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Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

(457 Posts)
Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 10:43:05

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 23-Jun-13 10:53:06

Why do you want to end it?

Branleuse Sun 23-Jun-13 10:57:54

As if youre going to leave!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Jun-13 10:59:16

It's very addictive being in what's essentially a long-distance relationship with someone. It's also very easy. Always fresh, passionate, everyone on best behaviour when you meet up etc smile If ending it completely is too daunting why not take a break for a month, two months, stretch it to six etc... means you're forced to find other things to do with your time, other people to be with, stop relying on him to be your love interest. Being honest, what he wants is totally unimportant. You owe him nothing at all.

Alternatively, I suppose you could pen a very long, very interesting letter to his wife. Burn a bridge or two. Good luck

ImperialBlether England Sun 23-Jun-13 11:00:06

This has happened to a friend of mine - I think she's on MN as she sent me a text after I made a comment on a thread. If you are, C, then email rather than text as I've changed my number. grin

He's not going to leave and you face a life of more of the same or a life where you have some control over what happens.

I think rather than love, it might be easier to see it as addiction. To be free of him, you could follow the same steps that you would if you were addicted to alcohol or drugs.

You know you deserve better. You know his wife's life has been uneasy at the very least for the last ten years - she certainly deserves better. On the other hand, your boyfriend doesn't deserve two women giving up their lives for him. He really doesn't.

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 11:02:12

Oh god. Surely you know all the arguments by now? Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic....I agree with Branleuse. You might be having a momentary wobble, but you're not going to leave.

MexicanHat Sun 23-Jun-13 11:12:47

Why now? What's changed? The only way to go is absolutely no contact - delete all numbers/email address, etc. but as others have said I doubt you could maintain that after ten years with him. You are addicted to this man and he is incredibly selfish. I also find it hard to believe that his wife doesn't suspect. 10 years of Christmas Day, New Years Eve and other meaningful days without him - wow!!!

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 11:18:46

Cogito, totally agree, we've discussed our relationship and likened it to an addiction. I want to leave to create a new life of my own, now my children are also much older. I do go out and see friends and i'm sociable but feel I've never allowed myself to fall in love with anyone else because my love reverts back to him. I feel no-one can ever match up to him physically/emotionally because of the likenesses we share. Our personalities are mirrored and he is everything I want. His wife's main priority is her job, she is very successful and quite frankly, I don't think she'd notice if he didn't come home! His children and mum are his main priority. We are in touch 24/7 and at times, are able to see each other 2-3 times a week.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sun 23-Jun-13 11:21:48

Why does he want to leave his wife?

ImperialBlether England Sun 23-Jun-13 11:32:51

Don't you mean "Why doesn't he want to leave his wife", Chipping? He's going nowhere, is he?

Wellwobbly Sun 23-Jun-13 11:36:47

What's there not to like for him? He's got it all.

Chumplady 'The unified theory of cake':

Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)

The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.

Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.

Leavenheath Sun 23-Jun-13 11:37:02

He'd notice it though if his wife didn't come home.

Because he loves her more than he loves you. He would have left years ago if that hadn't been the case.

Thank goodness she's successful, financially independent of this loser and has much more going on in her life than him. I'd have thought that was something to celebrate in a woman, not sneer at her hmm.

Wellwobbly Sun 23-Jun-13 11:42:47

There is no 'the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family', for him.

For him, it's all just peachy.

You OP are the one who is dissatisfied! Wow, ten and a half years of denying your own deep needs for commitment, to be ecxlusive, publicly loved and declared, ten and a half years of going along with his agenda and of suppressing your own, ten and a half years of being a little secret because it isn't what he wants.

But that is what narcissists and selfish people do (and cheating is a narcissistic act): make me feel good! Don't have needs that I am not interested in!

It must be hard for you, OP.

VitoCorleone Italy Sun 23-Jun-13 11:45:12

So why hasnt he left his wife?

Perhaps because it wouldnt be so 'passionate' without all the sneaking around.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 11:52:53

Mexicanhat I feel I'm ready to try again as both our children are much older and I'm able to socialise moreso than I was able 10yrs ago looking after four small children. Although a single parent, I have worked full time since my youngest was 5yrs old. I've also been incredibly selfish as I was happy to let things ride because our relationship fitted in with 'my' needs due to my commitment to my children.
ImperialBlether he did leave after our third year together and moved into rented accommodation nearby. It pains me to say, his children were devastated and fate intervened: he had an accident soon after, where he required 24hr care. Sadly I was unable to give it to him and he had no choice but to return home. I desperately wanted him to stay at home for his children. I'm not proud and felt we would try again when the youngest was much older and of an age to understand.
After much discussion, I guess I was happy the way things were because his wife is barely at home.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 12:02:48

Levenheath A successful career is indeed nothing to be sneered at but as we all know, women cannot have it all!! Due to her success, it means she is rarely at home and has relied on her husband to be the Primary carer/parent as well as holding down his full time job! Alas, if she pays more attention to her career rather than her husband/family, affairs happen (i'm not condoning either of our behaviour but if an attraction is strong, its hard to ignore) and moreso, if she's never at home.

Pigsmummy Sun 23-Jun-13 12:04:42

Has he told you that he doesn't have sex with his wife? He is simply having his cake and eating it. He doesn't want it it end, why would he? He isn't going to make it easy for you and of course he doesn't want you to move away. I suspect it would take being found out to make any change.

Branleuse Sun 23-Jun-13 12:06:37

youve both got it good havent you.

If he wants to leave his wife now, would you even take him on?

Halfling Sun 23-Jun-13 12:10:26

Yes yes Gehj, his wife is the career oriented bitch and you are his angel of delight. She is the reason why you both vulnerable beings were driven into having an affair.

But when it came to caring for the accident ridden love of your life, you chose to send him back to that hard nosed bitch.

You both sound lovely hmm

CarpeVinum Sun 23-Jun-13 12:12:11

where he required 24hr care

Who provided that care ? His mum not the so called, ever absent, work obsessed wife I presume?

She could have provided care in her home or his new one couldn't she ?

Wellwobbly Sun 23-Jun-13 12:13:50

Funny how you haven't responded to my points, Gehj.

As a cheated-upon-wife (2007 -2009 discovery, 'reconciliation' - 2013 rediscovery) I can assure you that cake is the sought after state.

If OW is so wonderful, why isn't he there? Answer: because he DOESN'T WANT TO.

He wants both. Family life, with side-dish enhanced admiration/fuck.

Now I have decided that I [the other-side-of-your-coin] am worth far more than this disrespect? He is devastated and STILL doesn't want the OW.

Take care, OP. You are as much of a chump as the wife is.

ageofgrandillusion Sun 23-Jun-13 12:16:27

Obv he will never leave his missis which is a shame because, frankly, you deserve each other. I don't know how people can sleep at night sometimes when they are behaving in such a selfish, underhand way. The poor wife has been living a lie for a decade.

CarpeVinum Sun 23-Jun-13 12:19:33

i'm not condoning either of our behaviour but if an attraction is strong, its hard to ignore

Oh give over.

You are not 15. You have children. You have long risked them being dragged into a really messy and tense situation. You are supposed to put their needs (for low tension) before your wants for "romance". You can't even begin to do that if you are so busy justifying your choices by blathering on about the improbability of being able to resist attraction.

If you want out...get out.

Reach inside, take the strength you used to ignore everybody else's feelings and put it to better work by staying away from and going no contact.

It takes steely determination and a certain emotional coldness to choose the things you have chosen at the expence of others thus far, so it's not like you are ill equipped to choose differenet if that is what you actually want.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

guessing his wife doesn't want "it all" just not being cheated on and/or lied to would be a nice start

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