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Dh, maternity leave and sex!

(48 Posts)
Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 17:36:08

Dh and I are happily married and have the normal ups and downs. I feel as though he loves me very much. However, I feel as though we are having issues re sex.

I like to feel desired by my dh and I take care of myself to look good etc. We have dc3 who is 8 months and hard work.

When it comes to sex, dh behaves as if he would like to have sex very often. But when it comes down it, he will try it on and immediately (or within a min) touch my boobs etc, he'll then expect me to touch him and move onto sex pretty quickly. However, if I don't respond straight away to having sex, he just seems to give up and go to sleep. It feels as though I'm not worth making the effort if I don't 'put out' straight away. However, I need to get in the mood and be a little wooed! I don't mean candles, massage etc all the time, but just done effort on his part.

We have spoken about it and he just says that he's tired. He will often touch me throughout the day and then in the evening, we go to bed and unless I have sex straightaway, he'll just nod off leaving me feeling rejected.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I suppose he thinks a little differently of me. He doesn't see me in my work clothes dressed up and I'm not doing the post with drinks and office banter. It's like I'm a 'sure thing', no threat from being chased by other men, just generally at home doing family duties smile.

Anyone got any ideas how to resolve this? Do I need to play harder to get? It doesn't help that he was looking at pictures of scantily clad women a few months ago, which is demoralising. Not sure what to do? Any thoughts?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:57:46

Can anyone take the children for a weekend?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 23-Jun-13 21:05:28

I'm not sure really

In a way it seems good that if you're not responding he backs off, if I touched my DH and he didn't seem into it I would stop rather that try and 'persuade' him. But I can also see why it bothers you

Have you explained how you feel and exactly what you'd like him to do?

I don't think it would be fair to ,a&e him work for it all the time, I'm sure he'd like to feel desired and wanted sometimes as well

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 23-Jun-13 21:06:48

That's supposed to be 'make him work for it' my iPad has got a mind of its own at the moment!

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:12:08

I hadn't thought of that. Maybe he backs off because he thinks you don't want him and he's being respectful?

MissStrawberry Sun 23-Jun-13 21:15:39

Don't play hard to get as you are an adult.

Looking at half naked women may or may not have pissed you off and made you want more attention on you. You maybe should think about that and talk to your husband.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 21:52:02

He sounds like a selfish lover

And I would be seeing the red flags waving if I thought my husband was less sexually attracted to me because I wasn't being looked at by other men

Both of you sound like you have fairly fucked up attitudes to sex, tbh

Bottom line, he wants the quick penetration and you want some time spent on your pleasure ? Would you accept that in a new partner ? If not, don't accept it in him.

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:05:33

I am into having sex, but just don't want to do it the second dh touches me. I need a little time to get in the mood especially after having the children all day.

It's not that he's not sexually attracted to me if men aren't paying me attention, but when on maternity leave or st home full time, dh knows exActly what I'm doing most of the time (babycare, housework, groups etc) and so a little of the mystery is gone. When I'm at work I meet clients, attend events etc and I think it keeps him on his toes (in a good way!).

I suppose I just want some thoughts and tips to get his attention and have him make an effort with me. He is not selfish in bed, but seems to talk the talk but when it comes to it, can't be bothered to get me in the mood and gives up. Maybe I'm just crap in bed!

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:26

Think I just need reassurance that if he can look at sexy pictures on line, then I'm sexy enough too.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:19:56

it sounds like he may be some way along the line of replacing a healthy sex life with a living, breathing up-for-it woman with cold, damaging, plastic on-line porn

it's a slippery slope

for him

and if you try and compete with that, your self esteem will continue to get eroded

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:21:39

Think I just need reassurance that if he can look at sexy pictures on line, then I'm sexy enough too.

we can't do that

only your husband can do that

and he is failing miserably

OneMoreChap Sun 23-Jun-13 22:22:31

He will often touch me throughout the day and then in the evening, we go to bed and unless I have sex straightaway, he'll just nod off leaving me feeling rejected

Approaches you throughout the day... you show no desire to go further at bedtime, he backs off.

Thoughtful lover.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:25:26

...not

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:26:55

Can you not curl up on the sofa watching tv together and start kissing there etc. Being close not sexually.

Then by the time you go to bed.....

OneMoreChap Sun 23-Jun-13 22:27:41

just a different - and perfectly valid - view.

Branleuse Sun 23-Jun-13 22:29:51

if you want sex, how about you come on to him? Maybe he would quite like to be wooed too?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:30:47

I think you have misunderstood the OP, OMC

she is bothered by the fact he just wants to go straight for penetration when she wants more foreplay

typical selfish "wham bam, thank you ma'am" old fashioned bollocks

I thought most men were better than that, these days

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:31:10

I do want to go further, just not go from nothing to sex within 60 seconds. Twiddling my nipples, then wanting sex straightaway does not do it for me. I want him to desire me enough to make the effort to get and have sex. He gets defensive and says he's tired when I have raised the issue.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:32:57

tune the radio

slip it in

it's shit, isn't it ?

myroomisatip Sun 23-Jun-13 22:33:40

now hang on a minute OMC....

'touch me throughout the day'...

My Ex used to do that, it was inappropriate to say the least. Definitely not a turn on. Not when having to deal with babies etc etc

When it comes to DTD it is lovely to have a partner who is prepared to spend some time just leading up to the event. It should be a mutual pleasure, a build up.
Being under pressure all day (and often all night) it isnt realistic to expect someone who is stressed and exhausted to be up for sex without some nice encouragement, surely?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:34:18

OP, by "sex" you mean "penetration" don't you ?

it's a very old fashioned idea that the two terms are interchangeable, and certainly a very male-focussed one

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:36:24

We do lots of cuddling etc throughout the day/eve, but when we get to bed, unless I have sex pretty much straightaway, he'll stop playing with my boobs and fall asleep. Not a great feeling.

I don't think he's a porn addict or anything like that. He say he no longer googles pictures etc and is very open with his phone, laptop etc.

I don't want to play games with him, but sometimes we all need to be kept on our toes.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:37:58

Don't play games, tell him straight

"oi, mate, less of the wham, bam stuff and more foreplay, you are getting boring and putting me off wanting sex with you"

you can talk to him about this, yes ?

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:40:53

Yes af by sex I mean penetration.

I need to feel sexy and have him say nice things. I want him to think that sex with me is worth making the effort for. He's not always like this, but its a pattern I've started to notice.

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:45:22

I've spoken to him and he knows. He got defensive, but did agree.

I feel we need to reprogram ourselves a bit. I'm feeling crap and very housewifey at the moment (I like being at home though), but him looking at images online and then not 'chasing' me has changed the dynamic a little.

How do you make a man want to have sex with you and make the effort?

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