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I don't want a huge blow up with H over this, so need opinions please

(358 Posts)
Loutwenty Wed 26-Jun-13 11:28:06

I don't know where to start really. This is long, sorry, I am just so confused at the moment.

Been with dh for 2 1/2 years, married for just over 1. We got together quite fast as I was having a terrible relationship breakdown with exh, so we moved in together after only 6 months. I had been married 12 years but living separate lives for 10 of them. I have a 10 year old child from that marriage.

I don't work, but I study full time. DH works, but in a job he hates, he did a stupid uni course as a mature student at 25, graduated shortly after we moved in together and couldn't find the mystical job that he hankered after (the route he took isn't a route into them anyway iyswim). So now he has a boring, normal job -- and is not a rock star like he spent his early 20s thinking he'd be, this is apparently, my fault as now he has responsibilities --

I was a sahm during my first marriage, my ex worked abroad during the week and we lived in rural scotland, so I kind of had to be! I married young too, so never had much work experience, aside from a bit of freelance stuff pre 20, so when I left, I was floundering.

Last sept I started college and I have totally found myself. I have studied a subject I love, so much so that I have excelled and done a couple of further courses myself and at my own expense to further my knowledge.

However, I am at a crossroads at the moment where in order to continue I can do a degree. My father and ex always told me I was thick. My father said I was so stupid that there was no point in staying at school post 16, and my ex was very successful and talked down to me always. Since studying, I know that's not true. I have passed with all distinctions, my tutors have been behind me all the way and are pushing me to skip a level and go to a degree.

Ok so two issues!

1) I study hard. Really, really hard, not only with the course I have been doing, but with the additional courses I have taken on. I have a criminal law level 3 qualification to complete over the summer, it is not easy. But yet, because I am in the house more, doing 'nothing' (!) as he says, all house work falls to me. He does not lift a finger. He will 'help' wash up a couple of times a week, but he lets me firmly know he is 'helping' me and expects full on, falling to my knees gratitude.

I make him breakfast in bed every morning, regardless of if I am leaving half an hour earlier than him to get to college, I run his bath, wash his hair. All this for an easy life or he sulks. I am not well today and stressed. So I didn't get out of bed before him as usual. He usually has to start getting dressed at 7.50, by 7.30 he was already huffing as I hadn't got up to get his breakfast and coffee. 7.40 ds comes in with his cereal - a 10 year old puts him to shame lol - so I get up, feed the cats and stupidly make his breakfast as I couldn't face a strop. He could tell I was upset, so asks why (but not in a concerned way, he gets pissed off at me when I am upset) so I tell him, just for once, I am fed up of the morning waitress service. So then he says, well, I wan't hungry anyway and throws a strop that he won't be able to drink his coffee, it will be too hot.

He has his dinner cooked and ready for when he walks through the door as well, regardless of if I am eating or not. My first husband was a shit, but he never, ever expected anyone to cook and clean up after him, so I have never experienced this before. Is this normal? I feel like a housekeeper, I hate it. I know he works, but really, to do nothing in your own home? when I talk to him, he says to tell him what needs doing and he will. But a) He is not a teenager and I am not his mother b) this is his home too, I am not the boss of cleaning and c) he gets in such a mood if I do ask him to do anything. He'll do it, but it's not worth the sulking afterwards.

When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop acting like I have a hard life.

2) With regard to study, I have been offered an amazing chance to do a degree I will love. But I will have to commit to three years, hard wok with pretty full on work placements. We want another child. I have had several MC, so I can't wait any longer, certainly not 3 or 4 years, I am 34. So I am looking into OU degrees as they will be more compatible.

DH isnt happy about any of this. He says he will support me, but this week keeps throwing hissy fits, about how much he hates his job, how it's not fair and I can't complain as at least I am doing something I want to do. It's not my fault that, by his own admission, he did a degree which would basically buy him 3 more years 'free' drinking time' in his mid 20's. It is also not my fault that I have turned out to be more intelligent than people thought I was.

And I know that if I do OU, I will get the 'I got to work!' card thrown at me and I will be doing all the house, studying and looking after a baby on my own.

I am confused and I don't know what to do for the best, or, if I want to stay with him at all at the moment.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:26

OP, are you still around ?

Patosshades Fri 28-Jun-13 18:42:55

I wish you all the best OP, but for the love of god for your own self respect don't wash his hair or bring him his breakfast in bed anymore. I think I would actually die laughing if my DH suggested this and then sulked at no complaince.

Please set a very firm timeline in your head, if nothing changes kick him out the bathroom window.

There is something jarring about this thread- the guy is clearly a twat and the op finds him loathsome - I haven't heard a ppartner described with such contempt - so why not go? Let him find another hair washer and op can get on with her life...

GeekLove Fri 28-Jun-13 09:29:22

He seems jealous of the fact that despite your difficult circumstances you ate doing well in the path you have chosen. He sounds like mummy's little prince but also be wary of the fact he may well choose to sabotage your work. I came close to having that happen to me when I was still at school by a boyfriend who was jealous of my academic achievements. Tread very carefully as he is dangerous for your studies and career as well as setting a terrible example to your son.

angeltulips Fri 28-Jun-13 08:49:14

I think it's pretty clear you got married waaaay too fast to this guy. If you were my IRL friend I would be telling you to leave & commit to a period of time alone to work on yourself.

The man child is neither here nor there - I think if it wasn't him it would be someone equally unsuitable.

AThingInYourLife Fri 28-Jun-13 00:22:36

"In what way, pray, is he "an idependent kind of young man, well able to look after himself"?"

In no way.

That's my point.

If he was that kind of man he wouldn't have been interested in providing the money for a woman who was prepared to wash his hair for him.

"What exactly are you contributing, and why do you imagine anybody is interested?"

I'm contributing my take on the OP, same as everyone else.

I don't imagine people are interested, any more than they might be interested in what anyone else has to say.

But I do seem to be imagining a recent conversation on here using a lot of these same words. It's quite weird.

suburbophobe Thu 27-Jun-13 22:44:24

And if he was an independent kind of young man, well able to look after himself...

Have you even bothered to read the thread? Never mind the OP.

This is a grown man that still expects mummy wife to run his bath, wash his hair, bring breakfast in bed 365 days a year, pack his lunch AND put it in his bag, and sulks if she doesn't ...

In what way, pray, is he "an idependent kind of young man, well able to look after himself"?

suburbophobe Thu 27-Jun-13 22:29:26

the "childcare" is the childcare for her own son!

shock

So you don't believe in blended families then...?

Childcare is something done outside of the home.

Parents take care of their own children, even if they are 2nd/3rd etc. relationships/marriages with all the children included.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 27-Jun-13 21:41:25

"I mainly stay for my ds. He never knew me and his father were not a 'proper' couple. We hid it well. So well, that no one knew, and when I finally left, ex h played the spurned partner and said i'd had an affair. He used to laugh about it to me, how sorry he's made people feel for him. As far as ds is concerned, I took him away from his dad. And now he has a stepdad who he loves, I can't take that from him to. He feels secure now. I can't hurt him"

Haven't read every single post but the above from the OP really stands out.

Lou I think if you continue in your current relationship 'for your ds sake' then you will be repeating history/previous behaviour patterns. I mean that in the sense that your relationship will be a sham, you'll be with someone not necessarily because you want to be but because you think its the best way to avoid hurting your ds. As you and his father did all those years before.

I think its wonderful that you've found your calling with your studies and I'd urge you to pursue them - but to do so in a way where you don't feel beholden to anyone else. That is so important. I agree with others that you should definitely not be thinking about having a baby the way your relationship currently stands. You clearly moved in together at haste and it's obvious that you're drifting apart in opposite directions. From what you have said here, it doesn't sound like an ideal partnership for either of you tbh.

I don't mind cooking breakfast for my dp, not every day though and certainly not if it was expected of me! I'd resent it and would feel like an unpaid skivvy. Please stop cooking him breakfast, he'll live. There's something to be said for the old adage, 'start as you mean to go on' although with the benefit of hindsight and all that...

Sorry but I've never heard of anyone washing their partner's hair (in a daily cleansing routine sense. I know we're all different, can maybe understand if done afterwards if things got a bit steamy between you both in the shower or something confused... but other than that scenario, NO WAY!). Oh unless they were ill or couldn't do it for some medical/injury reason. I think you and your dp need to have a very serious discussion about your respective futures.

I truly hope that you find a way to pursue your course and do what is right for you and your ds. Congratulations on your achievements so far!

Your father's comment about you being 'too thick' is deplorable! No wonder you chose a partner who said similar sad

Whocansay Thu 27-Jun-13 20:25:54

You sound as bad as each other, tbh.

You seem to be staying with this guy so he can fund your studying and possibly father another child. You don't seem to like or respect him. You mock his dreams of being a rock star and belittle the fact that he has to live in the real world and work, but you seem to think that its ok to follow your dreams an spend thousands on an OU course. I think you need to take hard look at yourself.

Oh, and stop making his fucking breakfast. You're doing neither him or yourself any favours by becoming his mother.

captainmummy Thu 27-Jun-13 20:12:11

I've reported your post, athing. I think it was offensive and uncalled for.

BOF Thu 27-Jun-13 19:42:52

It's one thing to take the piss out of someone derailing a thread with unfounded angst about the menz, and quite another to baselessly insult an OP who is trying to find support and advice in the Relationships section. That just smacks of cruel goading, and is totally against the spirit of the community. What exactly are you contributing, and why do you imagine anybody is interested?

solarbright Thu 27-Jun-13 19:37:28

Still see no advantage to being married to this guy. Life without all the sulking and hair washing and making of breakfast in bed and general whinging would surely be better.

5madthings Thu 27-Jun-13 19:05:14

athing she supported him for a year and a half whilst he studied and looked for a job.

She is also on the pill and not trying to get preg.

Op you do need to get out of this relationship, i hope the time at your friends helps you clear your head and you realise you dont need this man.

AThingInYourLife Thu 27-Jun-13 18:59:27

Kind of like telling a man he's a loser who can't get a girlfriend.

Although that was just tediously lame.

BOF Thu 27-Jun-13 18:37:00

How tediously offensive.

AThingInYourLife Thu 27-Jun-13 18:11:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

solarbright Thu 27-Jun-13 17:51:09

I don't think you're any sort of scrounger and I think your career plans sound brilliant. You and your DS have a bright future ahead of you.

I'm still not clear why you're in this marriage??

ThreeTomatoes Thu 27-Jun-13 17:46:20

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.

Those saying that the OP is using him and he's enabling her to do what she's doing, I'd say think again.

Although I suspect things might be different now what with funding cuts, I was much better off studying when I was lone parent. I had all my fees paid, plus a £250 grant each year - and a computer grant to pay for a new laptop at the beginning. All from the OU. I worked part-time, am a mum, and studied part time. Had a chunk of my rent paid in HB and tax credits too, of course.

I'm still studying (it's gonna take me 10 years altogether to get my degree, I'm 6 years in!), and working a lot more hours than I was then (not quite FT), am with DP and now have to pay all my fees .(Thankfully under transitional arrangements - the fees have risen astronomically). I was skint when I was an LP, of course, but I've been skinter as a couple tbh, though things are starting to look up as we've both now increased our hours/salaries.

OP you'd be better off without this manchild in so many ways.

DoesBuggerAll Thu 27-Jun-13 16:17:40

BOF - lol.

I think my wife would have something to say if I got a girlfriend.

Lou - go for it. It really does sound as if you'd both be better off apart. Don't have a baby with him. I am quite sure he doesn't want one with you either.

Awks Thu 27-Jun-13 16:14:33

Try explaining to the behavioural psychologist why you are still with a man like this - that will be an interesting conversation in the tea room!

Seriously, just tell him to jog on and stop doing the daft stuff. He'll either suck it up after sulking for a bit or he wont and then you will know you have to leave.

Your uni work sounds brilliant, well done.

Timetoask Thu 27-Jun-13 16:04:04

I haven't read 14 pages of thread!!!
But I think that:
1- You started your new life with this man too soon, you didn't know him well enough.
2- You are not his servant! Breakfast in bed every morning? It really doesn't sound like an equal partnership. I really do not see you living with this guy for the rest of your life
3- Focus on your wonderful new career prospects. Do you really want to have a baby with this man?

Loutwenty Thu 27-Jun-13 16:04:00

His pocket money was supposed to be for all of us. Ex fleeces me and then wouldn't pay maintainance until he had to.

Dhs mother is so nice, she offered us £200 per month to help out.

I said no. I couldn't take her money. But dh does.

AThingInYourLife Thu 27-Jun-13 16:02:16

Well he didn't put a gun to your head either.

And you've done quite nicely out of the arrangement.

It doesn't sound like you like each other very much (for understandable reasons on both sides), so just call it quits.

And you should do whatever it takes to do this degree with placements etc.

This is your time, and you need to grab it.

BeCool Thu 27-Jun-13 16:01:30

Ignore the shit stirrers Lou - what you are doing with your studies is brilliant and it will change your world.

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