Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

Do I contact my niece on her birthday?

(14 Posts)
MrsWolowitz Fri 21-Jun-13 09:35:49

This thread related to my SIL and her terrible treatment of my DH.

I've decided that I want nothing more to do with her. I can't cope with all the upset and anguish and find it very triggering for my MH issues. DH still wants a relationship with her but will not contact her and will wait for get to contact us, he says if she chooses never to contact us again he will be gutted but so be it. He always runs to her so I don't think she will contact us again. Especially seeing as DH has finally stood up to her and she may realise she can't bully him anymore.

Anyway, it's her DD's 10th birthday next week. They live abroad. DH wants to ask whether he should call. I think a quick FB message on SIL's wall or text to his niece will be fine. (SIL has never sent a card etc to our DC).

Then the following week is SIL's birthday and DH doesn't know what to do about that either. I think FB message again or ignore.

She is just so abusive and horrible. This whole situation is so upsetting but deciding to cut her off has given me peace about it in the first time in months. I want to support DH with what he chooses to do but I don't want to give her any excuse to be nasty or feel that DH has come running back to her again as he always does.


Numberlock Fri 21-Jun-13 09:37:43

You send the message to the niece and leave your husband to decide what he does about contacting his sister.

MrsWolowitz Fri 21-Jun-13 09:44:51

He doesn't know what to decide that's why we've consulted the wisdom of MN.

We've talked about it so much but just don't know what is best way to proceed with her.

She's hurt us both so many times but she is still DH's sister and we keep hoping she will change. She doesn't though, she just keeps pushing boundaries further and being more nasty.

Numberlock Fri 21-Jun-13 09:50:18

Just a post on FB then, see how/if she responds.

iheartdusty Fri 21-Jun-13 09:58:35

text DN if she has her own phone and/or post birthday card to DN,
FB post for SIL the following week if anything at all.

seems harsh for DN as she may never know if you just send a FB post and she doesn't get to see it.

MrsWolowitz Fri 21-Jun-13 10:00:25

She won't respond.

I'm sure we will just be slated for not calling but if we call we will get a load of abuse and once again, we have made first contact with her.

So exhausting and upsetting.

Numberlock Fri 21-Jun-13 10:08:55

I think you need to let it go then. Acknowledge birthdays and Christmas to keep contact open for the future, especially with niece, but why open yourselves up for abuse? She doesn't enhance your lives in any way and just because she's family doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

What do your in-laws make of it all?

MrsWolowitz Fri 21-Jun-13 10:18:58

MIL is dead but SIL was awful to her when she was alive. Made her cry whenever they went to visit her or when SIL came here. MIL asked DH to promise her that he wouldn't lose touch with SIL so DH feels bound by that.

FIL just says "well, that's just SIL, she's always been a brat" and lets her get away with it. Interestingly, he has remarried and his new wife can't abide SIL and has refused to go and visit her again because of her attitude so now FIL goes alone.

Numberlock Fri 21-Jun-13 10:38:08

So she's your husband's sister then? Yes he wants to do the right thing by his mum but keeping in touch can mean lots of things and in his shoes I'd interpret it as birthday and Christmas cards only. Maintain contact with the niece as you'll be able to see her on her own at some point.

The SIL really isn't worth this level of anguish. How does her husband handle her?

DorisShutt Fri 21-Jun-13 10:44:47

Birthday cards and Christmas cards with polite, non-committal messages as you would to an acquaintance for SIL.

Niece more friendly, happy cards as you say you wish to maintain her relationship.

Then just wait and see.

His sister is unlikely to change; this is who she is. You would not tolerate this from a friend; family are truly no different.

Would not have any forms of communications at all with these people. Your niece I would think hardly knows you anyway and who knows what rubbish her head has been filled with regarding you two.

Rosa Fri 21-Jun-13 10:53:41

I would say a card then they don't have to respond. Simple message .
For the niece card / voucher if you are on that level addressed to her . Seems that your dh wants to be normal so let him be the ' superior one' and act as a normal human being would.

Scruffey Fri 21-Jun-13 11:04:43

Card in the post is most painless I think

BIWI Fri 21-Jun-13 11:09:12

Just send a card.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now