Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I too strict with my husband

(70 Posts)
Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 12:54:46

Hi everyone,

I would really like your honest feedback on this, as if I'm wrong I definitely want to know so I can change the way of my acting.

First of all I have to say that I am generally very happy with my husband. He is great especially during my pregnancy right now and takes good care, helping with the household, cooking etc.
However even though we are extremely happy with each other most of the time, there is one topic we always start fighting about and it seems to be getting worse.
My husband has (in my opinion) a big problem with money. I knew that he wouldn't be the main provider for us financially from the beginning and honestly I don't mind because I do earn enough to take care for both of us. Not that I earn plenty of money but enough to pay all bills, groceries etc plus a few luxuries like dining out, activities and so on.
I think however that it is important to save some of my money as well and to not spend every single penny of it. Again, I'm not talking about large sums but maybe £200.
He however thinks that all the money I'm earning should be available to him and that whenever he asks for it I have to give it. In the beginning I would give him money when I had it but now that I'm pregnant my view has change a lot. One reason is that I want to make sure I have purchased all necessary items for the baby and the other thing is that I really want to start saving money for the child from the time he / she is born.
It seems that he also realised that I got pretty firm with this opinion and he now started to simply take money from my bank account without even asking me. Over the last 3 months he took £1,000 and every time he will only tell me he took after he has spent it already. I got some of it back but in fact only because he asked some friends to deposit some money, which he had planned to later take again but I refused to give it to him.
Anyhow, I don' want this post to be getting too long. Where I need your feedback is the following. After the above mentioned incidents I decided to not give him any large amounts of money anymore, as I am still waiting to receive half of the amount back, which I doubt to ever receive. Some days ago he ask me for another amount because he wanted to go to a match and I refused saying that now that he has a job and he is not paying any of our bills, he should have planned this into his expenses and saved the money to pay the tickets for the match.
I actually offered him to give him part of the amount he asked for but not the whole amount. His response was to throw the money back at me, saying he can't do anything with that small amount of money and I should give him more because I just received some money from my family to buy some more baby stuff.
from this day he doesn't talk to me anymore and sleeps in the living room (now today this would be 5 days).
Am I wrong in thinking that he should cover his own personal expenses with the money he earns since I am not asking for any contributon from his side for our mutual expenses?

Would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

TC

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 12:57:42

I got as far as him taking money out of your account without permission. That's just straightforward theft and there's no excuse for that. Don't care how good he is or how many times he runs round with the dusters, thieving and lying are appalling traits in someone.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 21-Jun-13 12:58:07

One word manchild!

LizaRose Fri 21-Jun-13 12:58:57

You pay all the bills? Groceries and luxuries? He works and gets to keep all his wages for jollies and wants extra from you too? You want to save £200 (per month?) for baby expenses with upcoming maternity leave and he wants to spend it on football?

Google "cocklodger", I would say you have one.

Bogeyface Fri 21-Jun-13 12:59:09

LEt me get this straight.

He has a job and contribute NOTHING to your household expenses?
He spends ALL of his wages and then expects you to just hand over large amounts of cash as and when he demands it?
When you refuse he steals from your bank account?

This isnt "being too strict" this is a total dealbreaker for me. This man is, in the very best traditions of MN, a complete cocklodger.

So he pays nothing towards any bills, food, any expenses at all, even though he has a job, steals money out of your account, asks you for more and then refuses to speak to you if you say no?

Tbh, he would have been out of the door the first time he stole money from me

maleview70 Fri 21-Jun-13 13:04:12

He is taking the piss. You know it and as you have let him get away with it the liberties he is taking are getting worse.

He knows you are his gravy train though so he won't be in a rush to go anywhere.

Sadly I think you will be in for a lifetime of crap with this bloke.

EccentricElastic Fri 21-Jun-13 13:04:35

Wow! he's a thief and an immature arse! shock

He's about to be a father for goodness sake. He needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities.

....and apologise to you profusely and meaningfully for his pathetic sofa surfing behaviour!

Why are you together at all now given his behaviours towards you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Its better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as you currently are.

Thurlow Fri 21-Jun-13 13:05:59

Ok, so I get the impression you earn different amounts of money. There are lots of different ways of splitting the costs up, either you pay x amount each or you completely pool your money. But it sounds like you are paying all the bills, food etc., and his income is just for him? Unless you are bringing in £20k a month and he is bringing in 1K, there's no way on earth that is fair.

You both need to be contributing equally to the running of the household and then either keeping your own disposable income or pooling it.

I'd say in 99% of marriages/partnership, no matter whether people keep their own bank accounts for security, the majority of money is just pooled.

If he's taking it out of "your" account, how is he managing it? If it is just your account and you've given him the pin number, that's pretty much theft. If it's 'your' money in a joint account than morally it is theft, but it is nominally shared money. In which case get it out and put in an account you don't share.

travelforpleasure Fri 21-Jun-13 13:06:38

I am in the opposite situation of being the lower earner and I will take money from my DH's account, I don't expect to have to ask permission every time! I do expect the household income to be available to both partners in a marriage, it shouldn't matter who is earning it, it belongs to the household. I don't consider it to be stealing and nor would DH!

Of course, both partners do need to understand that savings are important too, and we have enough that I can spend what I like on leisure activities and still have a good level of savings.

It would be better for both of you to make it clearer how the family income is split. We don't divide up our accounts into personal expenses/pocket money as there is always enough to go around, but if you're on a tighter budget then you need to agree how much is available for discretionary spending. I think it's fair enough that the higher earner should share their income if that enables the both parties to have equal spending money - if DH didn't do that, he'd have a much higher level of spending money than me and that wouldn't be fair.

LizaRose Fri 21-Jun-13 13:06:49

OP, when your baby is born, will you go straight back to work and pay for childcare out of your wages while your partner carries on spending his entire paycheck on himself?

OH ever took money from my account without asking he would be out the door. Unless it was an emergency and was spent on something like a plumber so our house wasn't flooded and he absolutely couldn't get hold of me. But in general, he'd be out.

I had a friend go through similar and in the end he got violent when she put her foot down, though he earned considerably more than her he still demanded it was her money that was spent. They split before lo was born, and unsurprisingly he's now refused to financially support his lo (and got himself out of csa jurisdiction to make it extra hard). I hope that doesn't happen OP, but his behaviour given his attitude towards her and her money didn't make it surprising.

defineme Fri 21-Jun-13 13:08:04

He is behaving like a child rather than a man with a baby on the way.
If he does his bit around the house he is not 'helping' you he is simply doing his fair share-you don't need to be grateful for that-it's just civilised behaviour.
If both partners are good with money then I believe in joint accounta-dh and I pool our wages in a joint account and then discuss anything but minor personal expenses. Eg I'm going away for the weekend and I discussed it with him first-I didn't ask his permission, I just discussed with him if we had available funds and if there wasn't anything more pressing to spend it on.

However, your dh seems to believe what's his is his and what's yours is his too! Stealing from your account is outrageous behaviour!

What do you get from this relationship? Is he going to do the childcare when you have the baby?

TheFallenNinja Fri 21-Jun-13 13:08:44

I'm trying to think of the opposite of strict.

Total cocklodger.

cestlavielife Fri 21-Jun-13 13:14:31

how can he take from your own personal account unless you given him a bank card? if you have given him access then it isnt theft.

you married so assets are shared...both contribute to bills etc... decide how you you split the money/arrange for household expenses and so on and how much is left for each personal expenditure.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Fri 21-Jun-13 13:14:44

OP he sounds like an entitled twat. Not strict, unbelievably lenient in financial terms.

Dahlen Fri 21-Jun-13 13:24:24

Strict is not really a word anyone should be using in association with a spouse. It immediately shows that there is a power imbalance in someone's head.

When I first started reading your thread I was reversing the gender roles and thinking about how financially abusive it would seem to deny a partner access to what should be shared income. THen I thought you clearly have massively mismatched approaches to money management and may need some professional help to find some middle ground.

By the time I finished reading your post, however, I had firmly reached the conclusion that he is taking the piss big time. His behaviour is outrageous, it really is.

I know you won't want to hear this, but IME people like this will simply find a way to turn the situation back on you rather than change their ways. I can almost guarantee that if you tackle him on this you'll get to hear all about the importance of sharing everything in your marriage. You may even get a sob story about how emasculating it is having a wife who earns more than he does. He'll probably steer the conversation round so that you end up apologising to him.

Squitten Fri 21-Jun-13 13:27:56

He contributes nothing to the household, spends all his own money and then steals from you on top?!

He would be out the door. Tonight.

RobotElephant Fri 21-Jun-13 13:31:01

I would set up another account or restrict his access to yours. One account for all the bills that have to go out, one for any savings you need to make to cover baby expenses/mat leave. Make sure he doesn't have access to these.

Whatever is left is up to you to divide between you how you both see fit. Available money should be joint money.
However, this bloke sounds like a cocklodger. Why doesn't he contribute to household expenses if he has a job? If he's not contributing anything, where does his money go?

My sister lived with a bloke a bit like this, but he was a gambler and would steal money if he could. |The only way they could deal with it was totally separate accounts.

Bogeyface Fri 21-Jun-13 13:33:19

What do you have left after you have paid all the bills etc and put some money into savings? Is it the same as his wages? Do you have roughly the same amount of personal money each month? Is he contributing anything towards the cost of the babys things?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 13:36:34

" His response was to throw the money back at me, saying he can't do anything with that small amount of money and I should give him more"

This is not about fair division of income... this is about a spoilt brat chucking his toys out of the pram because 'Nanny' won't give him more money for sweets...

RobotElephant Fri 21-Jun-13 13:39:56

"This is not about fair division of income... this is about a spoilt brat chucking his toys out of the pram because 'Nanny' won't give him more money for sweets.."

^ this.

YellowTulips Fri 21-Jun-13 13:41:06

You need sit down and talk this through.

A marriage is a partnership - emotional and financial and its only going to work when both parties have shared goals.

I think you already know that he is behaving badly, but the flip side is that he is probably resentful of your financial position.

It sounds like you have separate personal bank accounts? So do me and my DH, BUT we have a finance spreadsheet where we list all our "family" outgoings and agree who will pay what and we do so proportionte to income.

We then agree a personal budget each (the same for us both) and anything left goes into a joint savings account.

Big purchases are jointly agreed as is anything that requires either one of us to "dip" into savings. We are both free to spend our "personal budgets" as we see fit, but we both live within it.

We update "the mony sheet" every few months or so, or when there is a specific change to our circumstances e.g. when I was on maternity, or DH getting a pay rise.

It works for us as there is a clear understanding of our contibution, but an equality in "personal spends" despite the fact that one party earns more than the other.

Perhaps something like this would work for you both?

RobotElephant Fri 21-Jun-13 13:41:11

Oh, I should have been more clear
When I said "Whatever is left is up to you to divide between you how you both see fit. Available money should be joint money. " I meant any money left over, whether it's from your salary or his , should be fairly even.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now