Marriage in trouble - please help

[somanycakessolittletime]

Struggling to know where to start...

Been married for four years, two children aged 2 and 4 months.

I have had depression with both pregnancies.

We have just moved to a bigger house in a village to get away from rough area in our local city.

Things should be great but I don't know if I can stay married to my husband :(

I have to pussyfoot around trying not to upset him all the time and never know what is going to set him off.

The latest row... He works abroad every July for a month. Ages ago, I asked him if it was ok if my mum comes up at the end of June for a couple of days (she's only seen the baby a couple of times) and he said that's fine as he was going to be working a lot preparing and packing for his trip.

Last night we were going thought the calendar and he went mad because my mum is coming up just before he goes away. He said 'this is the fourth year in a row you've done this to me' and accused me of putting other people first and acting like he doesn't exist.

I'm so genuinely confused as to what I've done wrong - I asked him if it was ok and he said yes, and now he's changed his mind.

I haven't seen my mum for two months and am struggling with a toddler and a baby.

TBH I'm looking forward to him going away as I won't have to put up with his moods and try to placate him all the time. It feels like I've got three children, not two!

As a child of divorced parents myself I didn't ever want my kids to go through what I went through but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Nothing is straightforward, he gets angry about things all the time and stresses out in front of the kids. My daughter is always saying 'I don't want to see Daddy'

This is the latest in a very long series of similar incidents and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown if I continue in this way.

I just don't know what I would do or where the kids and I would go. I feel so upset as we've only just moved into our house :( please help.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

He is emotionally abusive.

You know it's not normal to pussyfoot around your husband/wife?

Also why do you have to ask if your mum can come around?

It all sounds very controlling and not very nice.

Your children don't even like him. To be honest I would try and get out

[Longdistance]

I agree with Girl.

When he leaves in July, you should leave and go stay with your mum, or a friend, and leave. A month is long enough to sort yourself out, when he's away.

He sounds nasty, and I'd want to leave him too.

[vanilla01]

hi somanycakessolittletime - ready my post from yesterday - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1784096-me-again-its-still-going-on-long-sorry my story is so similar to yours.
when i read yours i couldnt believe that you have to ask if your mum can come round - i have to do the same - and usually the answer is no because on the day she wants to come round he is working from home and doesnt want to be disturbed (knob!)
i am struggling to leave as well - im terrified - i am also on anitidepressants to try and cope with it all. i am told daily that i am selfish, i never want to do anything for the the family "him" and always put others first.
be strong - i find trying to detach myself from it all - i will find the strength one day to go. i think you will too xxxx they are emotional abusers and its taken me this long to realise - ive been in denial for so long
xx

[somanycakessolittletime]

Thanks everyone.
Some added complications...
I'm about to return to work following mat leave. How long do I have to stay in job before I can leave and not pay mat leave money back? I would prob have to move a long way to be nearer family. I couldn't move back with my parents as step dad is 83 and couldn't cope with me plus two small children and step mum has had a stroke so similar story there. It's all so complicated and I can't really see how I'm going to be able to cope practically and financially.
Daughter is up now and asked to go downstairs with daddy which makes me feel guilty for thinking about taking them away. He's been divorced before and I think this would tip him over the edge if I left too. So confused and don't recognise myself anymore :(

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

Can you not see if the council can help you with temporary accommodation while you get yourself sorted?

[doormat]

Contact womensaid they can help you...

It can be a long process leaving but until you actually leave start putting aside some money

Also keep an overnight bag handy with a clean set of clothes for you and your dc

Ensure all paperwork ire passports..child benefit other forms of id..
s in a folder and is easy to access when the time comes

I feel this situation will esculatevand you will have no choice but to walk out with your dc but until you do womensaid can help you get prepared and above easy steps...goid luck sweetheart xxx

[doormat]

Sorry if msg is a bit spelt wrong...ipads fault ...good luck xxx

[janesnowdon1]

You need to check your employment contract as paying back the money if you don't return conditions can vary. However, if you have a reasonable employer they may waive the conditions (mine did due to circumstances)

If you can face it arm yourself with all the knowlege about your situation that you can. Go on the directgov site and pump in some figures on their benefits calculator to see what you might be entitled too. CAB also give advice, but you may have to wait for an appointment. Family lawyers often give a half hour free advice on your rights etc. You may be surprised by how much you can get.

Also check out the support thread on MN for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships there are a great set of links to books and websites etc at the top of the thread.

[Ivvu6]

Before you make any decisions, you should talk to him. I was in similar situation and after I talked to my husband how I felt he changed. And OP maybe he wants to spend some time with you before he leaves. Why can't your mother come around when he is away. I wouldn't even ask her to come if I would know that my husband is leaving for a month

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Nothing is straightforward, he gets angry about things all the time and stresses out in front of the kids"

I'm sure that part of the reason you've been depressed during your pregnancies and are sounding depressed now is that you're living in a depressing/stressful/anxiety-provoking environment with this horrible bully. Please don't feel confused about the children. They're only following your lead by keeping him sweet. I doubt they like him as much as you think. Even very small children can sense when there is a threat.

I think your next step is to get some advice and support... professional where possible and also from friends and family. The better informed you are, the more confident you'll feel about next steps and the better able you'll be to assert yourself.

Talk to Womens Aid as they are very used to advising women in your situation. CAB might be able to help you on the maternity pay question. It would even be a good idea to talk to a solicitor and understand your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. Good luck

[Kiwiinkits]

Don't make any decisions until you're sure this isn't the PND talking. Your emotions about your DH and your relationship might be being skewed by your mental ill-health. Are you getting good treatment?

[dreamingbohemian]

Honestly, I think if you're happier when he's away, then it's time to leave.

In a way, it really is that simple. I understand the consequences of that decision are very complicated, but the decision itself is not.

Why not see a solicitor when he's gone, and find out what you would be entitled to? Perhaps you wouldn't have to move home after all.

[somanycakessolittletime]

Thanks again everyone.
Ivvu6 I see what you're saying but my mum can't come in July plus she hasn't seen my 4 month old son for 2 months. Plus my husband originally said that it was fine as he will be busy working and packing in preparation for his trip.
He did apologise this morning which is something.
At least I've got the m
I'm going to have a very early night and think again tomorrow when I'm a bit clearer.

[somanycakessolittletime]

Oops - was going to say at least I've got a month without him to have a good think and investigate my options.
I really appreciate your support. Thanks again x

[Mabelface]

I don't think depression is the reason for her having to walk on egg shells. My mother is welcome to come any time she wants, that comes from both my husband and me and is normal and healthy in a relationship. Somanycakes, do have a good think, speak to WA and work out what it is you want to do. You have the luxury of time and don't need to rush into anything.

[somanycakessolittletime]

Thanks Madlizzy, it makes me feel better that I don't have to rush. The thing is, his moods are unpredictable. One minute he was fine last night and the next really angry. Booze doesn't help - it makes him so unreasonable and then he doesn't sleep properly so gets more stressed then more wine to 'relax' and so on.

[something2say]

This would be domestic abuse. Eggshells, unexplained anger, exploding, pussy footing.

Can you take some professional advice re how to separate? Finances and so forth? It may be that you divide the assets and then you take it from there.mmprivate rent, part time job, housing benefit perhaps to top up the rent?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So he's basically just a nasty drunk? 'Stressed' is not a reason to either take it out on your family or hit the bottle. It's an excuse. When you have your month without him ask yourself what responsibility he's taking for this behaviour. Or does he do his own sweet thing and everyone else is supposed to put up with it?

[somanycakessolittletime]

Yes, I wish he wouldn't drink. It makes everything so much worse. If I try and talk to him about it he gets defensive. I will take some advice from the professionals whilst he's away. Just feel heartbroken at the thought of my children growing up apart from their dad as I know how that feels.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Defensive' or 'aggressive dismissing it as no problem'? Why should your kids be forced to endure a childhood trapped in a house with a nasty drunk that hates their mother?....