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Once a cheat....?

(15 Posts)
ISuggestYouGoBackThere Fri 21-Jun-13 18:37:58

I think I know what I need to do but it's so hard and I'm not totally sure so would like some perspectives please.

Partner and I started a relationship within the last year, things have moved quickly and we are living together. We lost a baby early on and had serious finance issues due to a mix up at the bank and at the time I felt very alone. During that time and on several other occasions he has been sleeping with his ex. In our car, in our bed etc. worse still this was not about sex but a very emotional affair. Texts and declarations, pretending to me he is at work and meeting her for drives out and coffee.

He moved in with me after all this had been going on (within6 weeks) and before I knew about it and Once my bank situation had been resolved and I was financially viable again.

She has been phoning his work and mutual friends of theirs to get his new number (he changed it once I found out) and has told me she wants him back. I think he is revelling in it tbh. I've reacted very strangely and out of character for me in that I've let it slide, told him he is forgiven but it is not forgotten and for the past ten days have enjoyed how our relationship has been. He has been 100% in it for the past couple if months and I can feel that but I wonder what would happen if things got hard again? Do I always have to be this vibrant amazing sex goddess with unrivalled domestic prowess or else he will stray again?

I trust him now but I'm unsure whether how complacent and passive I have been about the whole situation is indicative of my real feelings and I'm just scared of being alone? People have said I've not 'punished' him enough but I don't see the point confused.

Should I be angry? I think I should but I'm not sure why I'm not. I mostly feel sick in my stomach and tired.

TurnipCake Fri 21-Jun-13 18:43:08

Do I always have to be this vibrant amazing sex goddess with unrivalled domestic prowess or else he will stray again?

No, because he would stray even with your best efforts at being the vibrant amazing sex goddess. Believe me, I tried. It resulted in my boss telling me to take the week off work to get myself together.

I trust him now but I'm unsure whether how complacent and passive I have been about the whole situation is indicative of my real feelings and I'm just scared of being alone?

I don't think you trust him, or yourself. I think you are so frightened of being alone that you are pushing all your instincts to the back of your mind and to the point that you're letting the important things slide.

You're right in that he's revelling in this. If your best friend came to you and said, "My bf slept with his ex in our bed" would you give her the same advice that you're living now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 20:03:02

"I mostly feel sick in my stomach and tired."

When I feel like that, it's because I know I've got something very badly wrong.

Finding out a partner is a shit is a serious emotional battering. It's a common reaction (and common mistake) to panic and then compromise and demean yourself, frantically forgiving, basically doing anything in order to get things back the way they were. There's a term for it... 'hysterical bonding'... Once the dust settles and you have chance to think, however, you realise you've made a massive mistake

He may be back and you're not alone but at what cost to your self-respect? Things may seem OK now but you can't really relax and trust him ever again. You'll be forever looking over your shoulder wondering what he's up to next time things get stressed. Worst of all, he screwed around at the time of a miscarriage... that's about as low as it gets.

If you think by being the 'perfect woman' he'll stick around then you're falling for the oldest myth in the book. This is as 'LTB' as it gets... for your own sake.

badinage Fri 21-Jun-13 20:46:57

I was all ready to disagree with the basic premise in your thread title, but having read your individual story, it's as obvious as an obvious thing that you should dump this loser from a great height.

He was screwing around when he'd been with you for barely a year FFS.

It's always a mistake to think that your own behaviour can prevent someone from being unfaithful, or in fact doing anything at all to stop them from doing what they want to do. Don't demean yourself, love. It's also pointless 'punishing' someone when you've decided to stay with him because you both know it doesn't actually mean anything if you aren't prepared to deliver the most effective punishment of all, which is the order of the boot.

Explore your sexuality with a different bloke, love. This one's not worth wasting all that on.

Once a cheater always a doubter.

What you've described makes it sound like it will never drift to the back of your mind for good, just temporarily. Part of you is probably also questioning why the hell you're with him.

niceguy2 Fri 21-Jun-13 20:59:05

So let me get this straight....he lies, cheats and it's not just sex but there's emotional affair included.

His 'ex' is now trying to get him back.

And what you do is do more cooking, cleaning and shagging him senseless.

Yeah, I'd be revelling in it too.

ISuggestYouGoBackThere Fri 21-Jun-13 20:59:53

Cognitio and turnip, thanks for your input. I googled hysterical bonding and can completely align the definition of it with what I have been doing. I'm well educated, beautiful and socially witty but right now I feel like a bloody fool, frumpy and withdrawn. I'm alienating friends by remaining with him and by spending so much time with him. I'm losing myself I feel.

We have a holiday booked for later in the year, I should change the name to a friend shouldn't I? This probably needs to end sooner rather than later. I'm such an idiot.

badinage Fri 21-Jun-13 21:02:52

Yes go on holiday with a friend and shag some other bloke senseless.

ISuggestYouGoBackThere Fri 21-Jun-13 21:08:41

That's exactly what has been happening niceguy. I'm stupid.

Just need to find a taker for two weeks in Florida with my (hopefully not mopey arsed) good self!

maras2 Fri 21-Jun-13 21:13:43

One year in but all this angst.Life is too precious and too short.Get rid and start to enjoy a life where you don't have to play a role.Certainly do not go on holiday with him.He sounds like a real skank so best get an STI check.Good luck.

ScrewIt Fri 21-Jun-13 21:22:59

Once that lines been crossed & they've gotten away with it then yes I think they'll always cheat at some point further down the line, because they already know they can.

Take a friend on holiday, chalk it up to experience & learn from it. This guy is no good.

I also have to agree that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone so go have a fling, have fun & remind yourself that other men & better men do & will find you attractive.

ISuggestYouGoBackThere Mon 08-Jul-13 01:11:46

I'm still with him. Why can't I move on from this? I can do things on my own. I am berating myself constantly and living the illusion of a happy family. I can't seem to break away from trying to please him (although today is the first day for ages that I have worn my hair the way that is more convenient for me rather than how he likes me to have it-progress?). Before the affair we were on 50/50 footing in fact i was probably more self assured and now it's 85/15 his favour and he fucking expects me to go down on him daily.

Today I checked his phone. Nothing on there but I am NOT that person. Or at least I wasn't... I checked it because we fell out and I wondered if he would run straight back to her. How ludicrous I sound. I'm loathing myself right now.

Aussiebean Mon 08-Jul-13 01:27:09

What do you think life would be like if he left?

What is so scary that you prefer to have him in your life sucking your soul?

kalidanger Mon 08-Jul-13 07:35:32

I know how you feel, OP. I had a bf who didn't cheat but was a tick list of controlling behaviour. He'd make a face and I'd change my outfit. I'm not beautiful but I'm witty and popular and my diary was empty as he wanted me home with him. It was all too fast too. And I let things slide because I convinced myself that I was too cool and organised for this to actually to be happening to me. I'd not been in a long term relationship for quite a while and pretended that wasn't the main reason I was holding on to him but it became increasingly clear to me that I was better off alone, being ME than with him being HIS. dumping him hurt physically but I don't regret a thing. I'm back in my skin and not compromising my very essence to the whims of some useless bastard who was not The One The thought it laughable.

I had to behave out of character to get rid of him. But he'd behaved so far out if what my character was used to and deserved that it was easy. I think he thought I was mad but I didn't give a shit what he thought by the end.

I chalk him up to experience. And he's made for some good anecdotes to make my friends shocked and laugh.

Oh, and blow jobs were the first thing to go. I couldn't be so intimate and loving with someone who didn't like me.

Ive waffled a bit, sorry. Just to empathise - don't sleep walk through a crappy situation. You know you are. Gather your wits and get your life back thanks

This is no way to live. Its not a competition between you and her. Let him go and get on with your own life. Spend some time on your own.

It is not normal to give someone a blow job every day in the hope it will stop them straying.

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