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Thinking of being sterilised ... because I want another baby.

(27 Posts)
Flyingtree Sun 23-Jun-13 23:56:14

It doesn't make sense I know, but in my confused mind it seems the sensible thing to do.

I'm in a relationship with a man, both 44, I have two under 6 and he has none. He has explained he is too old to have children now, but that if anything happened, he would of course be supportive.

Unlike my previous long term boyfriends, he has always taken an interest in my contraception choices, discussed them at length, and when I was taking the mini Pill, reminded me whenever he was with me to take it.

His previous partner of 15 years fell pregnant when he was about 24, but as she had already explained to him she didn't want new children (she had teens when she met him), she had an abortion.

He doesn't discuss this in any depth with me, I get the feeling there is nothing much to discuss I suppose. He says he was young, did not really put much thought into it at the time.

However...

I have recently become broody. It probably coincides with my advancing age, possibly with the hormonal effects of the Evra Patch contraception I'm currently using, or the fact Ihave fallen utterly in love with him.

But my two children were conceived within an abusive and violent relationship, with a man who vehemently did not want children 'with me', and stated that I ruined his life by accidentally falling pregnant (contraception fail) and he has not seen them in over a year.
Consequently, I am terrified of repeating history, because I worry that as he is concerned with my contraception choices and issues, and reminds me to take the Pill or whichever I am using, I feel under (gentle) observation, and that because he knows I would like another baby, if I did accidentally fall pregnant, I am convinced he will think deep down it was planned.

So, because I know for certain I do not want a child with any other man than him and because he does not want children, isn't it sensible to remove the possibility altogether, and to get myself sterilised?

Please let me know your views.

tightfortime Sun 23-Jun-13 23:57:41

I think you should be honest with him and if its a choice, make it together.

Xales Mon 24-Jun-13 00:11:36

If he is that determined not to have kids why is he watching you and reminding you about your contraception you rather than getting himself a vasectomy?

Seems a little controlling to me.

frutilla Mon 24-Jun-13 00:12:09

Wow, that sounds like a real unresolved issue between you two. If you were to be steriilised, mightn't you start to resent him, given that you so want a child? Why should you be the one to compromise? It doesn't sound at all fair...
Also, 44 is not old for the man. And he said he would be supportive if anything happened, so maybe he's more open to the idea than you think. I think you need to tell him your true feelings.

TheYoniWayIsUp Mon 24-Jun-13 00:17:04

How long have you been with him?

Flyingtree Mon 24-Jun-13 00:20:43

There's no control issues here, Xales, he's one of the good ones.

I think like most men, reasonably enough, he's probably worried about the procedure, complications, pain, etc.

Also, we did discuss it once and I was left with the feeling I didn't really have a 'right' to suggest he has this procedure when we'd only been together about 6 or 7 months at that point.
That confused me, because I assumed if you knew you didn't want children, you'd do your utmost to avoid the possibility :/

Flyingtree Mon 24-Jun-13 00:21:48

Yoni we have been seeing eachother for just over a year. We don't live together and he has stayed every weekend for the same amount of time.

Xales Mon 24-Jun-13 00:26:06

You know him better than me. smile

I knew I wanted no more children so I made sure I would not have any more. I suppose I would find it bloody annoying to be constantly reminded.

Bumpstarter Mon 24-Jun-13 00:37:10

Have you had any counselling or worked through the abuse issues in any way? If you did so, you might be able to close the book and not fear that aspect of relationship any more. Which would be great, baby or no baby.

GingerJulep Mon 24-Jun-13 01:44:28

Well, he could use condoms. Puts the onus on him and it is much more obvious than a pill being/not being taken.

And it doesn't mess with anyone's body (or future).

DistanceCall Mon 24-Jun-13 02:03:56

To be honest, at 44 it's unlikely that you have much of a fertility window open, if any. And the likelihood of conceiving a child with problems would be much higher. Whereas a 44 year old man is able to continue to have children for many years.

I suppose in your shoes I would keep using contraception until there wasn't really an issue, which it probably won't be in a few years' time.

And if he keeps reminding you to take the pill, maybe you could suggest that if he is so concerned about your forgetting, perhaps he should get a vasectomy. Why place all the onus on you?

Flyingtree Mon 24-Jun-13 09:11:00

Condoms are not an option, makes the whole thing a non-event for me.

There is a history of women in my family conceiving late, at age 46 and 51, Distance, so I can't be complacent.

I also think that he's concerned about his body being messed with as regards the vasectomy, there are some risks.

GingerJulep Mon 24-Jun-13 17:42:44

There are some risks for you too.

Likewise with anything hormonal.

And of course the fact that you're having unprotected sex with this chap...

A coil removes the persona responsibility aspect of things but doesn't guarantee you won't get preggers.

Perhaps let him know you're worried about an accidental pregnancy given his caution/your history & inclinations and talk about it together?

Bumpstarter Mon 24-Jun-13 17:54:49

Have you had any counselling or worked through the abuse issues in any way? If you did so, you might be able to close the book and not fear that aspect of relationship any more. Which would be great, baby or no baby

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 24-Jun-13 17:56:46

You say there are risks involved in him having a vasectomy but medically speaking it is a straightforward procedure. Sterilisation for a woman is MUCH more complicated with many more health risks involved. You should do you research very carefully before going ahead.

Also, a year is not particularly long for any relationship. Who knows what will happen! If you get a stereilisation, then you split up, how will you feel? I think counselling might be useful to discuss your options.

lemonstartree Mon 24-Jun-13 18:28:04

have a mirena coil; Virtually no failure rate but the option to remove if you decide to try and have another child (together)

Dahlen Mon 24-Jun-13 20:31:48

What do you think he would say if you said to him your body was reacting strangely to hormonal contraception due to your age (plausible) and that you needed to stop using it?

If he's adamant he doesn't want children, why won't he consider a vasectomy? Perfectly understandable to be concerned about it and no of course you don't have the right to inflict your choices on someone else, but has he even explored it? It's the most logical explanation for a man of his age who doesn't want children. Puts him in charge of his own fertility in much the same manner he seems to expect you to do regarding your own.

Incidentally, why aren't condoms an option?

fabergeegg Mon 24-Jun-13 21:18:09

He doesn't sound like a good catch, OP. He leaves all the contraception up to you, leaving you with hormonal imbalances and what not, patronisingly (not gently) reminds you to keep taking it while doing nothing himself because he doesn't want his body messed about with. What a toad. And you don't sound secure with him at all.

No, you shouldn't get sterilised because (a) that's not a good reason to do it (b) you may at some stage start to resent him for the highly pressured contraception issues that led to it (c) he's not worth it and you may decide that in the next couple of years.

I would never, ever do this. Never.

Flyingtree Mon 24-Jun-13 23:02:28

Ginger I'm not having unprotected sex, I was on the mini pill Cerazette at first (never again, angry and have since been on Evra Patch.
Coil has too many risks for my liking.

Millymolly Yes I am aware a year isn't very long, but I am confident I will not involve myself with anyone again if we did break up, as my intention is not to put my children through a series of male incomers. He was always going to be my only and last partner after the breakdown of my relationship with their father.

Dahlen I think he would strongly suggest we use condoms, even though we tried that and for me at least, the experience was just flat, no connection at all, physically or emotionally with condoms.

faberegg He has discussed contraception with me, but I already know he prefers condoms, so really it is me that is putting spanner in the works, because I just can't do them at all, I have tried really hard to. He has been very supportive about my choices all along, he's a thoroughly decent man.

Bumpstarter Mon 24-Jun-13 23:55:29

No thoughts on counselling or working through abuse issues?

It is easier to forget, and leve it in the past, but it can continue to haunt you.

DistanceCall Tue 25-Jun-13 02:13:49

I understand about condoms - I feel that way about them myself.

If you are certain that you don't want any more children and it makes things easier for you, then I don't see why not go for sterilisation.

DistanceCall Tue 25-Jun-13 02:15:08

That said - I use a diaphragm. It has the inconvenience that you need to remember to pop it before DTD, but it has none of the drawbacks of hormonal contraception, and silicon ones last for 10 years easily. You might want to consider it.

piprabbit Tue 25-Jun-13 02:24:48

I read the OP and my first thought was that the DP sounds a bit controlling over the OPs contraception and fertility.
Was sterilisation your idea initially, Flyingtree? Or did your DP bring up the subject? It seems such a big step to take so soon into a relationship and when you don't seem to have discussed all the implications.
It also doesn't sound as though you quite trust yourself not to fall 'accidentally on purpose' pregnant, which could mean you feel your urge for more children might be overwhelming.

Leverette Tue 25-Jun-13 06:31:45

Something that jumps out at me from your posts is the mention of risks attached to vasectomy and the coil.

Are you aware that these risks are insignificant in comparison with sterilisation under GA or carrying a pregnancy/giving birth at 44yo.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, it's an inconsistency that jumps out at me.

At 44 i don't think sterilization is the answer, but you do need to speak to your dp in depth about how you are feeling & then make a decision together on whether to have a baby or not. If not maybe he could take charge of his own contraception by using condoms or having a vascetomy himself should it be his choice.

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