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Update on EA

(866 Posts)
faulkernegger Wed 26-Jun-13 13:53:22

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Val007 Mon 29-Jul-13 18:09:00

The affair has now been consumated. They don't need to send too many texts and e-mails because it is on another level now. He is throwing dust in your eyes by been a 'good' boy on holiday so he can use the leverage later when you're back at home, so that he could meet her...

Listen to me, I was with a cheater. I put tracing programme on his computer, I confiscated his phone, I was snooping on him day and night. Did this stop him? Nooooo. Did this make me look like a crazy lunatic? Yeeeees! I am still dealing with the emotional consequences. I should have just showed him the door - there and then. No snooping, nothing.

So sorry for you, but really you should have nipped it in the bud there and then - when your first thread started. I am afraid it is too late now...

BerylStreep Mon 29-Jul-13 20:06:26

Val, perhaps a bit harsh?

Val007 Tue 30-Jul-13 07:51:26

Harsh will hurt for a shorter time, and sugar-coated might hurt for years. I know what I would choose... sad

AnyFucker Germany Tue 30-Jul-13 08:07:53

Me too, Val

Buzzardbird Tue 30-Jul-13 09:03:02

Blimey, he is not really even pretending to try is he? Changing his passwords staf? He'd be changing his address if he was mine!

lazarusb Tue 30-Jul-13 13:44:51

You are at the stage I mentioned - agony when he gets a text or e-mail. Of course, no way to follow those up when they arrive now because of the password changes. He can do what he likes, can't he? Keep you sweet for a couple of weeks then back to square one. Has he told you about e-mail yet? I'm guessing not. Nor has he explained the new passwords I'm sure. Please value yourself more highly, you deserve him to at least fight for you - not placate you and keep you quiet.

lazarusb Tue 30-Jul-13 13:45:21

I can only imagine how the big 'goodbye' went at that last lesson.

PuggyMum Tue 30-Jul-13 15:25:51

No no no to Stephen Fry on twitter! I use twitter and you don't get alerts like that! Don't let him fool you op.

I'm sorry but I agree with others. You need to really toughen up.

PuggyMum Tue 30-Jul-13 15:31:57

And I follow Stephen Fry myself so just had a quick check. He tweeted at 22.02 on the 27th then nothing until 28th at 17.27. No 3.30am tweets that just your hubby got an alert for.....

OP is on holiday, perhaps the time difference caused the 3.30 am tweet?

Still, you are being too nice, all sweetness and light like your sister suggested. This isn't good for your self respect, it sounds like you're desperate to cling on to any good vibes he gives off.

Where's your self esteem, have you asked him about the changes he's made to the phone, what excuse did he come up with?

kezLOU1977 Tue 30-Jul-13 16:27:31

Oh come on and smell the coffee! What a load of bull crap!!! The best way to show your spouse, partner or whatever that you are a person to be trusted is to disable all your locks and passwords so that they can check on you whenever they want, not to lock and password all the modes of communication making it pretty obvious that something (god knows what but I have an idea) is going on! I have seen it all before and it'll only end in tears, yours if you keep this up. He needs to prove he's not still talking to her and letting you read his texts first and maybe answering some of his calls will put your mind at rest (if he is telling the truth of course) and it should be no skin off his nose.
Like I always say, if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to worry about.

PuggyMum Tue 30-Jul-13 16:35:37

Ah good point YouStay.... It was the tweet alert that riled me!

Jan45 Tue 30-Jul-13 16:38:44

The OW sounds about 16 years old. I know you think you want to keep a hold of him but all you are doing is allowing yourself to be continually hurt and humiliated - get him out, then you can think straight about if you actually really do still want him, I suspect you might be surprised to find out what you really think, at the moment you are in shock, man woman mode and will do anything to keep him, it's not real, it's desparation due to the situation he has put you in. Give yourself at least some time on your own or with family and friends so you can actually make a rational decision.

lazarusb Tue 30-Jul-13 16:59:19

I think what really worries me is that the OP always sounds so deflated...if there is any anger on her part I'm missing it. She just sounds as though she wants the status quo resumed as quickly and quietly as possible.

No matter what the cost. sad

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Thu 01-Aug-13 08:30:34

No, the status quo is unsatisfactory - that's what led to all this in the first place. I think so would prefer to pretend it hasn't happened. Yes, I am deflated. For the last 6 months I've been helping my sister through her marital crisis (much worse than mine) and I can't believe it's happening to me. Holiday has been good but not enough effort from dp imo. He's acting as if everything is normal. Can't talk because dc always nearby. He's just asked me if everything's ok because I'm sitting here quietly typing.

onefewernow Thu 01-Aug-13 08:52:20

I see you feel very sad, and I don't blame you.

Oh Faulk what a crap time sad

Has he explained why he changed the passwords? Does he really not get it?

Sorry it's being the holiday you didn't want sad.

He isn't making any effort, just wants to go back to how things were before you became aware.

Has he explained the change in passwords?

lazarusb Thu 01-Aug-13 10:11:43

I think when you get back you need to get someone to have the children for a few hours and then tell him he needs to go for a while. Just to give you a chance to think. Hopefully it will wake him up to what he stands to lose. He isn't addressing this the way he ought to be.

No wonder you are emotionally drained if you've been supporting your sister. But you do need and deserve some time for yourself too.

You sound so nice, I'd love to be able to tell him some home truths on your behalf. You sound far too good to lose. If he can't see that, he's an idiot.

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 12:25:52

Unless you ask him to go (even for a few days) you are never going to see the picture clearly, not whilst he is in your face and thoughts every day - you want to hang on but you're hanging on to something that is no longer there - you can't just sweep it all under a carpet and pat his brow as he pines for the OW - you really will and are destroying your self esteem and self worth and for what - is he really that bloody amazing to have???

Be kind to you, not him, give yourself peace and space to decide what YOU want to do, it's all about him and his needs, poor wee soul, he does the worse thing possible and you're there lending a hand - seriously, get a grip!

RinseAndRepeat Thu 01-Aug-13 12:39:07

Him changing his passwords is a massive red flag. And an enormous 'fuck you' to you.

Can't understand why you're not furious OP.

onefewernow Thu 01-Aug-13 17:23:59

The thing is, OP, your mood and feelings on this holiday are indicative of how it will be if this is not bottomed out.

This not getting to the bottom of things just carries on and on, with nobody communicating openly and trust further eroded.

And if he is still in contact with her, you will be miserable and he won't need to be. Is it worth the silence?

ProphetOfDoom Thu 01-Aug-13 18:12:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam Thu 01-Aug-13 18:30:06

What would his response be if you were to ask him to tell you his new password? And why he's changed it?

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 18:34:42

BTW, is there a time difference which accounts for the Stephen Fry tweet in the middle of the night? Did you actually see it?

Has he been disappearing off on holiday on his own? Phone into the loo type thing?

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