Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't want a huge blow up with H over this, so need opinions please(358 Posts)
I don't know where to start really. This is long, sorry, I am just so confused at the moment.
Been with dh for 2 1/2 years, married for just over 1. We got together quite fast as I was having a terrible relationship breakdown with exh, so we moved in together after only 6 months. I had been married 12 years but living separate lives for 10 of them. I have a 10 year old child from that marriage.
I don't work, but I study full time. DH works, but in a job he hates, he did a stupid uni course as a mature student at 25, graduated shortly after we moved in together and couldn't find the mystical job that he hankered after (the route he took isn't a route into them anyway iyswim). So now he has a boring, normal job -- and is not a rock star like he spent his early 20s thinking he'd be, this is apparently, my fault as now he has responsibilities --
I was a sahm during my first marriage, my ex worked abroad during the week and we lived in rural scotland, so I kind of had to be! I married young too, so never had much work experience, aside from a bit of freelance stuff pre 20, so when I left, I was floundering.
Last sept I started college and I have totally found myself. I have studied a subject I love, so much so that I have excelled and done a couple of further courses myself and at my own expense to further my knowledge.
However, I am at a crossroads at the moment where in order to continue I can do a degree. My father and ex always told me I was thick. My father said I was so stupid that there was no point in staying at school post 16, and my ex was very successful and talked down to me always. Since studying, I know that's not true. I have passed with all distinctions, my tutors have been behind me all the way and are pushing me to skip a level and go to a degree.
Ok so two issues!
1) I study hard. Really, really hard, not only with the course I have been doing, but with the additional courses I have taken on. I have a criminal law level 3 qualification to complete over the summer, it is not easy. But yet, because I am in the house more, doing 'nothing' (!) as he says, all house work falls to me. He does not lift a finger. He will 'help' wash up a couple of times a week, but he lets me firmly know he is 'helping' me and expects full on, falling to my knees gratitude.
I make him breakfast in bed every morning, regardless of if I am leaving half an hour earlier than him to get to college, I run his bath, wash his hair. All this for an easy life or he sulks. I am not well today and stressed. So I didn't get out of bed before him as usual. He usually has to start getting dressed at 7.50, by 7.30 he was already huffing as I hadn't got up to get his breakfast and coffee. 7.40 ds comes in with his cereal - a 10 year old puts him to shame lol - so I get up, feed the cats and stupidly make his breakfast as I couldn't face a strop. He could tell I was upset, so asks why (but not in a concerned way, he gets pissed off at me when I am upset) so I tell him, just for once, I am fed up of the morning waitress service. So then he says, well, I wan't hungry anyway and throws a strop that he won't be able to drink his coffee, it will be too hot.
He has his dinner cooked and ready for when he walks through the door as well, regardless of if I am eating or not. My first husband was a shit, but he never, ever expected anyone to cook and clean up after him, so I have never experienced this before. Is this normal? I feel like a housekeeper, I hate it. I know he works, but really, to do nothing in your own home? when I talk to him, he says to tell him what needs doing and he will. But a) He is not a teenager and I am not his mother b) this is his home too, I am not the boss of cleaning and c) he gets in such a mood if I do ask him to do anything. He'll do it, but it's not worth the sulking afterwards.
When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop acting like I have a hard life.
2) With regard to study, I have been offered an amazing chance to do a degree I will love. But I will have to commit to three years, hard wok with pretty full on work placements. We want another child. I have had several MC, so I can't wait any longer, certainly not 3 or 4 years, I am 34. So I am looking into OU degrees as they will be more compatible.
DH isnt happy about any of this. He says he will support me, but this week keeps throwing hissy fits, about how much he hates his job, how it's not fair and I can't complain as at least I am doing something I want to do. It's not my fault that, by his own admission, he did a degree which would basically buy him 3 more years 'free' drinking time' in his mid 20's. It is also not my fault that I have turned out to be more intelligent than people thought I was.
And I know that if I do OU, I will get the 'I got to work!' card thrown at me and I will be doing all the house, studying and looking after a baby on my own.
I am confused and I don't know what to do for the best, or, if I want to stay with him at all at the moment.
Christ, that was long I am sorry.
An fwiw, if I read that, I would ask what I was getting out of the relationship, or say LTB.
I think you have answered your own question there.
So, how are you going to do it? What's the plan?
I feel very sad reading that . You have basically given over your life to someone else to live for you. It's not one but your fault though, just so you know. You were conditioned by your arsehole of a father.
Do NOT have another child with this man. You have a good few years of fertility left. Don't worry about that for now.
Get on that degree course. It is your route out of this life and will enable you to support yourself and your child. Put on blinkers to everything except your dd. BTW NEVER let her take him his breakfast again . While we are at it, don't YOU ever take him breakfast in bed or wash his hair again . He should be embarrassed to be behaving like such a helpless baby. What's wrong with him FFS!? I have never heard the like. I used to wash exes hair sometimes but that was because I loved him and liked doing it to be close to him not because he expected it!
He sees you as nothing more that a servant, sorry but it's true, you are like a housemaid!
I am so reading this.
Ok well first off, well done. Congratulations on finding a course that you love, that you excel at, and putting in the effort to achieve great results and the chance to have a career you love. And well done for not listening to people who think you can't do, good for you, proving them wrong.
I say that because I very much doubt your H has said that to you. I doubt he has taken the time to appreciate and congratulate you on all your hard work.
As for the rest? You already know it's not right that you have to bring his breakfast, regardless of what you are doing, make his dinner the second he gets in, wash his hair etc.
Honestly? He isn't going to be very supportive of you studying and even less supportive if you succeed in a career you love.
In fact I suspect he will go out of his way to make it difficult for you.
Obviously I don't know the ins and out of your relationship but going on what you have written, if it's a choice between making yourself happy, building up your self esteem, being successful, being a great inspiration to your DCs or staying in a relationship with a man who thinks you are worthless, I'd embrace every bit of studying and success and get rid of him.
Oh, if only it was that easy! It's not always easy to walk away.There are many reasons I can't just walk away.
He says I don't talk to him you see. But I do, it's just stuff he doesn't want to hear (like most of the issues above), so it turns into an argument, where I get called unreasonable.
I feel like a house servant at the moment. I feel taken for granted. But then he says he feels taken for granted because he does a job he hates (it's not a bad job really, plenty of prospects and its local government so safe etc, it's just not the glamorous life he naively thought he'd end up with). I can't win.
I would take a baby out of the plan straight away.
I wouldn't be sure if he wants a baby because he wants a baby with you, or because it would keep you home running around after him and completely scupper your plans to progress your career.
My instinct says the latter.
You wash his hair? WTF? Breakfast in bed? No offense but I think you might have a little bit of an odd idea of what is normal - that is not normal! He is an adult right - he can wash his own hair! How demeaning.
I am not sure this is all about the degree decision and more about your relationship. Should you have a child with a man who treats you like this?
Phew what an example of a relationship for your DS too - I would worry he will think this is normal and expect it from his partner.
My DH might get a bit of toast and a coffee in bed on father's day - end of.
Seriously I think as you become more qualified and successful this may not go down well with your husband as he clearly has some set gender role ideas that suit the 50's more than today. Actually not even sure my mum would wash my dad's hair...
I think you've got some serious issues if you say ''we want another child'' on the one hand, and then ''I don't know whether I want to stay with him at all'' on the other.
Does he pay all the bills/rent/food/etc if you're studying? With all due respect (because I know you'll be getting a lot of support on this thread) - it sounds to me like you don't know how to look after yourself.
You married young, have never really worked, from what I can gather from your opening lines went straight from ex husband of 10 years to moving in with this man (possible overlap there? It's ambiguous). I can actually see that from his point of view, he may be picking up on a few things here, whether consciously or subsconciously - because it reads to me as if now that you are starting to ''blossom'' with your studies and different courses, etc, you're suddenly beginning to question your life with him. There may perhaps be a feeling on his side (whether warranted or not), that you relied on him to rescue you from the emotional mess that was your last relationship, and have suddenly done a 360.
It might not be fair of him to think in such a way - but I do think you need to start taking a bit of responsibility for your own life and being a little less passive and reliant. If you feel he mistreats you and you want to concentrate on your studies, then that's great and you should definitely do it. What's holding you back?
Sorry your ds not dd.
'' It's not always easy to walk away.There are many reasons I can't just walk away.''
You don't sound happy.
You wash his hair????!!!!!!!
Only you know if you should leave, but I really would say that now is not the time to have a baby with him.
Only have a baby if your marriage is solid.
And even if it was solid, I'd say things are really promising with your career - so focus on that first!
Putting a new baby and a degree course into this mix is not going to go well. You need to make him listen and tell him how unhappy you are.
Breakfast in bed and you wash his hair? Like a small child?
When and how did that become the established norm?
You have a great opportunity to do a course you love.
Are you absolutely sure you want to have a child with this man?
I know. It's horrible to hear people say it, but I know.
He sees it that he goes to work, pays the rent so when he gets home and at weekends, those few hours are his to relax in.
Mean while, I study all week, when I am at home studying I 'waste', for want of a better word, 2 hours of the day doing the school run, then I have to study, do all the cleaning, shopping etc. It's hard.
He sees that his job is work and my job is the home.
He just sits in bed like some sort of king waiting for his breakfast. If I pull him up on anything though, he always says 'well, I never asked you to do it'. But if I don't, he sulks.
I desperately want a baby. My most recent miscarriage was horrible, I nearly died from blood loss, it's left me distraught.
Did I read this right, you make this man
Breakfast in bed every morning
Run his bath
Wash his hair
Do all the house work
LTB, what exactly will you be missing out on except being this mans personal slave?
I think you can win, long term, by moving on now before you become any more tied to this man. Consider the reasons you can't walk away - they shouldn't be insurmountable. You are an adult and you have the right to live in the way you choose.
You run his bath, wash his hair , bring him breakfast in bed and have dinner on the table as he walks through the door?
WTF?? Are you his maid???
Sorry to say this but you are being a doormat. This is not a normal healthy relationship and he is no better than your ex.
Since you left your ex you have gained confidence in your own abilities and he is holding you back. Men like him don't want women who are ambitious or intelligent, they prefer them tied to the kitchen sink at their beck and call 24/7.
I don't say this a lot on here but in this case I say LTB. Do your OU course and be single for a while. Then you will meet someone worthy of you, who doesn't treat you like his own personal slave.
waddlecakes - we live in an expensive part of the country, his entire wage each month is our rent. DS father pays maintenance and we get tax credits and a small amount of housing benefit. I have to do voluntary work placements for my course and before this only had GCSEs and no work experience or reference so couldn't find a job before I studies and during here has been no time.
I am very competent. I backpacked the world with ds when he was young. I could look after myself.
Wash his hair with Veet next time.
But how do I even talk to him about it? As soon as I start saying that I feel taken for granted, he comes back with 'try doing a job you hate with people you hate for 9 hours a day and then see if you want to do the hoovering, I'm tired and I need rest'.
I can't win.
Then if you can look after yourself, do it. You are questioning whether you should stay with him or not - that should tell you all you need to know.
You may want another baby now, but how does that fit in with your career plans? It doesn't.
I think you probably care for him, but what's keeping you is the rent and I think he probably senses that.
Sorry if it sounds harsh.
dont talk to him about it, if he hatesh is job so much he could find another but he'd need to try for that.
I'll take bets that if youstay with him as soon as you qualify and get a good job, he'll quit and sit on his arse all day and you'll be expected to continue your current slave role as well as being the only breadwinner.
By all means have a baby, but not with this man.
LTB seriously, you have nothing to lose but the dead weight.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.