go into the school about it, and the two girls' were spoken to. The other girl must have got wind of the fact that I'd spoken to the teacher, and told her mum, and I then got a very irate phone call. I said that I thought whatever was happening needed sorting out at school, by the teacher who was teaching them all day, and the mum went mad at me and has ever since refused to talk to me. She has also done a bit of dividing and conquering and generally makes an unpleasant atmosphere at school pick ups and drop offs.

The other is a long term friend I had who got more and more demanding of me, both time-wise and emotionally, and wanted everything her own way. She could also be quite catty towards me if the mood took her. I decided to keep a distance from the friendship, but then decided it would be fairer to talk to her (nicely!) about how I was feeling and it went down like a lead balloon and now she refuses to talk to me too. Apparently I am over sensitive and not a true friend.

I try to treat others as I'd like to be treated, and I try to do the right thing and the fair thing in situations. But it doesn't really work.

Lweji Wed 26-Jun-13 14:16:59

Do you even wanted to be friends with such people?

You don't have to fall out with everyone, but only keep those you like.

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 26-Jun-13 14:17:38

That's not falling out with people that's refusing to bend to someone else's will who wants their own way on everything or wishes to sail on without being challenged.
You stood up for your beliefs and they try to push theirs on to you and say its unfair of you when you won't bend to their way.
All you have done is provided them an opportunity and they have decided to react this way. Move on and find people who think more like you. These type of people can create a drama in an empty room.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:19:24

The problem is, mutual friends of the second friend keep referring to us having a 'falling out' and 'not getting on' when I feel like I tried to do the right thing and she just wasn't interested.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:20:11

I had similar at school too! My best friend was very much a drama llama and used to stir up a hornet's nest of trouble for me with people then I'd end up with people falling out with me when I hadn't done anything.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 26-Jun-13 14:21:23

Ok, well, those two examples are really just unpleasant people. Sadly, you will always come across them and you can't let them rule you. You did the right thing in both cases.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 26-Jun-13 14:22:27

So say to the mutual friends "as far as I am concerned, we haven't had a 'falling out', I just asked to be treated with some courtesy. I have no control over how she chose to react to that very reasonable request."

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 14:37:40

I presume your objective in the first example was to stop your child being the victim of unkindnesses at school? Has that been achieved? If so, that's actually all that matters.

The second objective was perhaps to put a stop to unreasonable demands made on you and to stop being in the firing line of snide remarks. It looks like that objective was achieved too.

We have no control over how people think, react and behave. We only have control over ourselves and it is far better to be true to ourselves and achieve our objectives than to put up with unacceptable behaviour towards us or those who depend on us to fight their corner, like children.

You did all the right things and handled both situations with tact, sensitivity and diplomacy. The two people who have reacted badly to that don't care enough about you as an individual to reflect on it and so it's best not to have them in your life.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:39:04

I think I'm just worried about being known as someone who is difficult and who falls out with everyone, all the time.

On reflection, though, I think I become friends with far too many people that are out for themselves and aren't nice women...

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 26-Jun-13 14:40:44

Apparently not.

Turns out that myself is a total bitch shock

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 14:47:09

Alternatively OP, you'll be regarded as an assertive woman who instead of silently seething and being two-faced, is someone who everyone knows where they stand with her. Some of the women I respect most are those who won't put up with unacceptable treatment, but deal with matters privately and discreetly, refusing to involve others unless asked a direct question about it.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 14:51:52

I like the sound of that Leaven smile

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 26-Jun-13 15:43:25

I see. In the first situation there really wasn't much you could have done about that. The other parent sounds childish and all you can do is keep your distance.

In the second situation I really wouldn't have told your friend why you found her tiresome, I would and have just let friendships drift. Generally nothing is achieved by telling the other person how you feel in these matters.

The best thing to do is where possible surround yourself with mature intelligent people who will be able to cope with the ups and downs of a friendship without behaving like a child.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 15:48:32

I really wish now that I had let the friendship drift. I saw it from the point of view that if someone was ditching me I'd rather know why, so I could work things out with them and so that I didn't feel confused. I think though, like you say, she behaves like a child, so no matter what I'd have done she would have had a hissy fit at me at some point.

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 15:48:55

There have always been lots of threads on mumsnet from women who've been apparently dumped by friends and are bewildered and clueless about why. Personally, I think it's much kinder to be honest if you want the relatonship to change (as in the OP's case) or end completely.

something2say Wed 26-Jun-13 17:13:32

I don't think you are falling out with people all the time. I think you are sailing through life having to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly and these things happen.

My advice would be, when the things happen, which they do, accept that they are challenging and do some self esteem bolstering. Say to yourself that you are a good person, you do the right thing and you are kind and decent. Repeat repeat repeat. Feel better x

wonderingagain Wed 26-Jun-13 17:22:08

You're not a difficult person, you are a person that holds guilt well. You need to let go of this - people like you are rare and special, they are honest and truthful. You are simply asserting yourself in perfectly acceptable situations.

You should had been more assertive when the problems started happened by telling the little girl off straight away, or by ignoring your friend or making her know she was draining. That's what everyone else does. Nip it in the bud and then you can focus on the people you do get on with.

Nonalphamum Wed 26-Jun-13 17:22:39

When I spoke to the friend I tried to confront she said to me that I can't keep falling out with people, and I have to learn to get on with others. I think she was just saying that as I wouldn't do as she wanted any longer though

wonderingagain Wed 26-Jun-13 17:29:19

She's probably just a bit of a bully. You need to learn that just because you're a nice person it doesn't mean everyone else is too!

something2say Wed 26-Jun-13 17:36:32

So she tried to manipulate you back into line. That says more about her than you x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now