Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH makes me feel stupid

(35 Posts)
ChangeyMcName Sun 23-Jun-13 14:49:23

This is going to sound really trivial.

Yesterday DH trying to withdraw money from his account, none to withdraw, DH getting frustrated & tried another cashpoint, then (unbeknown to me) put in his credit card and withdrew cash. I asked how did he manage to sort it (ie following the rant about where had all his money gone, was a bit curious as to how he'd managed to get some!).
Rather than just answer a simple question with a simple answer - credit card - DH told me 'because I'm at the cashpoint'. Which seemed deliberately facetious and made me feel stupid for asking as I then had to explain the obvious - he then confirmed he had used his credit card.

Today? DH getting stressed about having 'a lot to do' this afternoon, I asked what (thinking I could help him if its a lot), DH becomes frustrated with me because he's apparently told me once during the last 24 hours and I should listen properly and remember. To be honest I have my own constantly evolving to do list in my own head & can't remember everything on his in addition.

It seems like he takes the opportunity to deliberately make me feel a bit daft, forgetful, dim etc - when really I'm asking reasonable questions that he could just give a simple answer to.

When I calmly pointed out that he asks me things repeatedly and I just answer him as I don't expect him to remember every tiny thing I do with my day (he frequently asks me the same questions about my shifts), he got cross and accused me of being a perfect person whilst he's made out to be awful. I promise this is not the case - I was just trying to illustrate how every normal person forgets things sometimes!

I know this is trivial but it's making me worried to ask him questions and I always come away from these situations feeling like I'm stupid.

Please tell me if one of us is overreacting, or am I as annoying as he says I am? I'm really upset by this, it happens so often and simple conversations turn into really hard work, I just want to have a nice day with my DH but something always happens, this shouldn't be this difficult hmm

LEMisdisappointed Sun 23-Jun-13 19:50:47

You both sound really stressed, is there other stuff going on, money problems?

YoungBritishPissArtist Sun 23-Jun-13 19:56:54

he's said he doesn't know why I frustrate him so much

I felt sad reading this sad

Crocodilio Sun 23-Jun-13 20:04:41

I guess he does when he's trying to be dishonest or not share things? Getting cash out on a credit is a pretty silly thing to do, and presumably he'd have preferred not to tell you, hence fudging around with his answers to make you back off. Does he tell you you're stupid/deaf/mumbling/forgetful when he has forgotten somdthing or done something but doesn't want to admit it?

ChangeyMcName Sun 23-Jun-13 20:36:28

no doesn't seem to happen at any particular time, out of the blue really.
I couldn't care less about his finances, his business. If he gets cash out on credit that's his lookout. He has no reason to hide this from me. It's not as if there would have been any negative reaction, he knows this.

He treats me like a child sometimes, letting me know when I've not done chores or not finished a job, like reminding me that I've washed dishes but still need to dry them and put them away. Little things like that. He doesn't give me a massively hard time but the little comments and low level nagging does wear thin.
I've said many times to him that he doesn't treat me as an equal, they he has to dominate every situation - he disagrees, the discussion goes nowhere. I don't know what to do. He's not a violent man and not cheating, some would say I'm very lucky.

ChangeyMcName Sun 23-Jun-13 20:40:53

He's a bit older than me and I was very 'young headed' when we met - thinking maybe this could be a factor.

changechangechange Sun 23-Jun-13 21:09:23

He's a bit older than me and I was very 'young headed' when we met - thinking maybe this could be a factor.

This was definitely a factor with me and my ex. It's only two years later I began to realise just how abusive that relationship was. sad I've v recently read Pat Craven's book - Living with the Dominator - staggered, actually staggered, by how many more bells it rang even than I was expecting.

None of what you're saying sounds any good, OP. How difficult for you. sad

MollyMollyMolly Sun 23-Jun-13 21:10:33

so do you love him and still want to be with him?

Vivacia Sun 23-Jun-13 21:20:28

OP I do very similar things - do half a job when doing a chore, forget something he's told me twice already, whitter on about nothing in particular, sing the same three lines of the song repeatedly, cry for no reason, ask him to pass me something when I'm closer... basically I'm a nightmare. And he had never, ever, once put me down or said something unkind. You do not deserve to feel like you are irritating, you deserve to feel cherished.

wordyBird Mon 24-Jun-13 01:18:43

A lot of men aren't violent and don't cheat...but as you can see, this doesn't necessarily make for a good, kind or respectful partner. So I don't really feel you're lucky.

I did wonder if there was an age gap, not because that is inherently wrong; but because a small minority will deliberately choose an age gap to create inequality. They see themselves as the boss, and the wife as subordinate. Hence you might receive offensive boss-like instructions on listening properly, or reminders to finish your chores.

Have you come across 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, or any books by Patricia Evans? They might help you.

jessjessjess Mon 24-Jun-13 08:59:06

I don't think it's trivial and I don't think you're lucky. The awful thing about emotional abuse is that you don't have the tangible proof of any physical marks so you end up thinking it's all in your head.

Because you don't trust yourself.
Because your abusive partner is gaslighting you.

Sorry to be blunt.

Accusing you of being perfect while he is awful - while treating you like the opposite is true. Saying he walks on eggshells - when you're the one doing that. It's textbook, I'm afraid.

I have to disagree with Molly and Rules girl. There are red flags all over this. Why do I disagree? Because nothing is his fault. Because he doesn't treat you with basic respect and kindness. It is wrong-headed to advise you to talk to him about it as of course he sees things differently, of course he won't agree!

Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, OP. I don't think you're lucky, but that doesn't matter - what matters is how YOU feel and what YOU think. I hope you can start listening to your own feelings.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now