Please tell me the hurt goes away!!

[jesscakes]

How can you get over someone that doesnt want you, not even close to even wanting to be your friend? :(
Its been so so so long and it wont go away. Im starting to think I have issues here!

[Squeegle]

I don't know the answer- but have a read around on the Baggage Reclaim website; it's been a life saver for me. It really is about them- not about us!

[jesscakes]

Ok thanks, what do I look for when Im on there?

[jesscakes]

We never went out, this is the thing its more of an obsession with someone I met when my husband left and its quite embarrassing when I speak about it but it hurts and I would like to actually stop obsessing now.
Hope your ok too, I just looked at that site Squeegle recommended, it looks quite helpful :)

[Diagonally]

So its not him you're missing, its the little (big?) fantasy you built around him?

If you keep running back to the fantasy then there is something in RL you are trying to avoid.

Work out what it is and deal with it, perhaps?

[jessjessjess]

I think Diagonally hit the nail on the head talking about fantasy - a fantasy is so much harder to let go of than reality, which is never perfect.

It takes time but you will feel better. Counselling could help.

I also wonder if your feelings are displaced - are they really about this or about the break up of your marriage?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Definitely read Baggage Reclaim. Just dip around the list of posts - you'll find plenty to relate to.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Oh, and yes, the hurt goes away, when you realise that they are unavailable, that that doesn't mean you are unlovable, and that you don't need them (or anyone) to validate your existence, other than yourself.

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

I second baggage reclaim site, try to look at his faults too and yes it will go away!

[jesscakes]

Thankyou all so much, Iv been reading the baggage reclaim site and I can definitely relate to it. I think I am holding on to what should of been in my marriage maybe and this guy was the first person to show an interest and when he got what he wanted he disappeared and I had no clue why. I guess it did make me feel unlovable, you question everything.
Thanks all :)

[Squeegle]

I'm glad you found it helpful. It opened my eyes when I was going through something similar. Made me realise the feelings I had were all about my (unrealistic) emotional investment, which in its turn was about me feeling unloved and seeking an escape.

It really is so helpful for me; it wouldn't be overstating the case to say its turned my thinking around. She's written a book too- called mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Unbelievably close to the bone for me and like a light bulb has been turned on!

[jesscakes]

Thanks Squeegle :)

So tell me, are you actually over this guy now? How long did it take?

I will have a look at this book, thanks :)

[Squeegle]

Yes!!! I was completely obsessed about him over Christmas. Thought about him literally all the time! Really spoiled my Christmas as he didn't ring me once. I don't know why not; I still don't know why. I think he had someone else. I was kind of kidding myself he was busy etc etc. the truth was of course he had other things on his mind.

After Christmas I read that book. It basically told me that he was unavailable (for whatever reason), but that I had actively chosen him. That was the revelation for me! I didn't realise I had a habit of going for this type.

Anyway, it took me a little time, even when I read the book- logically I knew it was all wrong, but I worked with this guy. And inside myself I'd invested all sorts. But I felt better immediately after reading the book. I just needed to keep re reading certain bits to keep strong.

Then I did some online dating which has distracted me. I'm well over him now (although I find him attractive, I know there was a lot in my head which was not real at all!)