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OMG I feel so much better already - cutting off family.

(22 Posts)
wonderingagain Wed 26-Jun-13 21:09:33

Well done Lionessy I know that feeling and it can be exhausting. You have your own lovely family, focus on them and the good people around you. You might find more good people crop up now that you have left the bad ones behind.

Salbertina Wed 26-Jun-13 20:59:53

Thanks, Op and seriously well done! Quite a feat to stand up to 7 siblings too, I admire your strength and faith in yourself. Glad you got there in the end!

Lionessy Wed 26-Jun-13 20:52:57

Salbertina I have been through the desperate/confused/dysfunctional/hurt/unforgiving and on my mind so much of the time period. I was also 'stuck' but I have realised that I am never going to come to a conclusion or be welcomed back into the family (that family was a fantasy anyway), that's why for me the best thing to do has been to let go mentally and physically.

This has been a long hard road and has taken almost 3 years since initial 'confrontation', after 6 months of therapy, with a short period of NC then I backtracked as I did'nt want to lose them (my 7 siblings cut me off as I dared to portray my mother as anything other than perfect), tried to accept that I was wrong, over reacting, was actually crazy, must be making up false memories etc but I have always known MY truth. The fact that I feel so different about myself in the last week speaks for itself!

((((hugs)))) Hope you find an answer.

Madamecastifiore you are so right about feeling 'substandard'. I have always felt like that, so inferior and wrong. My therapist actually told me she felt very angry at my mother on my behalf! I have finally decided to that they don't deserve the love that I have felt for them while they have isolated, belittled and sniggered about me. I am going to keep that love for myself - finally.

Zippey and Thumbwitch Thank you.

Salbertina Wed 26-Jun-13 20:04:02

Good for you, Op, glad its brought you peace.

Sadly, you see, for me it hasn't. Somehow everything magnified now we're officially NC, feel by turn desperate/confused/dysfunctional/hurt/unforgiving and on my mind so much of the time. Have had therapy, v helpful at first now stuck.
Sorry for hijack.

I applaud you. It's fab isn't it not carrying all that shit around.

My therapist said to me years ago that I feel like something is wrong with me and it is all my fault because they have made me feel like I am substandard from their actions whereas any normal person looking in from the outside would say they are the ones who are substandard and not normal.

She said as their child they shouldn't make me feel like this whatever I had done, would I ever make my child feel like that?

It was eye opening, I spent years craving their love and acceptance and now look at them and think fuck em, they are not worthy.

I am glad you have got to the stage you have. Stay string and realise that it's your choice whether you interact with them but really, what do they bring to your life other than heartache?

zippey Wed 26-Jun-13 05:05:22

Really great news. I've just read your other thread, and you sound like a remarkable person.

Thumbwitch Wed 26-Jun-13 03:47:20

Hurrah! winethanksgrin

Lionessy Tue 25-Jun-13 21:09:54

Well it has been a whole week now and the physical symptoms of my anxiety that I would feel more of less constantly all day every day (lightheadedness, major palpatations, head rushes, fear that I would faint/drop dead any moment) have GONE!

Tis quite unbelievable. I think my mind had been majorly fucked over by my mother and, my siblings total apathy towards me. The decision to just let them go has totally 'unblocked' me.

Wow, just, wow grin.

loveliesbleeding1 Sat 22-Jun-13 10:41:02

Yes I have been and its very hard but worth not having all the grief tbh, I do feel envious though when friends are close to their mums because ive never had that, all you can do is do is what your doing by not letting it affect your own family,(you and your hubby and children) best of luck xx

samsungsing Fri 21-Jun-13 15:17:33

Lionessy CONGRATS!!

I was extremely worried that you were walking into the lions den by even considering attending. Cant post in here often as this place is triggerville central.

BTW - Be prepared for the demons (ex family members) who will try to drag you back down to their level.

Once again - extremely happy for you!! wine

Thumbwitch Fri 21-Jun-13 14:53:22

Bloody good move, Lionessy! I hoped this thread had been started by you when I read the title grin
Can I just applaud your bravery in deciding to cut them off now. I know, from previous threads, that you have wanted nothing more than to be a part of your family - but I think you have made absolutely the right decision in the circumstances.

I really hope that your husband is supportive of you in this - and if he isn't, kick him into touch as well. You have done the best thing for yourself and if he can't see that then he's not worthy of you either.

So pleased you're already feeling the benefits. thanks for you.

I only have a toxic sister, but I understand the relief of cutting her out and your family sound much worse than her.

I understand from the other thread how much you've wanted to be part of a family and this must be hard for you, but you will feel amazing relief. My mother has been in the same situation and has finally let go too, and I can assure you she never repeated her parent's mistakes and feels a lot happier now.

castlesintheair Fri 21-Jun-13 14:35:49

Just read the whole thread about the wedding that you linked to Lionessy. It all sound's frighteningly familiar to me. You are doing the right thing. Brilliant advice from attilla and others especially about how we shouldn't be persuaded by people who are not from toxic families however well intentioned they are.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 21-Jun-13 14:09:59

I haven't been unlucky enough to experience this myself but more power to your elbow. Bet life will be so much better without all this crap!

Well done!

I did the same about 10 yrs ago, and it's amazing what a difference it's made to me.

I did have to threaten to get a restraining order at one point, but that was a good few years ago.

wine and flowers for you!

castlesintheair Fri 21-Jun-13 13:17:36

I did the same thing as you nearly 3 years ago. Be prepared for quite a bit of aggro from extended family and even friends to begin with but if you can stick with it, it stops eventually. Although it's a sad situation to find yourself in - but we can't change them can we? - I have never felt better. My life-long depression, anxiety and general misery have vanished. I have never felt so happy. Good luck to you and I wish you much strength and happiness.

WinkyWinkola Fri 21-Jun-13 13:09:23

Well done. Good for you. You've got balls. Your family couldn't take your inherent strength away from you.

Expect some more argy bargy from them but stay resolute and hopefully they will never be able to damage you again.

EccentricElastic Fri 21-Jun-13 12:59:05

You're very welcome lionessy smile

squeelybean Fri 21-Jun-13 12:56:04

Well done and have a bunch of these to celebrateflowers

Dh did exactly the same nearly 4 years ago because of a very similar upbringing. The difference in him overnight was incredible. He lost his nervousness, anxiety and anger within hours and best of all stopped smoking weed for the first time since he was 12blushshock He's now 35.

As a bonus he met his bio Dad for the first time since childhood last weekend and its all gone fantastically well.

We now know why his position within the family was so low, he's the spit in every way of his Dad!

Goodluck on starting a wonderful new chapter of your life.

Lionessy Fri 21-Jun-13 12:46:51

EccentricElastic Thank you muchly and I intend to have all that!

EccentricElastic Fri 21-Jun-13 12:33:04

Lionessy
On reading your post I couldn't just go without commenting, even though I can only say 'no' to having ever been in your situation, so I couldn't even begin to understand what you have gone through.

All I can say is that I wish you well from today (the first day of the rest of your new life) and onwards.
I send you Lots of luck, hugs, and breezy blue sky days, you deserve it.
flowers flowers flowers

Lionessy Fri 21-Jun-13 12:25:36

My previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1780671-Advice-needed-from-you-O-Wise-Ones-Invited-to-estranged-sisters-wedding-do-I-go-and-risk-a-massive-family-row. Many thanks to all who contributed to that thread.

I have mentally and physically decided to cut off from my parents and siblings. The mental part is key to me as I have been waiting for most of my life to loved and accepted by them but it's not going to happen.

I have tried and failed to tell them how I felt, hoping they would tell me it's all been a mistake but I WAS scapegoated, made to feel like I was crazy, nasty, inferior, shameful and I have been carrying that all my life until now at 41 years of age when I feel like I can finally shrug it all off! I cannot convey how much it has damaged my life sad.

It's early days but I am already feeling less anxiety in general amazingly! I have been in hell and it's taken me a long time to accept that my family are the problem NOT me. I feel very sad that's come to this and always will but I need to cut off so I can find ME.

I remembered this morning when I 'disclosed' to my mother that I had been sexually abused earlier this year. Her immediate response was 'No way, not one of MY kids, it was probably that 16 year old who used to babysit, you know I had to work 3 jobs to feed you all, do you think you can get over it now?' It was all about HER, she never asked what happened, how I felt etc. It was not the babysitter, it was someone much closer to home. After all this was the woman who strangled me almost to unconciousness at the age of 13 when I told her that I wished my dad had taken me with him when he left, so what on earth did I expect?

As sad as it is, I never had a loving, caring mother or father. He fucked off when I was 7, told me I needed professional help when I met him again at the age of 38 when I asked him why he left me with her (I have and it was through my counsellor that I saw how crazy THEY were). I now know that the way I feel about my DCs and how much I care for and love them, means that I will NOT be repeating the cycle.

Ahhh, finally relief grin. Anyone else been though something similar?

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