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Splitting safely from a long marriage to a nutter

(17 Posts)
fraggletits Tue 25-Jun-13 20:04:05

According to much online research, H bears all the characteristics of an obsessive compulsive bi-polar narcissist and that’s being kind. God knows what mood he’s in at any given time in any 24 hours, happy, depressed angry, happy depressed angry – I’m full of hope, I’m crushed like a gnat – it is an exhausting cycle - I’ve read Lundy, I know it’s never going to change, he’s always going to be glass half empty with a temper and I’m always going to be to blame for everything although conversely, and just like all other abusive twats I read about, he is Mr Popular, Mr Funtime Frankie, and Mr Successful to family, friends, colleagues, DC’s friends parents etc etc...they will be horrified when we split!

I’m on citalopram, I comfort eat, can't get into a diet and am a bit overweight, I have no off-switch when I drink wine, I’ve set up my own secret bank account and I am paying into it regularly while at the same time trying to pay off the big debt to tax credits he built up with my name on it so that I can claim when I leave him as I’m not on the world’s best salary.

I just have a couple of questions that I’m hoping some kind MN’ers could maybe enlighten me on

1. He has threatened that if I left him he would fight me for full custody of the kids by telling the courts/authorities that I am an alcoholic. Says he has been building a dossier on me! (We have 2 young dd’s who are very close to me, he’s barely here as works miles away and is gone from early til late every day, - I am their full time carer, they are well fed, happy, confident, bright, washed, dressed, at school every day while I work and then shipped to various afterschool clubs etc by me – yeah I like wine, but not everyday and I’m not a fucking alcoholic)

2. How do I leave? (I have a 7 month plan in place, enough time to save money and pay off the tax credits – but when I get there…do me and the kids just disappear leaving a letter and telling him I’ll be in contact regarding contact and therefore totally ‘enrage the beast’ – or do I try and do it face to face and end up being beaten into submission...again.

I’m nervous! He can be volatile and violent

Thanks anyone

froggiebabies Tue 25-Jun-13 20:07:42

I'm sorry I don't have the experience or wisdom to help but my first thought is 'are you sure he won't see this thread?' As far as I know there is a safer place to post here that isn't searchable.

Sounds like you a have a plan that would be ruined if he found out. Best of luck.

babyhammock Tue 25-Jun-13 20:16:28

Don't tell him anything, don't even hint at anything. You know he will ruin it. AND BE CAREFUL! Goodluck xxx

Lweji Tue 25-Jun-13 20:25:36

Just go. No preparations or warning.
Make sure you are all safe first.

And do it earlier rather than later.

Noregrets78 Tue 25-Jun-13 20:27:42

I remember a thread somewhere on here a while back - something along the lines of 'is this all part of the script'. It was from someone whose H was threatening to take custody of the kids if they split up. Countless people replied to say that they too had been threatened, and their H had not gone through with it. I'm in the same position, although not yet out the other side of the threats. His actions constantly demonstrate that he has no intention of taking DD away, but he continues to use it as a threat. I suspect your H is doing the same, don't take him too seriously.

In terms of the warning him - women's aid is usually recommended as they're the experts in helping you escape from these situations. If your H is anything like my H then you can do your level best not to wind him up, but he'll get wound up anyway. Better to be miles away while he's getting wound up then in the same room.

Women's aid. They will tell how how to keep yourselves safe.

fraggletits Tue 25-Jun-13 21:44:47

thanks for the replies everyone - it's ok froggiebabies, he would never read MN! Thanks Noregrets and others, I have spoken to WA actually - it was wierd and I couldn't believe I was doing it, took me a while to get to how bad things were as i found it a bit embarrassing at first, like I was wasting their time and being silly, but the woman I spoke to said at the end if she was my case worker she would put me at high risk. I've been in this marriage for a long time (together 17 yrs), there's so much invested in it and so for a lot of the time it feels like it's where I belong, better the devil you know etc. but then I know I've lost a lot of myself.
When I looked at Maypole.org re legals and stuff, the sensible advice seemed to be if possible plan for a break up so you don't end up on the streets etc. and I really have nothing at the moment.

RandomMess Tue 25-Jun-13 21:50:10

If your circumstances changed then tax credits would give you longer to pay back the debt etc. by reducing the CTC you would then receive. If he has a regularly salary it is easy to get maintanance and it doesn't affect your CTC.

I would have your essential paper work to hand at all time and if he ever gets violent again, call the police and have him removed and then get the locks changed or leave directly to WA.

fraggletits Tue 25-Jun-13 22:06:12

thanks RM but i would be too scared to call the police. That would be well and truly opening a can of worms.
we are in a rented house. we own a house elsewhere which has tenants in which I would eventually want sold. not much equity but a bit - I wouldn't know how to enforce all of this though - I would have to do it through someone else as he would just be hideous, but then a colleague I work with put me off mediation after having to go through it with her narc ex and watching as he manipulated his abuse of her into him being the victim.

RandomMess Tue 25-Jun-13 22:29:21

Okay he sounds really really vile, I would suggest that when you leave just go to WA, no letter or anything just go.

Noregrets78 Tue 25-Jun-13 23:40:19

fraggletits incidentally I was also terrified of calling the police, but made the decision that 'next time I would'. I did, and he was fuming. It still comes up in every argument, he says I humiliated him.

But I would do it again tomorrow. Despite all his mouthing off, he finally realises that I mean it. He will never accept that he did anything wrong, but his behaviour has changed and he is less threatening.

In my case Lundy was spot on - he wasn't losing his temper, or out of control. He knew exactly what he was doing, and always stopped before he did something that could really get him in trouble. Hence me calling the police 'reset the bar' in terms of what I would, and would not accept.

I really would recommend it.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Jun-13 23:51:10

You are not as frightened of calling the police as he is, I promise you. He has beaten you into believing that he will do all sorts of vile things if you do, but he knows that he cant and wont do them.

He is the big man now because no one is prepared to stand up to him. Call the police and watch him piss his pants.

apatchylass Tue 25-Jun-13 23:52:37

This might be an unpopular post, as I understand that you are under so much stress and drinking probably feels like a release. But can you make cutting out drink entirely asap part of your seven month plan? If he is capable of twisting everything, I think you have to play him at his own game and make sure you are blameless, every way you are looked at.

I can easily imagine a charming man in despair saying: she ran off, no idea where, took the kids and drinks heavily, thereby turning you into an appalling monster in most people's eyes.

Make sure people know why you are leaving. Send out emails with a brief outline of the problems that are unresolvable in your marriage. explain why you have to leave suddenly and that you'll be in touch soon.

Make sure people visibly see that you aren't drinking and are being a model mother in the months leading up to the separation, to protect yourself and most important of all, the custody of your children. Don't let a few glasses of wine jeopardise that.

cestlavielife Wed 26-Jun-13 00:01:45

You need to call police. So there is record of his behaviour. Having a ref number from police will make all the difference when you disscuss access to dc if you have concerns about his behaviour around the dc .

springytats Wed 26-Jun-13 00:20:04

I'm thinking that if WA said you were 'high risk' then there would be a place for you in a refuge. They're great places, apparently. And you're on a safe island for a while as you sort out the logistics of the rest of your life/lives. he won't be able to get to you there. You'd be protected and supported, emotionally and practically.

have WA assigned you a support worker? It sounds like you could do with one. They have all the legal expertise - or will point you in the direction of relevant legal advice - you need in your circumstances. Have you done more than just call them and talk? Or, have they done more, rather. You shouldn't be expected to do all this on your own, you need practical rl support.

Abusers threaten to take the kids because they know that will hurt us, or control us, the most. My ex hung that over my head but he would never have wanted the hassle of looking after kids 24/7 - never in a million years!

I believe you about your husband btw. Mine was the same (though not violent). Well done, well done for recognising it and planning to get out flowers

springytats Wed 26-Jun-13 00:22:56

Yes, get it on file with the police. Call the DV unit (or call 101 and ask to be put through) and make an appointment to see them and get it all down on record. They need to know so they can protect you in future if need be.

Lweji Thu 27-Jun-13 05:49:08

Bullies are cowards.

Mine just stood there when I called the police after he hit me, and finally left the house as I had asked him to do.
I'm surprised he didn't take the phone off my hands, but he probably just didn't know what to do.

He had also always threatened to take DS, and there were suicide threats.
With the result that I really worry he will, and he hasn't had unsupervised contact in over 2 years, since I left.
If he really wanted to he could have taken DS from school for example, I suppose.
But, he won't take DS away with my consent, as he could then decide to actually take off.

But this is to say that, yes, protect yourself and keep safe, but don't let the fear freeze you.
You can leave him and be happy.

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