Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

can't believe this is real (hand hold needed)

(55 Posts)
slipperySlip000 Thu 20-Jun-13 20:50:42

I have name changed for this. After wading through treacle in my big lead boots for ten years (my eldest dd is 10, youngest dd 8) I have taken steps to end my marriage of 14 years. Things have just taken on a momentum now. I have had enough and can't stand it any more.

My hubby tries really hard to be the person he imagines himself to be. But he is very often keeping a lid on his anger. In reality he is a prickly person who was parented by a Dad who was physically/verbally and abusive. He is often irritated by things in life, including any noise or mess created by his own kids. Both girls have special needs and he will not do anything, even basic for them other than ferry them around from A to B. And it has taken a fair bit of training to get that far. He has now opted out of reading to them, or getting them ready for bed. He expects accolades for helping around the house and can do no housework or menial tidying task without getting very irritated and creating a horrible atmosphere. He is moody and just expects everyone to go with it, changes suddenly and never apologises for this or acknowledges the effect it has on me. At times hubby can be intimidating and cutting towards me, although he has a very hard time recognizing it, because it is part of his anger and so he is blind to it. I have finally told him I'm not taking any more of it. This is not how I was brought up, what I want out of life is a hubby who can appreciate what he has in life rather than sitting constantly on his back side, moaning, looking endlessly on the internet for things we cannot afford. It is endless. I have worked unbelievably hard to re-train, advocate and fight endlessly and support the kids with their lives and their education. My dd pulled out a letter the other day and announced she'd been picked for a sports tournament (in school hours). All hubby could do was grunt, and moan about the late notice (despite the fact that it had absolutely no impact on his life). I have been on antidepressants for three months now. Hubby has never actually asked how I'm feeling. I still feel depressed.

I feel awful. Because I am now going to split this family apart. My family think the sun shines out of my hubby's backside. I have a lot of work to do now to re-write the story of this marriage to the people in my life. I can't even think about what the kids will be like, as I have no idea how this will play out. But things have taken on a momentum now. I have told hubby I need to get away with the kids for a couple of weeks. It will be an amazing and liberating time as I won't be stressed and walking on eggshells any more, and I can do what is right for mw after all these long, hard, years. The rest of it is making me sick. Please hold my hand.

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 20-Jun-13 20:55:42

<hand holding> I don't know what to say, but you and your girls will be okay.

FlatsInDagenham Thu 20-Jun-13 20:55:57

<proffers hand>

You sound very very strong. And this will be the best thing you could do for your DDs. It sounds like your H is a massive drain on the whole family's emotional wellbeing.

janesnowdon1 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:00:05

You are doing the right thing for everyone - you must be such a strong person to coped with all that you have done. Your husband has had many years to work on his childhood issues. Enjoy the space

Hand holding here too. You sound lovely and deserve a good life, and so do your dds.

Go for it xxxx

Noregrets78 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:32:02

Another one holding your hand... keep your eye to the future, and how bright it will be

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Jun-13 21:35:31

More hand holding. It is sometimes a very little straw that breaks the camel's back but by the sound of it you have had your work cut out on several levels.

I hope you find rl support OP. A non toxic family worth their salt will re-adjust their thinking sharpish about a popular son in law if you turn round and explain you've been struggling, put a brave face on it but reached your limit and need support.

slipperySlip000 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:41:45

Thank you so much. It is amazing to have support on here and IRL. My friends are so unbelievably special and I would be lost without them. They know me well and their words are keeping me going in the right direction. I lost my wonderful mum 11 years ago (shortly before having my first baby) and I miss her like mad, especially since having children. I am so alone and unsupported with the kids. I am so desperately protective of my Dad, who I adore. The thought of telling my Dad this marriage is ending is unspeakably awful. He may take some time to come round and it is going to break my heart to tell him. The kids will be so upset (they love their daddy). We will have to sell the house. But yet I already feel a weight lifting from my shoulders, and my old self beginning to return and peep through this little crack. I have never felt so many emotions all at once. But I am thinking of the brightness of feeling free.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Thu 20-Jun-13 21:51:07

Best of luck OP. As you expect, it may not be easy but it will be so worth it if it's what you really want smile

FWIW my your H sounds a lot like my Dad and I wish my mum had left him. The atmosphere, the wondering what mood he would be coming home in, the utter relief when he wasn't in a mood, watching for triggers that would set his rage off...it's a horrible way to live! Such a pointless waste of what life should be.

Best of luck. x

ProjectGainsborough Thu 20-Jun-13 21:54:34

Good luck OP. my hand is here! X

Chubfuddler Thu 20-Jun-13 21:59:00

You're not depressed. You're oppressed by a nasty man.

I despair

I want to believe most men are lovely. I know men who are. But the stats seem stacked against it.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:07:48

You sound very much like you can see your situation for what it is & you are in control. Both of those are good signs that you'll be just fine.

Your post has actually really helped me. I am pregnant & my P has just dumped me. He sounds similar to your H in some ways & I've been wondering if my decision to let him go is the right one rather than try to make our family work. I think your post has shown me what the future could hold & that sooner or later it would boil down to the same result. So I hope it helps you to know the strength you are showing may have just prevented someone from making similar mistakes.

The change won't be easy but it sounds as though it will certainly be worth it so good luck x

lovesfastcars Thu 20-Jun-13 22:24:01

You and your girls have a much better life ahead of you now , thanks to your strength and courage.
They are not 'losing' their dad, and will be gaining a much happier mum who is providing them with a wonderful role model to teach them about what is, and what is not acceptable in a relationship.
I think you will all be far better off once the dust has settled.
Good luck and very well done for realising that you deserve much better than this x

whitesugar Thu 20-Jun-13 22:43:10

You are a strong woman who fought tirelessly for your girls. This is another hurdle & you can do this too. It's not going to be easy but it can be done. Lots of people do it including loads if mums on here. Accept it will be hard but at the end you will not have to put up with someone who makes your life harder. Keep your head up & your shoulders back & keep telling yourself you can do it. Good luck - you can do this & you will be a great example to your girls when they face tough times. I will be thinking about you & sending you encouragement. We have one life and we can direct the path it takes.

KristinaFranziska Thu 20-Jun-13 22:59:01

Dearest Lady: I wish you strength and courage. In my eyes you are modelling for your girls what it is to be a woman who knows her own worth and who is not prepared to accept abuse. If you don't do this, what are your teaching them is acceptable? How will they fare following your example?
No, you are not damaging them. You are giving them a gift beyond price.

And ask whose life are you living? You and you alone are the best judge of your circumstances. You stand for your own life, your own values, your own beliefs. Let others, friends, family, parents live their own lives to their own rules and values....we are each entitled to live one life and that is our own.

Emotional/verbal abuse is horrific. It can creep in and undermine.

Get out, rediscover yourself. Nothing will be as tough as staying.

A worthy partner is supportive, helps their spouse with what is important to them, thanks, acknowledges.

You've been living a secret lie and it's time to live your truth, to be authentic.

So, tell us: how are you feeling?

Noregrets78 Thu 20-Jun-13 23:07:50

Kristina you have a lovely way with words

overtheraenbow Thu 20-Jun-13 23:44:03

You may also find your father is more aware of the situation than you think. I was amazed at my in laws reaction to their own sons behaviour towards me . I thought that we had presented a good front ( mostly as I believed we had a good marriage) they had seen his EA behaviour so much more clearly than I had. Good luck , you seem a strong person and will thrive away from his toxicity.

I will hold your hand over the coming days, weeks and months.

It will be hard the picking apart of the life you have but I promise it will be worth it. I'm nine years on from leaving a similar situation and I promise there is nothing so empowering as knowing you can manage alone. For what it's worth my DS, who was 2 at the time I changed our lives, has said to me in the last year that whilst he loves his Dad he understands why I didn't want to live with his Dad and he is glad that his family is as it is.

Do you have plans in place for when you get back from your holidays?

Bogeyface Fri 21-Jun-13 00:40:58

I feel awful. Because I am now going to split this family apart.

No you are not. Your family is you and your girls, was he ever really a part of it? No, he wasnt.

They adore him because thats what they think a father is like, they dont know what a good loving caring father is like. Did you know that most severely abused children who are removed from their families want to go home? Thats because, although they want the neglect, sexual abuse or physical abuse to stop, they love their parents because that is all they have ever known.

Its like that for you DD's. They think that a grumpy moaning bastard who has no time for them is what a Daddy is.

You wont be splitting up your family, you will be protecting it.

ladylambkin Fri 21-Jun-13 00:49:06

I could have written your post and I too am at that crunch time...I have asked him to leave but he has refused to tell me when/where he is going as it'd none of my business.

You will get through this don't worry about that. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy but you will get there. I've just told my family and friends what my relationship has really been like...whilst they are shocked they are also very supportive

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:42:29

I told my Dad, he was of course lovely and it was not entirely unexpected for him. He is upset but is offering us support. I am going there tonight. Kids and hubby staying here for the weekend as I'm working. Hubby has been in tears. I have been calm and clear. I told hubby we are separating. He was in tears. he asked me 'are you sure?'. i said 'yes.' No idea what will happen next week. But that's enough for now.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 21-Jun-13 21:19:10

flowers Your dad has stepped up, hasn't he? Well done telling him. It can't be easy right now but having his support will be a massive boost.

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:56:59

Staying alone at my day's tonight. First night as a separated person. Am exhausted. This week has been the most intense. Feel like I have trekked thru the amazon and have now reached a safe, cosy, relaxed haven. My lovely mate took me out for a pint. There is a long way to go, but I have taken the first step and am truly relaxing tonight.

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:57:30

dad's not day's

Bogeyface Fri 21-Jun-13 23:03:30

smile

Hold on to how you feel now, it will get you through the inevitable guilt trips that he will try to pull to get you to stay. If you are relaxed now, imagine how your DD's will feel when they are free too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now