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It is better to have a baby alone than with an unsupportive partner because....

(21 Posts)
ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 21:12:04

Hi

I'm 5 months pregnant & my (D)P of 5.5 yrs has come to the conclusion that he has changed his mind about the (planned) pregnancy & no longer loves me. It's over.

I'm not trying to save the relationship as I don't see anything salvageable if that is the case. It would have to come from him & it isn't so I'm letting him go.

I know that it's better to raise a baby alone than with someone who has become unsupportive/unreliable/uncaring I know that. I just need reminding of why exactly as I'm so so scared.

Any examples & wisdom to refer back to would be greatly appreciated. Even though its the right thing to do its still very hard & is very sad.

Lweji Thu 20-Jun-13 21:25:10

You can do it.
Often an unsuportive partner is more work than the baby alone.

What is he planning about the baby?

If he wants contact, at least you are likely to get some hours, then days free, unlike if he was leaving all the baby duty to you at home.

FreakoidOrganisoid Thu 20-Jun-13 21:25:42

Sorry to hear of your situation sad
Some of the main reasons I've found it easier without xh:
Less resentment, yes you have to do it all yourself but that's a lot easier when there isn't someone slumped in front of the tv whilst you do everything, or moaning about how shit their life is now, or complaining if you ask them to hold the baby for 5 mins so you can shower...

No need to defer to someone else when making decisions, you can just do it your way (this can also be hard at times but friends and family can be willing to offer opinions if needed)

You can just look after you and the baby.

Sorry for the rushed message, I hope you're ok.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 21:29:54

His 'plans' swing between telling me he's going to fight me for custody & take the baby from me to telling me to have an abortion as 24 weeks is the cut off.

The custody thing is ridiculous & doesn't worry me. I think it's because he wants me to retaliate with 'you'll never see thus child' & then he has his excuse. I refuse to though.

I live a 3hr drive (on a good day) from my family so it will be alone alone I suspect.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 21:31:13

Thanks FO you're right that would be a nightmare.

Lweji Thu 20-Jun-13 21:33:22

You can always work on a network of mums/single mums to provide reciprocal support, such as baby sitting, for example.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 21:38:18

Does being a mum make it easier to make friends? I suspected it would be harder.

velvetspoon Thu 20-Jun-13 21:45:06

I've done both.

I had DS1 entirely on my own. His dad disappeared long before he was born, I did the whole pregnancy and birth on my own. I don't have any family but friends helped a bit. And it was ok. A bit lonely at times, this was 15 years ago, there were no single parents where I lived at the time and no mum and baby groups, I am sure that side of things must be much better nowadays.

I met my Ex when DS1 was 18 months old, and a year later we had DS2.

My Ex was a complete tosser. I did everything myself after DS was born. Ex took a total of 2 days off work when DS2 was born (1 to take me to hospital, 1 to bring me home) and moaned about that. He wasn't with me during the birth. Despite having no real experience with babies, he constantly claimed to know better than me, told me to give up breastfeeding, to do controlled crying, when we started weaning said the food I gave Ds was shit and not fit for a dog...you get the idea.

When DS1 was tiny, if I wanted to go to bed at 8, or sit around in PJs all day, not bother with housework or have biscuits for dinner, I could. With DS2, I was subject to Ex's wishes, had to cook a proper dinner every night, keep house spotless.

I know which was easier!

I split up with DS's dad when I was pregnant. My years as a single parent were honestly some of the happiest of my life, although I was terrified at first.

Yes, less resentment, less work and you're the boss.

Also, I had a better social life as a LP, partly because I made a big effort to push myself to get out and meet people, which doesn't come naturally to me. Now I'm in a couple again I have a much smaller circle of friends I see regularly. I saw a thread on here the other week about a group LP camping trip and I was thinking 'ooh I'd love to go!' - I remember some great camping trips with other LPs when the DC were little. But ... I'm no longer a LP and the DC are all grown up now grin

What else ... when your DC is finally in bed you can watch whatever you want on the telly, you can cook whatever you want, you can eat noodles in bed if the fancy takes you.

You might have less money but the budgeting is easier because you're not working around someone else's stupid priorities.

You're a better role model as a contented LP than you would be if you stayed in a shit relationship and put up with a load of crap.

You're free to start a new relationship when someone lovely comes along.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:21:51

I know people have done/are doing it a million times over but it really helps to see. Thank you.

Jaquen24 Fri 21-Jun-13 06:27:04

I did/am doing it.

Did it from pregnancy and DS is now almost 3.

Being with the dad when they're useless only serves to make you feel more alone and hurt than doing it by yourself, where you just deal with one child, not two hmm grin

I'd also advise that you stop talking to him until DC is born. There's no need and he'll only make you stressed/ruin your ability to just enjoy the pregnancy & early stage.

If he pulls his finger out, great. If not, then at least the DC will have one parent who gives a toss. That's all that counts at the end of the day!

Good luck smile

Lweji Fri 21-Jun-13 06:40:54

Being a single mum doesn't automatically make it easier to make friends, but you can, and through local websites you can get meet ups.

It depends on you a bit to make the effort, but it's possible to grow that network of friends.

calmingtea Fri 21-Jun-13 06:42:37

Having an unsupportive partner means you essentially are a single mother anyway, but with so much stress and dysfunction in your life taking over what should be a happy time where you are building your relationships with baby and learning.

You will be absolutely fine, but make sure you don't focus on his needs but on yours. If you are happy, baby will be happy and you will be better able to cope. Work on establishing your support network without him. Either find a way to meet lots of people who are due around the same time as you, or think about moving closer to your family so they can support and help you.

I had an unsupportive H and I have to say that I would have done better on my own from the start, and am doing so now. Not having the stress of someone else's emotional baggage hanging over me, means I have time for me and my children. Being a single parent is not so hard and not so scary. But you do ideally need a small network of friends and family around you.

I was reading a certain paper this morning, where some journo was 'telling princess Kate' that she should not have mother in the delivery room. My feeling was that actually I wish I had had mine there, someone who would have supported me emotionally through delivery and focused on me. (Then H spent parts of both my labours asleep and the rest thinking it was really unfair that he was being worked so hard). Bless. He didn't change after that.

SignoraStronza Fri 21-Jun-13 07:08:26

I'm going to be controversial here and suggest you have absolutely nothing more to do with him. My friend was in the same situation and did not even register his name on the birth certificate. She did not claim financial support either mind; but about six months later meet a lovely man who treats her dc as his own and with whom she's gone on to marry and have another dc.

I wish so much that I'd returned to the UK at your stage of pg and done exactly the same.

In my case I stuck with it until dc was 2.5. In all that time the abusive ex never changed a nappy, bathed dc, got his sorry arse out of bed while she was screaming outside the shower etc etc.I would have been much better off both financially, emotionally and practically to have done it without him. He sees her once a month now and the turmoil is just not worth it. He never bothered building up a relationship with her in the first 2.5 years and hasn't got a clue now. I live in hope that he'll come a cropper somehow, which is a terrible way to feel. blush

Good luck op. From now on just refuse to engage and start making your plans.

SummersHere Fri 21-Jun-13 07:16:16

Funny how these idiots decide they don't want a baby after they've created one. I was also 5 months pregnant when my ex decided this, haven't seen him since, ds is almost 5 now. I can honestly say the last 5 years have been the best of my life.

The first year was hard as ds had reflux/barely slept so for me lack of sleep was the hardest part but you do get used to it.
Mostly though it's lovely having a baby all to yourself. Waking up to their lovely smiles, the cuddles, sharing a bed, doing everything exactly how you want to, watching them grow and develop, the close bond, I could go on!

I agree about not talking to him until after baby is born, once contact between me and ex stopped I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and prepare for babies arrival.
You'll be fine OP, it's not so hard.
Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 07:23:03

I've been a single parent since birth and, whilst it's been challenging at times and probably cost me an arm and a leg in terms of 'help' (childminders, babysitters etc) it's been the defining experience of my life. When you're 100% responsible for yourself and a child there are no ifs and buts about it & no point complaining that a non-existent partner is pulling his weight. So - IMHO - you just get on and do it, roll up your sleeves, believe in yourself and that's really liberating and rewarding

Good luck

raisah Fri 21-Jun-13 07:41:55

Can you move closer to be nearer to your family for the birth/mat leave? The distance beteeen you will help you focus on establish an independent household. Speak to a solicitor & say that your ex is pushing you to get an abortion & ask them to consider that when custody arranements are being sorted out. There is no way he will get full custody if he wants you to have a termination becausr he has changed his mind about being a responsible father.

speak to CAB & Womens aid about practical help/ benefits you will be entitled to. Enjoy the fact that you will be able to enjoy your baby without the moaning and complaining.

ScrewIt Fri 21-Jun-13 20:51:23

Thank you all for the inspiration & support, it's exactly what I needed to see.

I plan to go back to my family for my maternity leave & then return home to work. I want to give staying where I am a go as that's where my life is.

You all make really good points, things could be much worse. As sad as I am I know I would be feeling much much worse were he here & still treating me the same way.

We had differing ideas about how a baby should be raised too so this way I don't have to compromise - I get to do it my way!

Mouseyinmyhousey Fri 21-Jun-13 23:14:52

There's not much I can add because you've had some great advice and true words already.

I'm another one who went it alone with a baby and it was great. And you'll be fine.

One bit of advice though is once the babys here don't let ex call the shots, threaten you, mess you around about contact or financial support.

He's already acted terribly threatening you over custody. So once baby is here I'd give him one chance to get it right otherwise tell him to deal with you via a third party. As there's nothing worse than having a gorgeous newborn but a dickhead ex shouting the odds over his rights or arguing over the price of a pack of nappies.

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 21-Jun-13 23:40:24

Hi op, im a single parent. One thing I wish I did earlier was develop friendships with other parents. I now have friends who have ds and I have some me time. Honestly you will do just fine on your own without the burden of a man child. My ds and I have such an amazing strong bond. He fills me with joy and despair sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way. You will be just fine.

WildlingPrincess Fri 21-Jun-13 23:42:07

An unsupportive partner is like having an extra child. I feel like less of a single parent now I'm an actual single parent.

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