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What should I do?

(44 Posts)
giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 20:44:19

I am a NC regular. I had to NC because this is simply incredulous and would be easily identifiable if you know me in real life and I don't want it linking to my regular name and all my other posts.

I left my abusive stbx h about 2 years ago and he sees them 1 night a week. He has never been charged with violence, has no record and I am divorcing him on the 2 year separation as opposed to unreasonable behaviour (I was frightened he would kick off <sigh>).

So he has seen the DCs quite freely. There have been 2 times when he has lost his temper - called one of them " a little bastard" and had him by the scruff of his neck. Another time when he was so vile that my DS went to school in tears and was crying for 45 minutes (he has only dropped them off at school twice in his whole life and this was one of them :-/). He regularly verbally abuses me in front of the children (whore, slag, etc).

Anyway, to get to the point.......the DCs have come back tonight having been to his house for the night and he had taken them to a local fair. One of my DS's won a goldfish, and yes to be fair he did say he wasn't that bothered about winning a goldfish, but.....my stbx h ATE THE GOLDFISH. ALIVE. FOR A £10 BET WITH A MATE. IN FRONT OF DS.

I am speechless, I want to stop all contact.

Am I over reacting?

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 16:22:43

My solicitors have sent the letter today.
I feel sick with how he is going to react.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 16:29:46

What did the letter say then? Are you going for no contact or supervised contact?

GetStuffezd Mon 24-Jun-13 17:01:24

This man is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve contact with his children. He sounds like a lunatic. You've done the right thing.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 17:26:54

The letter said after an accumulation of inappropriate incidents it has been decided that contact is not in the children's best interests.

He is going to go ballistic.

2712 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:42:33

Never mind no contact with his DCs, you need to get a restraining order on him. He sounds nasty.

Have you got support in RL?

How are the children today?

OodPi Mon 24-Jun-13 20:35:43

Cruelty to animals is often a sign of an abuser even before they abuse. My brain is currently numb as I've been off work so long but have done a bit of DV training ( was going to be a lot more but pregnancy delayed it) and this was one of the questions ( possibly for MARAC?)

CityTiliDie Mon 24-Jun-13 21:03:59

I thought fairs were banned from offering live animals as prizes.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Jun-13 21:06:51

Obviously not, City

My local fete has live goldfish to win

Strange "support" you were offering there hmm

Hope you are ok, OP. You sound terrified, and I don't blame you. Please make sure you have RL support close by.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 21:50:25

Thanks you all.

I'm concerned about him getting the letter tomorrow. I didn't get to speak to my solicitor today because was working all day so am not sure what legal standing I have in saying that he cannot see the DCs.

He has already been warned that he needs to pick the DC up from the road side and not come up the driveway because of his abuse but there is no order in place.

I just currently have the advice that if he breaches this to call the police.

I don't know what happens now..........it's scary.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 21:55:21

I'd talk to the police and get a few of these incidents logged. Think you'll also need to spend quite a bit of time reassuring the children that you're acting with their welfare and safety in mind and that they did the right thing telling you about the goldfish.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 22:16:11

Thanks Leaven, I have spoken to the DC tonight and tried to reassure them, especially DS2 who told me about it and 'landed him in it'. I hate that they might think I am being a horrid over reactor - their boundaries have been skewed by their F and I know they don't want to know that their father is a bit of a twat. Its so sad for them.

What a hideous twat. Hope you are OK.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 22:24:12

Do think about contacting the police before he does anything. There's no statute of limitations on reporting incidents but even if you don't want to do that, you'll be flagged as potentially at risk and they'll give you some good advice.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 25-Jun-13 01:00:50

Hi OP. You may find this helpful: www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/

The abuse counts as Section 4 harassment, and he should be locked up for it.

MadameBlavatsky Tue 25-Jun-13 01:15:06

OP stopping contact is the best thing you can do. Fuck him, if he dares come anywhere near you or your kids just call the police. He is a sick bastard and not fit to be allowed unsupervised with children.

You are doing the right thing. I doubt very much that he will take you to court, what a twat. Well done for getting away, you are far stronger than you think.

toomanyfionas Tue 25-Jun-13 11:30:04

Oh so sorry, OP.

He sounds like my friend's ex who set fire to a kitten infront of the children

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Jun-13 12:48:02

After domestic violence incidents the police do an assessment as to how at risk you are. One of the questions is has the person in question harmed or threatened to harm animals that you are aware of? They actually use that to indicate how much danger you are in.

This is one of the most awful things I have ever read. Your child will always remember it. I would get some counselling sorted out pronto.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Jun-13 12:57:27

I hope you are ok today. Clearly you are very worried about him kicking off. Can you ring the police on their non emergency number to get some advice/reassurance from them? It might help you to hear from them too that this is far from normal behaviour. They will log your call.

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