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Insight needed about difficult relationship....long

(27 Posts)
Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 13:05:46

Hello mners, please can you tell me any insight you have about my situation.

Me and dp fell in love, and by the time we realized that we had different priorities in life, and different ways of doing thing, I was pregnant. I did not want to terminate, although my dp did want me to at the time he did not put me under any pressure. He moved in 1 month before baby was due,and we tried to find a way of sharing our lives that worked for both of us. We loved each other very much, but had occasional massive arguments when my dp got fed up with my untidy ways. We quickly had another baby, and he lost his job and worked away a lot, so we didn't really live together for a few years. When he came back, he seemed depressed. He wanted to set up his business, and I found this difficult, as he expected support off me that I was unable to give.... Like I just don't have the skills and experience, and was holding down a demanding job myself, and supporting him while he was unemployed.

The arguments got more and more frequent, and he has been utterly vile to me on a number of occasions. He lectures me on how to do things his way, around the house. He seems to expect far more than I can see is realistic given that I am a working mum, with a quite laid back attitude. He seemed to want me to change. He has been verbally abusive on a number of occasions, as well as actually violent on about 4 occasions.

Anyway, after this unhappy situation going on far too long, we decided we should live separately. I didn't want to move out of our house. He insisted that I did, and basically forced me to move by threatening me.

I moved out.

I am extremely resentful about the whole house scenario.
We agreed that we would continue to have a relationship but live separately.

6 months later I don't know what I want. I recently made contact with an ex, and we saw each other again. I fancy him so much. He is communicative, creative, solves his own problem, is independent, loves kids, and I absolutely adored him when we were together very briefly when I was 18. We have that spark, and have shared our feelings, and both feel that right now is probably not the time, and that perhaps there will be a moment in the future.

He has recently returned to the uk after working abroad, and is wanting to settle down and have children.

I am 35 and would love more children if I was in a decent relationship.

After meeting him, i suggested to my dp that we separate for good.
He was really upset. He has, since then apparently changed. It is like the black cloud has lifted. He has started being more appreciative towards me, in stressful moments he has avoided blaming me for stuff. He really seems to have got over the depression that has plagued him. He is more playful with the children, less self absorbed.... Really different.

What do I do? Do I stay with the living apart relationship with the father of my children for the last fertile years of my life, hoping we can repair it?

Or do I separate, and redefine my life as a single woman and maybe give the other guy a chance, knowing full well it might not work out?

Thank you for reading this far, and giving me your thoughts.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 23:51:03

Thanks, jux.
I don't know that he is depressed. He seems depressed to me, but would never go to a doctor. It would be seriously difficult to suggest to him that he do so as well.
I think the power dynamic has been in his favor for many years, and me saying I think we should separate for good has actually shifted this. He is now more considerate towards me. The ting is, he does have redeeming features. He is not a complete bastard like the previous boyfriend. I was so happy to be with someone who wasn't an abusive bastard. But I have somehow become responsible for all the things that haven't gone well, and it makes me feel like shit.

LemonDrizzled Sat 22-Jun-13 01:09:32

Bump you might find it helps to read some of the links on THIS THREAD and you would find a warm welcome there from those of us who have been where you are and are either struggling to leave or have already started a new and happy life free of abuse.

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