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I don't want a huge blow up with H over this, so need opinions please

(358 Posts)
Loutwenty Wed 26-Jun-13 11:28:06

I don't know where to start really. This is long, sorry, I am just so confused at the moment.

Been with dh for 2 1/2 years, married for just over 1. We got together quite fast as I was having a terrible relationship breakdown with exh, so we moved in together after only 6 months. I had been married 12 years but living separate lives for 10 of them. I have a 10 year old child from that marriage.

I don't work, but I study full time. DH works, but in a job he hates, he did a stupid uni course as a mature student at 25, graduated shortly after we moved in together and couldn't find the mystical job that he hankered after (the route he took isn't a route into them anyway iyswim). So now he has a boring, normal job -- and is not a rock star like he spent his early 20s thinking he'd be, this is apparently, my fault as now he has responsibilities --

I was a sahm during my first marriage, my ex worked abroad during the week and we lived in rural scotland, so I kind of had to be! I married young too, so never had much work experience, aside from a bit of freelance stuff pre 20, so when I left, I was floundering.

Last sept I started college and I have totally found myself. I have studied a subject I love, so much so that I have excelled and done a couple of further courses myself and at my own expense to further my knowledge.

However, I am at a crossroads at the moment where in order to continue I can do a degree. My father and ex always told me I was thick. My father said I was so stupid that there was no point in staying at school post 16, and my ex was very successful and talked down to me always. Since studying, I know that's not true. I have passed with all distinctions, my tutors have been behind me all the way and are pushing me to skip a level and go to a degree.

Ok so two issues!

1) I study hard. Really, really hard, not only with the course I have been doing, but with the additional courses I have taken on. I have a criminal law level 3 qualification to complete over the summer, it is not easy. But yet, because I am in the house more, doing 'nothing' (!) as he says, all house work falls to me. He does not lift a finger. He will 'help' wash up a couple of times a week, but he lets me firmly know he is 'helping' me and expects full on, falling to my knees gratitude.

I make him breakfast in bed every morning, regardless of if I am leaving half an hour earlier than him to get to college, I run his bath, wash his hair. All this for an easy life or he sulks. I am not well today and stressed. So I didn't get out of bed before him as usual. He usually has to start getting dressed at 7.50, by 7.30 he was already huffing as I hadn't got up to get his breakfast and coffee. 7.40 ds comes in with his cereal - a 10 year old puts him to shame lol - so I get up, feed the cats and stupidly make his breakfast as I couldn't face a strop. He could tell I was upset, so asks why (but not in a concerned way, he gets pissed off at me when I am upset) so I tell him, just for once, I am fed up of the morning waitress service. So then he says, well, I wan't hungry anyway and throws a strop that he won't be able to drink his coffee, it will be too hot.

He has his dinner cooked and ready for when he walks through the door as well, regardless of if I am eating or not. My first husband was a shit, but he never, ever expected anyone to cook and clean up after him, so I have never experienced this before. Is this normal? I feel like a housekeeper, I hate it. I know he works, but really, to do nothing in your own home? when I talk to him, he says to tell him what needs doing and he will. But a) He is not a teenager and I am not his mother b) this is his home too, I am not the boss of cleaning and c) he gets in such a mood if I do ask him to do anything. He'll do it, but it's not worth the sulking afterwards.

When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop acting like I have a hard life.

2) With regard to study, I have been offered an amazing chance to do a degree I will love. But I will have to commit to three years, hard wok with pretty full on work placements. We want another child. I have had several MC, so I can't wait any longer, certainly not 3 or 4 years, I am 34. So I am looking into OU degrees as they will be more compatible.

DH isnt happy about any of this. He says he will support me, but this week keeps throwing hissy fits, about how much he hates his job, how it's not fair and I can't complain as at least I am doing something I want to do. It's not my fault that, by his own admission, he did a degree which would basically buy him 3 more years 'free' drinking time' in his mid 20's. It is also not my fault that I have turned out to be more intelligent than people thought I was.

And I know that if I do OU, I will get the 'I got to work!' card thrown at me and I will be doing all the house, studying and looking after a baby on my own.

I am confused and I don't know what to do for the best, or, if I want to stay with him at all at the moment.

suburbophobe Thu 27-Jun-13 22:29:26

the "childcare" is the childcare for her own son!

shock

So you don't believe in blended families then...?

Childcare is something done outside of the home.

Parents take care of their own children, even if they are 2nd/3rd etc. relationships/marriages with all the children included.

suburbophobe Thu 27-Jun-13 22:44:24

And if he was an independent kind of young man, well able to look after himself...

Have you even bothered to read the thread? Never mind the OP.

This is a grown man that still expects mummy wife to run his bath, wash his hair, bring breakfast in bed 365 days a year, pack his lunch AND put it in his bag, and sulks if she doesn't ...

In what way, pray, is he "an idependent kind of young man, well able to look after himself"?

AThingInYourLife Fri 28-Jun-13 00:22:36

"In what way, pray, is he "an idependent kind of young man, well able to look after himself"?"

In no way.

That's my point.

If he was that kind of man he wouldn't have been interested in providing the money for a woman who was prepared to wash his hair for him.

"What exactly are you contributing, and why do you imagine anybody is interested?"

I'm contributing my take on the OP, same as everyone else.

I don't imagine people are interested, any more than they might be interested in what anyone else has to say.

But I do seem to be imagining a recent conversation on here using a lot of these same words. It's quite weird.

angeltulips Fri 28-Jun-13 08:49:14

I think it's pretty clear you got married waaaay too fast to this guy. If you were my IRL friend I would be telling you to leave & commit to a period of time alone to work on yourself.

The man child is neither here nor there - I think if it wasn't him it would be someone equally unsuitable.

GeekLove Fri 28-Jun-13 09:29:22

He seems jealous of the fact that despite your difficult circumstances you ate doing well in the path you have chosen. He sounds like mummy's little prince but also be wary of the fact he may well choose to sabotage your work. I came close to having that happen to me when I was still at school by a boyfriend who was jealous of my academic achievements. Tread very carefully as he is dangerous for your studies and career as well as setting a terrible example to your son.

There is something jarring about this thread- the guy is clearly a twat and the op finds him loathsome - I haven't heard a ppartner described with such contempt - so why not go? Let him find another hair washer and op can get on with her life...

Patosshades Fri 28-Jun-13 18:42:55

I wish you all the best OP, but for the love of god for your own self respect don't wash his hair or bring him his breakfast in bed anymore. I think I would actually die laughing if my DH suggested this and then sulked at no complaince.

Please set a very firm timeline in your head, if nothing changes kick him out the bathroom window.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:26

OP, are you still around ?

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