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Am I too strict with my husband

(70 Posts)
Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 12:54:46

Hi everyone,

I would really like your honest feedback on this, as if I'm wrong I definitely want to know so I can change the way of my acting.

First of all I have to say that I am generally very happy with my husband. He is great especially during my pregnancy right now and takes good care, helping with the household, cooking etc.
However even though we are extremely happy with each other most of the time, there is one topic we always start fighting about and it seems to be getting worse.
My husband has (in my opinion) a big problem with money. I knew that he wouldn't be the main provider for us financially from the beginning and honestly I don't mind because I do earn enough to take care for both of us. Not that I earn plenty of money but enough to pay all bills, groceries etc plus a few luxuries like dining out, activities and so on.
I think however that it is important to save some of my money as well and to not spend every single penny of it. Again, I'm not talking about large sums but maybe £200.
He however thinks that all the money I'm earning should be available to him and that whenever he asks for it I have to give it. In the beginning I would give him money when I had it but now that I'm pregnant my view has change a lot. One reason is that I want to make sure I have purchased all necessary items for the baby and the other thing is that I really want to start saving money for the child from the time he / she is born.
It seems that he also realised that I got pretty firm with this opinion and he now started to simply take money from my bank account without even asking me. Over the last 3 months he took £1,000 and every time he will only tell me he took after he has spent it already. I got some of it back but in fact only because he asked some friends to deposit some money, which he had planned to later take again but I refused to give it to him.
Anyhow, I don' want this post to be getting too long. Where I need your feedback is the following. After the above mentioned incidents I decided to not give him any large amounts of money anymore, as I am still waiting to receive half of the amount back, which I doubt to ever receive. Some days ago he ask me for another amount because he wanted to go to a match and I refused saying that now that he has a job and he is not paying any of our bills, he should have planned this into his expenses and saved the money to pay the tickets for the match.
I actually offered him to give him part of the amount he asked for but not the whole amount. His response was to throw the money back at me, saying he can't do anything with that small amount of money and I should give him more because I just received some money from my family to buy some more baby stuff.
from this day he doesn't talk to me anymore and sleeps in the living room (now today this would be 5 days).
Am I wrong in thinking that he should cover his own personal expenses with the money he earns since I am not asking for any contributon from his side for our mutual expenses?

Would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

TC

GrassIsntGreener Sun 23-Jun-13 08:51:30

My husband is the primary earner. Money is tight in our house so it's very different. I earn a bit here and there working self employed whilst looking after the house/children.

Our money is always combined into the one main account (then divided into a couple of other accounts accordingly for bills).

He would spend it all. I hate to spend. So I have the main account control and he's happy with that, without me doing it we'd be broke! I don't tend to dip in to buy things that aren't necessary but what I do, is when there's housekeeping money left I might use it for a magazine or something.

If we're buying something over say, £20, we end up discussing it or at least letting the other person know first.

HenWithAttitude Sun 23-Jun-13 08:40:01

...and what Collie says.

HenWithAttitude Sun 23-Jun-13 08:39:35

If you lost your job OP would you husband stay with you? Are you more than just a cash machine to him? (Sorry to ask this)

Colliecollie Sun 23-Jun-13 08:39:28

If he becomes a stay at home dad after you go back to work (if I read that right, if he doesn't get his promotion), and you split up then he might get residency of the child as he would be the main carer, you would then pay him maintenance.

Branleuse Sun 23-Jun-13 08:37:24

have you considered divorce?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 23-Jun-13 08:36:24

oh, and the important thing about money - important things first and ONLY when those things are taken care of do you look at what's left (if anything) and decide what to do with it.

He doesn't appear to give a shit about the important things and behaves like a kid. I Want I Want I Want.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 23-Jun-13 08:34:14

I think he is out of order and using you.

You may have read many threads about women who don't work outside the home and men who don't allow them full access to all the money to spend as they like and the responses tend to be that the man is wrong and controlling, so you may wonder why that isn't being said here. It's not because the genders are reversed!

It's because in those cases the women are invariably contributing massively to the family. Raising the children, keeping the home, doing the non income generating stuff that is required to maintain a family.

In this way they are absolutely contributing equally to the family and NOT getting a free ride!

This situation is not. not not not. the same. He contributes bugger all in any way and is a freeloader.

He isn't going to change so you have to choose what to do. Are you going to stay with a man who gives nothing and takes everything, and police him for the rest of your lives while he screams at you if you don't chuck money at him while he plays at being the big business man? Or are you going to say no, I can't live like this, either shape up or ship out.

justgivemeareason Sun 23-Jun-13 08:25:19

I would be very worried about him looking after the baby when you go back to work. And why are you only taking 2 1/2 months off? You are shouldering all the responsibility for the family here and this will be more strain for you when the baby is born.

The main thing that stood out for me was when you said he doesn't live the life he feels he deserves. He doesn't seem to think he has to work in a normal job like everyone else. Is he surviving on wheeling and dealing (eg selling cigarettes?) That's not what mature family men do. You will be carrying this man for life.

LadyInDisguise Sat 22-Jun-13 09:04:08

Another way to look at it.
DH earns more (most). All the money is going in one account. There is no 'HIS' money and 'My' money just OUR money. I take what I need from it, just as DH does, after all the bills have been paid.
If there isn't enough money, then I don't buy it.
And any major spend (ie over £80~100) is discussed first and agreed.

He sounds just like my XH. Life is sooooooo much easier now we are no longer financially linked.

SourSweets Fri 21-Jun-13 18:24:49

Wowser. My husband earns much more than me and pays for most of the rent and groceries etc, but whatever money I do earn goes only on baby stuff or bills. I would never take money from him or expect him to give me anything for my own personal use. I think you're being incredibly lenient and would be fuming at his sense of entitlement to YOUR hard earned money.

Thurlow Fri 21-Jun-13 16:45:00

Agree with Imperial. The only way some of this would be remotely fair is if your disposable income after bills is still more than his whole income, but that doesn't appear to be the case. At the moment, he is just expecting you, who by the sound of it doesn't earn much more than him, to pay all the bills yourself and then give him extra cash. Which is shocking.

Nothing would ever excuse theft from your account.

And please tell me you are finishing mat leave early because you either want to or are worried about your job, and not for reasons to do with you solely paying the bills?!

ImperialBlether Fri 21-Jun-13 16:16:49

OP, could you break down the figures?

Your take home pay
The total cost of all the bills you pay
What you're left with
His take home pay
The total cost of any bills he pays
What he's left with

I think seeing these figures written down will help us understand and might make you see in black and white what's going on.

YellowTulips Fri 21-Jun-13 16:05:52

OP - regarding your point....

------------
The main reason for he post was just to see if my way of thinking was truly right or if the blame is really with me...
------------

Your way is right. You work hard, live within your means, save what you can and feel appropriately pleased when you can buy something you needed. You deal with people respectfully.

You don't expect others to fund your lifesyle whist you fritter money away on "get rich quick" ideas that constantly fail.

You don't spend money on entertainment in preference to furnishing your home, or buying the basic you need for a baby.

You don't steal huge amounts of money from your partner.

You don't scream and shout at your wife and mother when they refuse to bail you out (again) with more cash.

You don't refuse to contribute to the running of the household.

Sorry - but he really doesn't sound very nice angry

You on the other hand do flowers - I am just wondering why on earth you are putting up with this.

LadyInDisguise Fri 21-Jun-13 15:59:28

The main reason for he post was just to see if my way of thinking was truly right or if the blame is really with me...

Very very clearly, the answer is; You have nothing to be ashamed of and your way of thinking IS right. Actually, if someone should be ashamed, it's him!

And yes I can see hoe it is the not the right way for you yet to have a joint account because it only works if both partners are careful enough.
but in some ways, you will have to find a way for him to get responsible about the shared expenses. If you are the only one to always pay for that, he will just carry on being an entitled twat.

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:29:44

Kick his arse out...the gravy train should stop today

He is a cheeky bastard

OP, I wonder if you come from a culture where women are expected to put up with shit treatment from men? Is he good-looking to the extent that he (and cultural pressures) have persuaded you that he is such a Special Person you should be prepared to give him everything he wants and ask for nothing in return? Your partner is a dishonest parasite who intends to bleed you dry and then fuck off with another woman - they always do when the money's gone/ a baby arrives and the woman who had been doting and indulgent is suddenly more concerned with the baby than with the selfish, childish 'partner'.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:22:10

Or another woman

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:21:55

I reckon he also has a gambling or drug habit.

RandomFriend Fri 21-Jun-13 15:20:44

Those are quite large amounts of money that he has taken with no explanation. Is he gambling?

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:20:36

You seem far too grateful that he helps with the cooking etc. So he should - he is not being "great", - he is just doing exactly what he should=, his bit.

I think he is treating you like some sort of doormat. No way would I put up with this sort of behaviour. Right, I am now off to google cocklodger.

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:18:55

I hear what you're saying CogitoErgoSometimes, believe me I do. But I guess it's my way to cope with it without getting completely depressed.
Anyhow I definitely need to think things through and make things very clear with him. I don't want to leave him right away, as I believe we should at least really try hard before we give up. But believe me when I say that I might be naïve but not that naïve to not realise that things are going wrong and have to change.
The main reason for he post was just to see if my way of thinking was truly right or if the blame is really with me...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 15:16:20

If English isn't your first language you might not understand the word 'ponce' .... but that's what you've got, in every sense of the word.

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:15:00

and when I said matching shoes I actually just meant shoes who look good with his denim not denim shoes. I might not have been clear as English is not my mother tongue blush
...I have to give him at least credit for his fashion sense smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 15:14:46

You're quite right to keep the finances separate. If you gave this man access to all the family's money he's go through it like a slug through petunias..... You'd have nothing.

I wish I could share your sense of the ridiculous but I'm not getting it. I'm just sad and angry that you're wasting your life with this offensive, immature, lying, tit.

I'm also worried about what happens when your baby arrives. Even if you leave the thieving and disrespect out of the picture, a man that selfish and shallow is probably not going to take kindly to a baby hogging the limelight and cramping his style

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