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Update on EA

(866 Posts)
faulkernegger Wed 26-Jun-13 13:53:22

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

AuntieStella Wed 26-Jun-13 13:59:01

I tend to agree with you - whether an affair is physical or emotional, I cannot see the point in attempting a reconciliation if it has not been broken off.

Individual counselling for you may well be helpful anyhow - not to try to fix things when he is not doing his part, but to explore your feelings and attitudes and work out what you want to do.

What sort of future do you want? Does he have any part in it?

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 13:59:31

Send her a text (she won't recognize your number) saying: ''I know.''

Then sit back and see what happens.

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 26-Jun-13 14:12:37

Unfortunately for you OP the only decision your husband seems to have taken is to hide his involvement with this woman from you. He may well try to justify this by using your suspicions as an excuse for driving him on further.
If he was serious he would apologise and realise he was being totally inappropriate not say he was doing it because of what you thought of it.

If he hasn't done so already he is moving into the next phase of making this a full blown affair. He is living in a fantasy land right now and only he can drag himself out of it. The only questions are how much damage will he do between now and then and will you still be there?

Only you can answer the latter, but bear in mind you can't save it if he won't do anything to help.

I agree with individual counselling for you to work out your own position. A lot of people who do give it another go end things a few months, years later because they were clinging to the relationship as it was, not how it had become after the infidelity and realise the relationship they have now isn't one they want to be in.

ChipsNEggs Wed 26-Jun-13 14:16:02

I'm sorry this is still going on. Sounds to be that it has got more serious and is possibly now a full blown affair. He is trying to cover his tracks.

You've already got proof of his lying to you. So are you just going to sit back and take it?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 26-Jun-13 14:16:27

Give him more time to end what, exactly? I disagree with your sister that he should have more time although I agree with her that there's an 'it'.

I think he's lying to you. I don't think that he's going to end 'it' with this woman. I think he's going to have a bloody good go at hiding 'it'

myroomisatip Wed 26-Jun-13 14:37:34

He is lying to you. He knows you are on to him, obviously, and is making more effort to fool you and carry on doing exactly as he pleases.

I would ask him to leave. Pack his bag!

myroom has it right.
He needs to understand you are NOT going to stand for this anymore.
Pack him a bag right now.
Send him a text and tell him it's in the front garden and he can collect it on his way to where ever he is going but it's certainly not back to you and your home.
Your sister (sorry) sounds like a really passive person and you should not listen to her.
So he's lying to you and probably cheating on you.
He is certainly emotionally cheating on you and probably physically by now and you should;
back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it
No you should certainly NOT do this. That's just plain accepting it and letting him know you'll put up with it!
Get him out for now. Get yourself some head space and let him have a good hard think about life without you.
After a couple of weeks you can get together for a chat and see how that pans out.
Sorry you are still going through this.

piratecat Wed 26-Jun-13 15:26:26

is this the husband who teaches music?

something to do with a flan/pie. or am i wrong ( sorry if i am op)

faulkernegger Wed 26-Jun-13 15:37:12

Hi piratecat - yes it is. (asparagus tart).
Some more questions - bearing in mind I have children, I am unwilling to cause huge upheaval.
If he has feelings for this woman, he is probably hard for him to just put an end to it all. He said to me - what shall I tell her? and I said - the truth, and that if she is truly his friend she will understand. I'm not being soft, I was in a similar position myself about 20 yrs ago and I couldn't finish it and ended up leaving. Worst decision ever and I wish I'd been stronger.
Do I say that I know about the phone calls and texts and WHEN is he going to finish it?
Do I give it another few days because he may just be plucking up courage or trying to find the right words?
Do I back off and be distant, or loving (showing him how absolutely marvellous I am hmm?
Real, practical step by step help needed.

faulkernegger Wed 26-Jun-13 15:38:41

Do I contact the other person's H?

Sparklysilversequins Wed 26-Jun-13 16:20:53

Don't contact the other persons H.

Tell him to get out. This is completely unacceptable. He is having a relationship with someone else while married to you. Giving it time will only cement it further.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Jun-13 16:26:40

I would be very matter of act about it. Pick a moment where there's no chance for high drama or a scene. Somewhere mundane. Don't explain how you found out, don't bother inviting him to explain.

"You know that conversation we had the other day? Rather than me wait for you to come clean like I gave you the chance to, I'm now going to ask you to pack a bag and go away for a few days. We'll tell the children it's work or you need to be somewhere. Because this isn't working is it".

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Jun-13 16:26:59

Fact not act, sorry.

ChipsNEggs Wed 26-Jun-13 16:30:04

He is just going to keep hiding from you. Tell him you know he lied and then chuck him out. Recognising that he might lose you is the only way you're going to salvage this as talking isn't working. Throw him out and get your head together, he'll continue to take you for a mug otherwise.

garlicnutty Wed 26-Jun-13 16:39:26

I'm sorry to say I agree, Faulk. Please don't get into arguments or debates about how you know or what you know. You gave him the option to stop deceiving you; he chose to keep on lying. He seems incredibly sure you'll keep putting up with it - he's got to learn you're not obliged to!

I'm very cross with him. You sound so lovely, and he's really taking the piss.

Cocktailsorcakes Wed 26-Jun-13 16:52:19

Pack him a bag & tell him you need some space & time to think about what he has done. Insist he gives you this. Do not tell him you know he is still in contact with her. Do not tell him you can see his mobile bills. Use this time to think about how you want to deal with it.

You can tell DCs he is working away or helping a friend out by house sitting. Or (depending on their ages) tell them the truth, daddy got too friendly with Z and you both need time to think about your relationship. Kids aren't stupid and may respect your honesty at this time. Or not, they are your kids and you know them best.

Try not to engage with him while he is away about anything other than DCs.

Really think about you, what you want from your relationship and look honestly at whether he will be able to give you this. Individual councelling (& joint councelling if you feel he has earned it) can help with this.

You would not be human if you didn't check his mobile bill while he was away but if you do look at what you see properly. If he is in contact with her do not make excuses for it. He told you he would stop and he hasnt. Really look at what this means. If he hasn't contacted her do you think it's because he's stopped or because he doesn't need to as he can see her more freely now. Look at your response to what you find out.

And ask yourself if you think you can ever trust him again, do you really want to be checking his phone bills this time next year?

Much love, youre in a shitty place but facing up to it is the best way to get out of it.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 16:58:04

I thought you were being played massively on your previous thread, and you still are

Your sister is a complete sap...don't follow her line of passivity

Tell him to leave. He is clearly telling you one thing and doing another and just like you were told repeatedly on your other thread he is doing it in plain sight

You crossed over the line from worried wife to mug some time ago, I am afraid. How can you look this cheating man in the eye, but more importantly how can you see a woman with any self respect at all when you look in the mirror ? confused

Xales Wed 26-Jun-13 17:54:40

He is taking his phone into the toilet and lying to you about it.

He looked you in the eye and said he is going to not contact this woman as much because you thought something was going on.

He is now contacting her more than ever.

There is something going on

He thinks you are a fucking idiot. He has no respect for you. He does not give a shit about how you are feeling.

The only thing of interest to him is the happiness he is getting from his contact with this other woman.

You need to stop being passive and giving him time to end it. End what? Your marriage?

Tell him plainly and bluntly enough is enough. Tell him you are not a fucking idiot. Tell him you deserve a lot better than the shit he is handing you. Tell him you have seen his mobile bill. If you find one more text, one more lie he is out. And mean it. If he blusters, accuses you of spying or changes the password get him out there and then.

You deserve better than this shitty treatment.

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 26-Jun-13 19:26:37

Look, your children already know there's something going on. What are you going to teach them about relationships? Take anything so long as it doesn't make waves?

You can behave with dignity and draw a line in the sand that says this is what I will not tolerate and mean it.

You can't save a marriage one person has already checked out of. You do need to let him know that when you entered the marriage you expected exclusivity and if he is not prepared to do that he needs to leave.

I honestly don't know how this will turn out for you. Maybe bringing him crashing back to reality by asking him to leave until he is ready to be honest about your relationship will bring him to his senses, maybe he will see it as carte blanche. However smiling passively and taking whatever he has to throw at you is disrespectful to you and believe me if your children were astute enough to know something wasn't right then you have done a good job teaching them personal respect, by lying down and accepting this you are undoing that work and telling them self respect means nothing.

Would you rather they learn to accept anything or that only honesty and mutual respect are acceptable in a relationship?

I'm not saying chuck him out but I am saying don't accept the status quo, let him know you are not prepared to sit smiling pleasantly by while he has a mid life crisis and if that is truly what he wants he needs to be the one to go be free.
He doesn't have to leave, he can go get counselling to find out what drew him to her, find a hobby any number of things.
You draw your line in the sand and its up to him whether he thinks its worth the risk of crossing it. All you need to do is decide what you will do if he does cross it.

MrsLion Sat 29-Jun-13 16:22:25

OP I saw your other thread too but didn't post then.
I'm sorry this is still going on.
You wanted some practical advice...

Firstly, do NOT do as your sister suggests. This is crap, weak and completely useless advice. 

Secondly, do NOT see this as a competition with the other woman where you try and 'win' his affections back by outdoing her. It's not going to work and it just 'rewards' his selfish, immature behaviour with you pampering and pandering over him.

What other posters say is absolutely right. To save your marriage you need to drastically change the status quo. There needs to be a very real, serious and detrimental consequence for him behaving like this. The most effective thing is to tell him to leave.

You need to understand that unless you make this stand, this will not stop.

I get the feeling you're scared he'll actually leave for good, that they'll get together and by throwing him out you'll push him closer to this woman.

Back yourself. He doesnt sound like he wants to lose you- he just wants to have his cake and eat it. 
You deserve more. 
You are his wife and mother of his children and you and the dc deserve to be number 1 in his life. This woman has no place to take this role and you have every right to put a stop to this.

Your best weapon on this is to make it very hard for him to continue to have his cake and eat it. He won't dislike you, or see her as 'nicer' and 'better' -he'll respect you and it will shock him into thinking he's actually got an enormous amount to lose.

Providing this is still at the EA stage, I also suspect that once this 'friendship' is suddenly the cause of a separation and therefore outside the innocent boundaries of oh but nothings's going on, we're both married! she'll withdraw very quickly from him.

loopylou6 Sat 29-Jun-13 16:37:22

Am I reading this right? You know he's lying to you, you highly suspect hes having an affair, but you want to 'wait till he ends it' confused

You're even willing to be more affectionate in the hope he decides to pick you?

I can assure you, I get no pleasure from saying this, but im gonna be brutal.

You need a MASSIVE dose of self respect.

Fairenuff Sat 29-Jun-13 20:38:38

Hi Faulk I was on your other thread. It's no surprise that this is carrying on, of course. On your other thread everyone told you to tell him to end all contact with this woman. You ignored that.

It sounds to me like you don't want to end the relationship. That you are willing to accept his cheating?

I also say pack him a bag and kick him out. It'll probably put an end to the affair anyway as she will be scared you will tell her Dh and drop him herself.
He's a lying toad. The increase in calls and messages is probably the pair of them trying to figure out how to keep it all going and be better about you and her Dh not knowing.

Mixxy Sun 30-Jun-13 05:16:45

I don't know how much more proof you really need. If you want to try to work things out with him, I would go the route suggested above by waddlecakes of texting her with just, "I know".

Otherwise, and the more sane, self-respecting option is to tell him to move out and don't look back. Doesn't your DD already suspect the affair? The lesson you are teaching her right now is that as a wife, you should be a
doormat.

I know this is tough but this is a mess of his making. He has refused to clean it up, so sweep him out on his arse.

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